Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Wabbits



A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any
widdle wabbits?"



The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is
on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy
bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"


 
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers, "I don't wealy fink my Anaconda
gives a  phuc."




Have a good day everyone 

[David In Indy]

 

[dot-matrix]

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS    

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile somewhere in Houston .. a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.

I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS .. It sure is hot down here! 

[dot-matrix]

The Mammogram
By Julia Napier©
 
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K." I said, 'let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!

"Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. " -- Jan King

A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.   They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."

If Women Controlled Medicine -- The Manogram

[TXdoug]

                   

[dot-matrix]

TICKLE ME ELMO

A woman desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he has nothing worthy of her. The woman says she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personal Manager says he only has a low skilled job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her to the line and explains her duties and that she should report for work at 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 the "Tickle Me Elmo" Line Manager is in the Personnel
Manager's office ranting about the woman just hired. After 15 minutes of
screaming about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal
Manager suggests seeing the problem. They head to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. At the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has gathered a big bag of marbles and a roll of the fabric used for making the Elmos. As they watch, she cuts a little piece of fabric
places two marble in it and starts sewing it between Elmo's legs.

The Personal Managers starts rolling on the floor laughing.
After 10 minutes, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry, I guess I didn't make myself clear yesterday.

We want you to give Elmo " two test tickles."

[dot-matrix]

If you take a look at the following? picture , let me tell you ... it is not animated.? Your eyes are making it move.? To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving.? Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving.? But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous will move after you take your eyes away from it....? Weird?

[dot-matrix]

You should see a man's face and also a word...





See it ?

Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with 'L'

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop decides to mention that the man's penis is
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"