Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

A little old man shuffled very slowly into an ice cream parlor, edged painfully onto a stool, barely making it, and ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"



"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."

[dot-matrix]

When Farmer Brown bought a dead sheep from a neighbouring farmer, he was asked what he was going to do with it.
"I'm hard up, so I'm going to raffle it," said Farmer Brown
"You can't raffle off a dead sheep!"
"Aye I can. I just won't tell anybody it's dead..."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the animal asked, "Whatever happened with that dead sheep?"
Farmer Brown smugly reported: "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 a piece and made a net profit of $998.00."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back..."

[dot-matrix]

How Dogs And Guys Are The Same


1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

[dot-matrix]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

[dot-matrix]

 FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on
medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had! the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from the last few years.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.

[Kerry]

Monkey Portraits

Hmmm, that monkey at top-right looks a lot like my ex!     I mean that as a compliment y'all!     

[Kerry]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

              

That's another one I'd better not tell the Boss!

              

[Kerry]

FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986

Loved this, Dottie! I am a proud Baby Boomer, myself! 

[dot-matrix]

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday
(i.e., 10 mph over the limit),
I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a
radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car,
and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?" To which
I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm
a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one
finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with
my whole hand in I work side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a
radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

[dot-matrix]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Scotsmen and 1 Scots woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy /liquor store / restaurant/laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Scotsmen set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.