Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.

When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however,
throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."

"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in ! ! !" 

[Kerry]

Yikes! Are they bullet-holes in that sign, Dottie?! 

[dot-matrix]

Yikes! Are they bullet-holes in that sign, Dottie?! 

good question, probably 

[Kerry]

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.

When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however,
throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."

"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in ! ! !" 

I see lawyers have the same reputation the world over!!!          

[dot-matrix]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.   

[Kerry]

I'd better not tell that one to the Boss. Yep, you guessed it - a blonde! 

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

Monkey Portraits

[dot-matrix]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day...and then 2 days....and then 3 days......

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"