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Family Squabbles

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Katie77:
Oh dear......the poor old grandparent and mother in law is going to be pounced on here in this thread I think.

Grandparents do get a bit of a rough deal at times....you know, nobody tells us how we are supposed to be, how much advice we can give without it sounding like critisism, how much time we should spend dropping by to visit, how much we can talk about our other grandchildren, how much involvement we can have with our grandchild without seeming like we are "overdoing" it. If we visit too often, we are a pain in the arse....if we dont vsit often enough, we "dont care", if we tell our son/daughter that their child is grizzling or has a nappy rash, they think we are critisizing them, if we dont pick up something that is wrong, we "should have known"......if we celebrate something their kid has done,we are OK, but if we brag about the sister or brothers kid, its not OK......

I have been a grandparent for 15 years (I have 5 grandchildren) and I am sure I have made plenty of mistakes......BUT....I never meant to, I was thrust into this unknown zone in my life, without any guide book, any definate right or wrongs on how to be a grandparent. I thought, all I had to do was love them, and I knew I could do that easy.

Its a bit like when we have our kids.....we stumble through it, hoping we are doing the right thing...its not easy. Being a grandparent is another stumbling journey, only this time, we are under the scrutiny of our kids, and our daughter or son in law.....no way in the world, are we ever gonna please them all the time.

The thing that drives us, the thing that makes us not have hurt feelings about some of the critisisms, is the unbelievable joy and love we feel when we come to the door and see the look on a little ones face, with a smile from ear to ear, little arms wrapped around us and a giggling call "Nana and Pop are here to see me".........thats what makes it all worthwhile.

And it doesn't matter how many we have, we love them all the same....some we see on a more regular basis than others, and that makes us more familiar with the day to day things that he or she is doing, but we dont put them in a competition of who we love more,they are all important to us.

I have said the same things that have been said here, when I was younger...and most of the critisism was directed at my inlaws...having only sons myself, I am fully aware, that I am proabably under much more scrutiny from my daughter in laws than their own mothers are...i remember when my first grandson was born, and, although never proclaiming to be an expert on childrearing, I still might offer some advice to my daughter in law, and at times she reacted as if I were critisizing her, which I wasnt.....then I would see her mother offer her some advice,and she would accept it greatfully.

Anyway, we have all stumbled through this life, no one has been perfect, no one has pleased everyone all of the time, thats life, we are all human, its proably not until we become grandparents or inlaws ourselves that we begin to understand just how NOT easy it was for those who became our inlaws or grandparents to our children. Be kind to them, they probably are doing the best they know how, and they can pick up on your emotions and dissatisfaction towards them. They just want to be able to share in your children's lives, let them, and let them know how good it is that they are around to do so. They really do love you all........

Front-Ranger:

--- Quote from: delalluvia on March 31, 2008, 12:43:03 am ---The friend is absolutely flabbergasted that her fiance has saddled her with a house full of company that she now has to provide for and entertain on top of everything else.  She has no support from her him, because he invited them, they're his family!  He can't uninvite them from his future wife's home!=
--- End quote ---

Makes me think of the comment...when asked, what do you think of gay marriage, the answer was, don't gays have it tough enuff already?" Or something like that. It's true that when you marry someone, you unwittingly marry their whole family.

forsythia12:
yes sue, i hear you.  i know , or am sure that it is difficult. 
all i know is i think my in-laws are damaging their once strong relationship with my eldest daughter, and i do harbor some bitterness that they never tried to establish a relationship at all with my youngest.
my kids pick up on the favortism, and i don't think there's any excuse for such blatant favortism.  it just hurts sometimes i guess.
but yes, my in-laws are usually on my 'mad-at' list, and i know my judgments can be harsh at times.  i am pleasant to them, and they have done a lot for us in the past, so i appreciate them in many ways.
it's not something i can easliy discuss with them.  they're the type of 'we don't talk about such unpleasantries' people.  i heard a saying in a movie that described them perfectly.  you see, my in-laws are 'high society' people, and they like their family to 'look good' at all times.  heaven forbid something bring negative attention to them.  lol.  anyways, in this movie, something 'undesirable' happened to this 'perfect' couple's daughter, and while in the dr.'s office the parents ask if  this situation will be cleared up by the holidays ...and the daugher said to the doctor, "my parents are having a 'christmas-cocktail-crisis' "
lol
that's my in-laws .....
so, we just make the most of it, and get along....and my daughter's can make up their own mind about their grandparents.  we don't influence them.......at least not that we know of.......to have negative thoughts about them.  for the most part, we are a loving family....
it's actually quite comical at times, because it's an inside joke between my husband and i, and we can just give eachother  a 'look' when stella walks in the room, and my in-laws flock to her. 

delalluvia:

--- Quote from: Front-Ranger on March 31, 2008, 01:16:03 am ---Makes me think of the comment...when asked, what do you think of gay marriage, the answer was, don't gays have it tough enuff already?" Or something like that. It's true that when you marry someone, you unwittingly marry their whole family.


--- End quote ---

What it sounds like to me is passive-aggressiveness.  IMO, he doesn't really want to get married and is making things as difficult for her as possible.

Katie77:
I know what you are saying Susie. and dont doubt for one minute the problems and anxieties we have all felt with mother in laws. The relationship I have had with my own mother in law has not been all rosey and perfect either.

Early on in our marriage, there were issues that really bugged me, I guess now, she is old and I am older too, that I just overlook the things that bothered me so much when I was younger and things dont bother me as much. I guess you could say we have all mellowed with time, and I have learnt to ignore or laugh things off easier than I did in the earlier years.

Being a mother in law myself, too, I always hope that I am not being critisized for things that I dont deserve to be, and I have tried to be a better mother in law to my daughters in law, than what my MIL was to me.

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