Kerry's Komedy Klub

[David In Indy]

Wow, the house of my dreams!!

That looks like something I see when I've had one too many belts of Southern Comfort!!

*hiccup* 

Excuse me.

[isabelle]

LOTS of FUN, Kerry.   Thanks for giving insight to meaning of terms unique to OZ.... I guess  

Actually , no: legless= drunk   and   tart=woman of small virtue in the UK too!

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Sign, Sign, everywhere a sign! Some of these are great!

[dot-matrix]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

 

 

[dot-matrix]

A man called home to his partner and said, " I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The partner thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good partner he is, did exactly what his lover asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

His partner welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"


You’re gonna   the answer... . . . . . . it’s so Brokeback inspired


His partner replied, "I did. They're in your tackle box.....”


 
Ooops busted again! 
 

[Shasta542]

  He must be related to Alma!!

[Kerry]

Some quotable quotes from the wonderful world of Australian football. Enjoy! 

1. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane Wakelin)

2. "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Mick Malthouse, Collingwood)

3. "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Peter Bell, Fremantle, on his university law studies)

4. "You guys to my left, line up alphabetically by height. And you guys to my right, pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." (Barry Hall, Sydney Captain, at training)

5. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." (Brock Maclean, Melbourne, when asked if he had visited the Pyramids, whilst in Egypt)

6. "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is." (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)

7. "It's basically the same, just darker." (Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs day games)

8. "I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first." (Barry Hall, Sydney, when asked about the upcoming season)

9. "Luke Hodge, the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott Brereton)

10. "Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)

11. "We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)

12. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke Darcy)

13. "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)

14. "Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in football, but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)

15. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Andrew Demetriou)

16. "I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better."
(Dermott Brereton)

17. "I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)

18. Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" David Swartz: "On what?"

19. "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)

20. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Dermott Brereton)

Dermott Brereton features in several of the above quotes. Here he is:

[Kelda]

A man called home to his partner and said, " I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The partner thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good partner he is, did exactly what his lover asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

His partner welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"


You’re gonna   the answer... . . . . . . it’s so Brokeback inspired


His partner replied, "I did. They're in your tackle box.....”


 
Ooops busted again! 
 

heheheheh.

I always like this thread but never have any good jokes to put in it...

 My favourite joke is short and sweet but i don't think anyone but brits would get it.....



Q. Why do Elephants have big ears?











A. Cos Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom!

[dot-matrix]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows!

Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.