Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

30 Harsh Things You Might  Say To A Naked Man

  I'm laughing so much here, I've got a tummy ache!   

[Kerry]

Fred & Ginger . . .

[Kerry]

More Fred & Ginger . . .

[Kerry]

Cute sheep!   

[dot-matrix]

A woman goes into her lawyer's office and requests a divorce. While taking down her background information, he asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"

The woman replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30am and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated, the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"

Looking very confident, she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point, the lawyer loses his patience and asks, "Look, lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

[dot-matrix]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies, "Four."

The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take ten percent -- but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

[dot-matrix]

Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very much. So, he went to his special place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!". And a loud booming voice replied, "Yes, Adam".

Adam: "Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down here."

God: "Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run out of names for them."

Adam: "No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed that there are two kinds of each species."

God: "Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."

Adam: "Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each species ?"

God: "So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: (sigh) "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "Which am I?"

God: "You, Adam, are a male."

Adam: "Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."

God: "All right, Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."

So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads immediately to his special place.

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam:"Hey, God - did you remember to do what you promised ?"

God: "Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the bushes near the place where you were sleeping."

Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling ...

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "What's a headache?"

[dot-matrix]

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "Okay," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard weeping, but there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

[dot-matrix]

Blond Cowboy

The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots.

The sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'

So here I am."

[Kerry]

The blond teenager has just graduated from high school and will soon be heading off to university.

As she comes from a poor family, she must work and take as many odd jobs as she can find, to pay for her university education.

So she goes around the neighbourhood, knocking on doors, and asking if her neighbours have any odd jobs she can do.

She knocks on the door of a grand old house in an adjoining neighbourhood. The people living there obviously have lots of money, she thinks, and she hopes they'll pay her generously.

The owner opens the door and the blond asks if he has any odd jobs to be done.

He thinks for a moment and responds that the porch needs painting. He offers her $20 to do the job and she accepts.

He shows her to the garage where the paint is located and leaves her to it.

When he gets back to the house, his wife asks who was at the door. 

When he tells her that he has hired the blond to paint the porch for only $20, his wife is horrified.

"How could you do such a thing?" she says.

"You're such a cheapskate. That's a very big porch. It'll take her all weekend to paint it, and you're only paying her $20?! You should be ashamed of yourself."

"OK, OK," he says. "I'll pay her $100 for painting the porch."

About an hour later, the door bell rings and the man goes to see who's there.

It's the blond. She tells him she's finished the painting.

The man is surprised to see her after only an hour and says, "How can you possible be finished so soon?"

"It wasn't difficult at all. Can I have my $20 please?"

"Oh, and by the way," she adds with smile, pocketing the $20, "It isn't a porch (Porsche) at all. It's a Ferrari."

The moral of this tale? "You get what you pay for."