Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

Essential accoutrement for the busy gal about town . . . . .

[dot-matrix]

A Mother’s Prayer



Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.  


 
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back...not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
 
 

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish...dead!)
 
 

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean...
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)


 
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know...
I must have lost them long ago! 

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

[dot-matrix]

[Front-Ranger]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

Dottie, you're a genius!! 

[pettifogger]

Speaking of ducks


A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

[dot-matrix]

Ducks, I ducks!   

[Kerry]

[LauraGigs]

In my next life, I want to live my next life backwards. 
 
You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
 
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
 
You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement.
 
You drink alcohol, you party, you are generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School.
 
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
 
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating, room service on tap, and then — voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!!!!!
 
I rest my case.