Coming out: don't be afraid
Josh Henry
Issue date: 9/7/06
My knees shaking and hands trembling, I walked out of the movie theater emotionally drained. I found myself with tunnel vision, walking briskly past the crowds out to my car. I inserted the key roughly fitting into the keyhole, turning the lock and opening my door. I leaned against the car briefly, taking a deep breathe then got in. My eyes began to welt as I drove down the road, and soon as I drove it all came out.
I remember seeing a woman across the parking lot at the time looking at me; I knew that she knew what was plaguing me. This was back in January of this year when I saw the now notoriously famous film "Brokeback Mountain." At the time I was in the closet, no...rather submerged and locked in the closet. The purpose of relaying this event to you is to give you an idea as to what myself and many others on this campus and around the world go through.
My message, and those of my amazing friends, is to not be afraid, though I realize that this is of little help to someone in the closet. I know precisely how one acts, thinks, and processes information when in the closet. Throughout the duration of my teenage years, I locked up my true feelings and emotions. At first when I realized that I may not have the same feelings toward girls as all the other guys, I tried to fool myself. I denied it over and over and just carried on as if I were "straight." This worked well for me until I was 16. It was around this age that it became extraordinarily hard.
Being raised Mormon and attending church six out of seven days a week eimbedded into my brain how "evil" and "sinful" it was to have these feelings of same-sex attraction. After denying it for so long, I often lay awake at night crying and praying hours on end, asking God why I feel this way if it's so wrong. My ever-increasing spiral of depression continued all throughout my high school years as I often seriously contemplated suicide. I was miserable on the inside, all the time stricken with grief for my sin.
Finally I just shut off. When I came here to VCU, I just bottled it up again and told myself that I would meet new girls and things would fall into place. When it came to the topic of homosexuality, I became very homophobic. I could hardly even talk to a gay man; I seriously would not even be able to look them in the eye if I saw someone on campus. If someone mentioned the subject or in relation, I would often keep quiet or not say much.
Still, I soon realized that you cannot run away from your true self. My sophomore year I began to read things on the Internet about homosexuality, albeit very secretly. Now that I look back, I think that mentally this is when I kind of started to try to accept these feelings.
Finally, my second junior semester I saw Ang Lee's classic film - it shook me to my core. I took a couple of chances and reached out to some in the gay community, and as good fortune would have it, they took me in and allowed me to gain insight and vent my lifelong struggle. I told a couple of close friends of mine and made some amazing new friends in the gay community.
I along with many others know all too well the paralyzing effects of being in the closet and how hopeless life seems when you're trapped. But let me tell you: there is light! I can testify that it is an amazing feeling to be who you are and not worry about other peoples prejudices. Yes, the path to coming out of the closet is harder than I could have imagined; we in the gay community have endured much mental turmoil and inner debate. We have religions that outcast us as sinners and families that turn their backs, but even so I would not change it for the world. None of us here would be the same without going through the struggle of coming out; it builds character and strength. It truly allows us to empathize with other people in life, and the struggles that they go through for being different, or not "normal."
If you are in the closet and you are reading this, first and foremost go at your own pace. It was the wise advice given to me by some close friends to me, and it is passed on here. Do not rush for anyone else but yourself, for only you can truly know when you are ready to take steps.
Also know that it does take time; you must first accept it within yourself. If you accept that these feelings are present, then you're making progress. Take a deep breath and tell a close friend, someone you trust and love. I thought my friends may abandon me if they knew (and some will and do, sadly) but to my amazement the vast majority have been extremely supportive and loving. In fact, many were upset that I did not come out sooner or tell them face to face. So do not discount or underestimate your friends or your family; they should love you for who you are.
We're all human beings living life as best we know how, hopefully learning and growing and maturing as time passes us over. Happiness will truly flow into your life when the door is broken down, so don't be afraid.
Josh Henry is a senior political science major at VCU.
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Dream like you will live forever, live like you could die today. ~ James Dean
