Turning a corner

[BBMGrandma]

What do you think the black whiskers represent to you?  (BTW...if I'm being too nosy, no answer required...no harm/no foul)  I'm just curious as to how you interpreted it.  In my own experience, I thought that the sense of being hugged closely, the swaddling shirts, etc. were the Jack/Ennis components of myself loving me or maybe giving me permission to love and accept myself or something.

"The scales are finally balancing...and in MY favor I should add."  Did you notice that there is a kitchen scale in the scene at Jack's parents house?

"I feel that questioning is a part of living.  We should never give that up....it's what keeps us ticking...don't you think?"
I completely agree...it is the process of living and looking for the answers that is important.

I have never felt nauseous before going to the theater, more guilty anticipation and excitement to see what this next time will bring.  However, I have emerged with stomach in knots in the style of Ennis guts-twisting upon leaving Jack for the first time.


Lynne

Dear Lynne....I'm never held back about sharing experiences with all of you here.  This is my SAFE place...here with y'all  <BBM drawl...LOL>  I had the feeling of being freed...Lynne.  As though all the ugly things in my life were being plucked out...and Ennis' reassurance as he held me from behind....was my rock...my strength...my golden rod!!  <no pun intended... >  Ennis seemed to be my connection to life itself.  Jack, on the other side, felt like all the lovers I have ever had and screwed up.  His smiling at me was like a gate being opened to freedom from ALL the internal turmoil that I've carried with me all these years.  Sitting in the warm dirt on that road....felt SO warm and loving.  When Jack caressed my cheek...<after it was clear of all that ugliness> and smiled at me...it was like sunshine pouring over me.  Brightness...love....safety.  When Ennis helped me up onto my feet...it was freedom to go and be ME!!   It seemed like my first taste of PURE LOVE and freedom.  When Ennis said..."Go on now purty girl...go on your way now" I KNEW that I was free to love myself!!  I forgave myself for all the guilt I've felt over the years....as though EVERY broken relationship was my fault.  Whew...what a totally freeing feeling that was/is/will be!!  AT LAST!!  Thank you Heath and Jake....for being brave and wise enough to bring this to us!!  bouquets!!  They are ALL winners in MY BOOK!!!   

psssst...No I didn't notice the scales in that kitchen!!  Hmmmm....irony? 

[BBMGrandma]

I finally found everyone !!!

.  I thought I was losing my mind.  These forums have been such a blessing for me.
I'm not alone out here.  I think it has hit us "mature" women have probably been more affected
because of the times we grew up in.

YAYYYY....welcome Karen!!  and yes....I think we ALL thought we were losing our minds.  I SURE DID!!!  I kept saying to myself...OK Nance...you've finally gone over the edge.  WHEW....thank goodness I found ALL of you.  Thank goodness we found EACH other...!!!

.  This movie makes me wonder if I was right.  I don't know. 
They has to be another Jack out there looking for someone like me??
Maybe not, but I've come to terms with things now.  Sort of !!!!

Karen....for your own well being....I'll wager that you ARE right.  Now it's time to go take a peek....be brave...and find that Jack out there!!  Now that you've digested and thought about your 'Ennis' style....!!!  I've always been an Ennis too....whew...now I'm gonna combine Ennis and Jack...and try and put myself in a better place. 

BIG HUG....Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

And today I am cleaning up my place in preparation for a small Academy Awards party I'm having tomorrow (first time I've ever done that).  Listening to the CD, (skipping over the Linda Ronstadt), and just now, as I write, Brokeback Radio is playing the beautiful opening music to the film. What a gift! I'm climbing up to heaven.  May your journey be filled with joy.  Iris.  

WOW....Iris!!!  You rascal!!  You mean you're gonna CLEAN your house?  WHEW!!  I'm still waiting for the inspiration to hit me.     HECK...it's still raining...no need to mop my floor yet...is there?  LOL  <two giant PUPS running in and out...and four kitty kats>   

HOORAY for you that you're having a little 'get together' with your pals.  Now remember....NO arsenic in the punch for those who may comment negatively about our 'boys'   

Iris....what do you think of MY interpretation of my dream?  Anything close to what your thoughts are?   I'd love to hear your 'take'. 

LUCK to OUR MOVIE TONIGHT!!!   

Nancy

[BBMGrandma]

Hi Nancy,

Sorry I haven't logged in for awhile.  I have been reading all the reviews of BBM on Amazon...I'm in the 300s now, lol.  Some of those people make me so mad, but I'm happy to say that the majority of the reviews are very, very positive, by both homosexual AND straight people.  I will be more conscientious about logging in from now on.   Thanks for this forum, I really needed it.  Wish I had the courage to go and talk to a therapist about it, lol!  Donna

HOOORAY....you're back Donna!!  ::::clapping my hands:::: thought we lost ya somewhere!!  I, for one, can't stay in Amazon too long.  I get NUTS reading the derogatory remarks from some people.  I take it personally....as though they were talking about my brothers!!!  I wanna SLAP EM!!!   

Hopefully.....if ya hang in here with us....Donna....you'll figure out a lot of 'stuff'....huh? 

HUgssssssss.....Nancy

[karentx]

Nancy, as you and I have said in emails , this movie opened up so much in us that was pretty
scary.  Still don't understand some of it, but I believe that if we all can just talk about it
together, we can all come to an understanding of our fear's, heartaches's and regrets,
and hopefully figure out what we can do for ourselves.  Be a support for one another.
I have to believe there is something good to come into all of our lives for having seen
this movie.  An true understanding of ourselves.   

I would like to know where each of us lives.  I live in Austin, Texas.  I know Nancy lives
in Northern California. 

Let's get to know one another, and be a sounding board for each other !

[Lynne]

Dear Lynne....I'm never held back about sharing experiences with all of you here.  This is my SAFE place...here with y'all  <BBM drawl...LOL>  I had the feeling of being freed...Lynne.  As though all the ugly things in my life were being plucked out...and Ennis' reassurance as he held me from behind....was my rock...my strength...my golden rod!!  <no pun intended... >  Ennis seemed to be my connection to life itself.  Jack, on the other side, felt like all the lovers I have ever had and screwed up.  His smiling at me was like a gate being opened to freedom from ALL the internal turmoil that I've carried with me all these years.  Sitting in the warm dirt on that road....felt SO warm and loving.  When Jack caressed my cheek...<after it was clear of all that ugliness> and smiled at me...it was like sunshine pouring over me.  Brightness...love....safety.  When Ennis helped me up onto my feet...it was freedom to go and be ME!!   It seemed like my first taste of PURE LOVE and freedom.  When Ennis said..."Go on now purty girl...go on your way now" I KNEW that I was free to love myself!!  I forgave myself for all the guilt I've felt over the years....as though EVERY broken relationship was my fault.  Whew...what a totally freeing feeling that was/is/will be!!  AT LAST!!  Thank you Heath and Jake....for being brave and wise enough to bring this to us!!  bouquets!!  They are ALL winners in MY BOOK!!!   

psssst...No I didn't notice the scales in that kitchen!!  Hmmmm....irony? 
[/quote]

Here's my first experiment with the quote option....

Nancy,

Thank you for sharing your interpretation of the whiskers...I can completely relate.  What a beautiful thought to have your iniquities removed...it goes to a central theme of the movie - the ideas of redemption and forgiveness and self-love.  Life is too short to be burdened by unnecessary guilt.  You seem like such a neat woman.  I'm really looking forward to getting to know you.

This movie has inserted itself in my psyche in such an unusual and uncharacteristic way.  It's so hard (impossible?) to get most others to understand.  The friend I took on Saturday night 'liked it' but did not understand the ephiphany.  I started a post over in the area for our 'beyond bbm' with goals, etc...

There was a significant event this weekend that I believe means I'm ready to really live this story (of course, time will tell...)

I'm caring for an aging parent and I had very difficult scene with the staff doctor at her nursing facility on Sunday.  It really threw me off balance.  I have been feeling happy, very close to content, and unusually motivated for several weeks now, and *poof* - in one day, that serenity was lost.  The exciting thing, though, is that after I got over my initial emotional reaction, I was able to consider my options and make what I believe to be the best decision and that sense of balance was restored...Sunday afternoon thru Monday night.  Heretofore that would have been unprecedented...of late I've been one to agonize over the least decision weeks or months, not days.  This time, my point of view was simple...this is right, this is wrong...we will not stand for the wrong...therefore...my decision is x.

I hope to hear from you soon...take care and many more sweet dreams for us all.
Lynne

[BBMGrandma]

This time, my point of view was simple...this is right, this is wrong...we will not stand for the wrong...therefore...my decision is x.

I hope to hear from you soon...take care and many more sweet dreams for us all.
Lynne

Lynne....Lynne....what a HUGE first step you made.  I mean....HUGE!!!  Did you hear little noises in your head as this 'decision' was being programmed??  I'm kidding of course because I'm sitting here SMILING SO BIG!!!  I'm so very glad for you Lynne   

We're all so glad you're here with us...getting to know one another!! 

I hope everyone is reading all the other posts in the other forums.  Some VERY interesting stuff in there...

[BBMGrandma]

There ARE so many corners to turn....aren't there?  I've decided to take one at a time though....otherwise I'll be overwhelmed. 

The FIRST corner I'm going to turn....may sound simple to everyone else.  But to ME....it's a big one.  I need to GET MY BUTT in gear and stop hermiting in my house.  Ever since I've seen Brokeback Mountain I've honestly been staying inside other than going for 'supplies at the bridge'    and trips to the theater.  I've used every excuse I can think of....to all my friends.  "It's raining...."  "I don't feel well..."  "I'm not in the mood...."  ad nauseam.  I just haven't wanted to be around ANYONE who didn't understand my BBM obsession. I've GOT to stop that.  It's not healthy for me and my friends are starting to worry about me.  Someone even called and actually wanted me to go see a DIFFERENT movie.  I'm not sure I can do that...but I'm going to try my best.

So that's my first corner!!  Let's see how it works. 

I'm thoroughly convinced now though...that Brokeback Mountain is forever imbedded into my heart and soul.  And...by the way....so is our FORUM here.  Such wonderful people here who I don't want to lose. 

Much Love....Nancy 

[iristarr]

Hi Nancy, and all . . . Just a word or two on my own "turning the corner," which  happened the Tuesday after the Oscar Awards Day of Tears, and which I wrote about somewhere in these forums, but don't remember where. (LOL) I find I've "settled down" a bit from the euphoria of that day, and am looking now at the myriad possibilities before me. I finally got my laundry done, and made the chore lists and checked things off until I feel finally caught up after losing the month of February up on that mountain. I've begun to dream again, and the dreams seem to be speaking to making choices, and how I might do that, and what is obscuring or delaying my decision-making, and what I'm afraid to commit to, etc. etc.  Stuff like that.  Just another phase in the journey, I'm sure, but I know this group comes together to find ways to "get on with life" after the Brokeback experience, and I'm a little impatient with myself lately.  I'm waiting for some clear "sign" -- something I can know in my heart, and follow. How are you all doing out there with this kind of stuff?  Peace, Iris

[BBMGrandma]

-  Just another phase in the journey, I'm sure, but I know this group comes together to find ways to "get on with life" after the Brokeback experience, and I'm a little impatient with myself lately.  I'm waiting for some clear "sign" -- something I can know in my heart, and follow. How are you all doing out there with this kind of stuff?  Peace, Iris

And what a journey it is....huh Elaine?  It's opening SO many doors for all of us.  I can tell by all the wonderful 'steps' that each of us are relating to one another here...on our forum.  Can't WAIT for Philip to open a chat room for all of us!!  I can just 'hear' all of us now....all talking at the same time about a myriad of things.  What FUN that will be!! 

I've been talking to myself in my BLOG....here...Iris.  I seem to do better with my thoughts about my own journey when I just spit them out to myself.  Perhaps it's my deep-seeded need to stay in my own 'space' and hide from everyone as far as personal things go.  When I think about that though...it makes me laugh.  Here I am....hiding from everyone and yet spilling my guts to ALL!!!  As if no one is watching!!  Gee I confuse myself at times..

I'm taking each step on my journey up the mountain...ONE at a TIME!!  If I look at the whole picture it seems to overwhelm me. 

Right now I'm holding those reins loosely....letting my horse kinda just plod along. Taking in the smell of the mountains....the beauty of the river.  I don't want to rush any of this.  I want it to settle into my bones...softly.  I want to FEEL every change....every subtle nuance.  I feel that if I rush...my horse may lose his footing...and stumble.  I have Ennis and Jack by my side.  They're leading the way for me.  Humming a soft tune...carefully picking our way up that trail. 

"See ya in the mornin..."   Love to all....Nancy