Kerry's Komedy Klub

[David In Indy]

 

[dot-matrix]

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) -- she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say, she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.

The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that was previously the least popular -- the raisin bread -- was quickly becoming the most popular with gentlemen. Conveniently enough, the raisin bread was kept on the highest shelf of all.

One day, an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?"

"No," he replied, "but it's beginning to twitch just a little."

[dot-matrix]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom’s the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you’re drunk!"

[dot-matrix]

Signs You're A Drunk



1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an identical twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. "Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14. Your moral is: I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!
15. You don't recognize your wife unless she's seen from the bottom of a glass.
16. That dammned pink elephant followed you home again.
17. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
18. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

[TXdoug]

                  

[dot-matrix]

OK friends here's my last one for tonight:

Another Rotten Day


How you can tell when it's going to be a rotten day?

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

4. You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

7. Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

8. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

9. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

10. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

11. Your income check bounces.

12. Your pet rock snaps at you.

13. Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

14. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

[Kerry]

Here's more from Fred & Ginger. I hope you're finding them amusing. I'm not sure if the slang used in Australia translates over to the USA. For example, in a previous post, Fred is seen in bed with a couple of "tarts." The word "tart" in this country, as well as meaning a small sweet cake, also translates colloquially and derogatorily as "a woman of compromised virtue." Not sure if it has that same meaning in America.

Likewise, in this one, "crumpet" is a euphemism for "sex" here in Oz. Is it the same in America? If not, let me give you an example of how the word "crumpet" is used in that sense. Instead of saying, "I'm looking forward to a f*ck tonight," you would more politely say "I'm looking forward to some crumpet tonight."

We're a weird mob! 

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

Being "legless" means you're drunk. 

[TXdoug]

LOTS of FUN, Kerry.   Thanks for giving insight to meaning of terms unique to OZ.... I guess