Kerry's Komedy Klub

[TXdoug]

                                       

[dot-matrix]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road...

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won ' t realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he ' s acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I 'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don ' t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken ' s intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he ' s GUILTY!
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer ' s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I ' ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn ' t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn ' t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDER
Did I miss one?

[dot-matrix]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yep, you bet there IS a moral!)




"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.

[dot-matrix]

Police Warning:

They say that the gang usually comprises four members. While the three younger ones, all appearing to be cute and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness and fun, the fourth - the eldest of this gang of criminals -sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle undetected through their pockets and bags for any valuables being carried.

The picture below, taken from WQXI, shows the Gang in operation in the inner city.

[dot-matrix]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... Something about the emergency brake...

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[pettifogger]

Special Poem for Senior Citizens !!

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy and when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to lnow . . . . .
Is what tells each one where to go !!



There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt !!!!

Laugh a little every day.