Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

How Many Dolphins Can You See?  ( answers at the bottom of the page)

 



 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

[Kerry]

We've seen the weddings. 

Now for the divorces!  Celebrity divorces, that is!

Slam dunk ... Juanita Vanoy stands to collect more than $A181.28 million from ex-husband Michael Jordan.



Not bad for four years ... actress Amy Irving cleaned up $A120.85 million from her short marriage to Steven Spielberg.



Not so amicable ... Harrison Ford's wife Melissa Mathison received $A102.73 million when he left her for Calista Flockhart after 17 years of marriage.



Hollywood cliche ... It cost Kevin Costner $A96.68 million when he left his wife, Cindy Silva after 16 years of marriage, for a much younger blonde.



Can buy her love ... Paul McCartney's marriage to one-legged Heather Mills only cost his $72 million, which is loose change for the Beatle.



Plenty of satisfaction ... Jerry Hall may have never tamed Mick Jagger but she at least got his money - about $A30.2 million of it when they separated.



Almost titanic ... director James Cameron settled his divorce from actress Linda Hamilton with the lovely sum of $A60.43 million - about half of what he earned for that boat film.



Dancing on the ceiling ... Lionel Richie's second wife Diane will be able to maintain her high-maintenance lifestyle after getting $A24.17 million from the soulful singer when they split.



Next year's winner ... When Greg and Laura Norman finalise their divorce settlement, she may be receiving twice as much as Michael Jordan's wife. The Shark's ex-wife could get about $200 million.

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO.... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.

His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"

The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[dot-matrix]

KIDS WHO ARE DIFFERENT!

Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids who don't always get A's.
The kids who have ears twice the size of their peers,
And noses that go on for days...
Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids they call crazy or dumb,
The kids who don't fit, with the guts and the grit,
Who dance to a different drum...
Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids with the mischievous streak,
For when they have grown, as history's shown,
It's their difference that makes them unique.

-Digby Wolfe

[pettifogger]

Pet Therapy in Nursing Homes
 



The New York Times, August 15, 2007 - Barbara Farling, therapeutic recreation consultant for the State Department of Health Services says "Elderly people checking into nursing homes around the state are finding more than a clean bed, a friendly nurse and companionship. Now there's a real trend toward pet-therapy programs for the elderly because it works. People need to be needed and animals need people.''

Editors Note - Ever since they adopted Bubba the boa, some of the other pets in the program seem to have disappeared.

[dot-matrix]

Pet Therapy in Nursing Homes
 



The New York Times, August 15, 2007 - Barbara Farling, therapeutic recreation consultant for the State Department of Health Services says "Elderly people checking into nursing homes around the state are finding more than a clean bed, a friendly nurse and companionship. Now there's a real trend toward pet-therapy programs for the elderly because it works. People need to be needed and animals need people.''

Editors Note - Ever since they adopted Bubba the boa, some of the other pets in the program seem to have disappeared.

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! "

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down . . . "