Kerry's Komedy Klub

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Genuine Quiz show answers     

This is well worth reading to the end

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant : Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant : Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant : Bombay .

Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant : Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson : Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!

Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant : Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew , Mark , Luke and...?
Contestant : (long pause) Joe ?

Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant : Geronimo !

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant : William Shakespeare .

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller : Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er... Mexico ?

FAMILY FORTUNES
1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F

4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7 ) What is Hitler 's first name? - Heil

8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde .

10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail

15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25 ) Something slippery? - A conman

26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30 ) Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona .
Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant : India .

Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.

Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney .
Contestant : Sydney .

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant : True?
Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant : Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant : Er...
Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant : Blimey?
Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant : (Silence)
Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant : Walked?

DARYL 'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland ?
Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant : No. 

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This guy goes skydiving for the first time.After he jumps out of
the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing
happens.Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the
auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still
does not appear.  As he is plummeting toward the Earth,
he sees a woman coming up the other way. 

He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" 

"No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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Letter From The Penis


Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don't get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

I think if you consider these points carefully you will agree I am due an increase in compensation.

Very Truly Yours
The Penis


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,
The Management

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Life's Reflections


1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
 
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
 
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

[Kerry]

[Kerry]