Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Butt Dust


What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. . No adult is this creative!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D. I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is! he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[dot-matrix]

The Cuckoo Clock



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realising my wife would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when
totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her, "Midnight".

She didn't seem pissed off at all. Phew! Got away with that one!
Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh, sh1t.", cuckooed four more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted

[dot-matrix]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[Kerry]

Butt Dust
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

           

[Kerry]

Paddy was having a few pints at the local one Friday night.

He was enjoying the atmosphere with his mates and stayed far longer than he should have.

He passed out at some point during the evening and woke to find himself lying in the gutter outside the pub.

He tried to get up but fell straight back down again.

"Sh*t," he thought to himself, "I must really be very drunk. I know, I'll try to crawl home."

He lived  just around the corner from the pub, so he crawled a way and then tried to stand up again.

Whap!

He fell flat on his face again.

After a couple of hours of this, accompanied by the occasional barf along the way, he finally got home.

He managed to get himself into bed, alongside his wife. He was grateful that she didn't wake up, because he knew she would be very cross with him for getting so drunk.

His wife let him sleep-in the following morning. At about 10 o'clock she came into the bedroom to wake him.

"Paddy! You were drunk again last night! Admit it!"

"Indeed I wasn't at all drunk, at all, at all," replied Paddy, "What makes you accuse me of such a dreadful thing?"

"Because the pub just phoned, and you left you're wheelchair there again last night," replied his wife.

[dot-matrix]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.

[dot-matrix]

JUST A TAP

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a
question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so
much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely
my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Sharon]

ZEISS
Victory Compact
Binoculars

- see everything 10 times bigger -

[Shasta542]

HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL ... YOU'LL LOVE THIS
ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH
THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS
AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS 'WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

HMMM .OR COULD HE?? ?

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I HAD A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.  HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.  HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT
DID YOU TEACH?"

[dot-matrix]

    Great one Shasta542 and so TRUE