Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

Giving pills to cats and dogs
 
 
CATS:

 

1.   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2.   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.  Put band aid on left thumb.

 

4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

 

5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

6.   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8.   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9.   Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.

 

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12.  Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13.  Tie the little ****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.

 

14.  Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

     15.  Arrange for Cat Rescue to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet

     shop to see if they have any hamsters or fish.

 

 

DOGS:

 

    1.   Wrap it in bacon or slice of luncheon meat.

 



 

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

loved that 

[dot-matrix]

[Dagi]

loved that 

 


 


 


 

[Kelda]

  (look at the little kitties face!!!!)

[Katie77]

Is that where the term....."eating pussy" came from.......

[Katie77]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman.  And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!", she cried. "How dare you do this
to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you.  I
want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so
at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but
they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began-
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless
that I took pity on her and let her into the car.  I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!  So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while
she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are
too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse
my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I
also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't
use because someone at work has a pair of the same.

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful
for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please.. do you have anything
else that your wife doesn't use?"

 

________________________________________________________

[Katie77]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known Lover's Lane spot. He  see’s a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He  immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by
 this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the  driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night  in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her  ... what's her age?"
The young man replied: she will be 16 in eleven minutes!