Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
What am I supposed to do when I know it's going to tear me up?
TheravadaAskesis:
Br. Patrick,
I'm happy you've reunited with your GirlFriend (I think the new PC term for FH is queer magnet :D). I'm currently needing to do the same. Emily and I have been friends since we were 14 (now we're 28) and we lived together for 6 years, but it's almost a year since we've hung out on a regular basis and weeks since we've seen each other at all. I don't know where this urge for self-isolation comes from but it's strong. I think the urge to cut off and not acknowledge the people who are important to us has something to do with a fear of our own emotions. It's part of the reason I can identify with Ennis so strongly. It's also the reason watching the movie kicks the crap out of me everytime. It reminds that I need to move forward a change myself, to not be so isolated and afraid. But it's not as easy as it sounds. It's one thing to know something consciously and on an intellectual level, it's quite another to actually follow through emotionally. Even writing this post is difficult, I know the response will not be negative, but the fear is still there. I think one of the great things I've learned from Brokeback is to acknowledge that the fear is there. It allows me to make a conscious choice about whether or not to allow it to make decisions for me. Not an easy choice, but at least the choice exists. Breaking patterns of behavior is difficult, but as my therapist told me taking the difficult choice and overcoming the fear should get easier over time. Meanwhile it's best to just constantly remind ourselves that we are worthwhile until we start to believe it for ourselves. I'm not sure if any of this applies to you, and forgive me if I've overstepped my boundaries, but your honesty inspired me to be honest too. I hope things continue to get better for you. "I Survived" is a great epitaph to have.
TheravadaAskesis
Br. Patrick:
--- Quote from: TheravadaAskesis on July 02, 2007, 11:21:21 pm --- Br. Patrick,
I don't know where this urge for self-isolation comes from but it's strong. I think the urge to cut off and not acknowledge the people who are important to us has something to do with a fear of our own emotions. It's part of the reason I can identify with Ennis so strongly. It's also the reason watching the movie kicks the crap out of me everytime. It reminds that I need to move forward a change myself, to not be so isolated and afraid. But it's not as easy as it sounds. It's one thing to know something consciously and on an intellectual level, it's quite another to actually follow through emotionally. Even writing this post is difficult, I know the response will not be negative, but the fear is still there. I think one of the great things I've learned from Brokeback is to acknowledge that the fear is there. It allows me to make a conscious choice about whether or not to allow it to make decisions for me. Not an easy choice, but at least the choice exists. Breaking patterns of behavior is difficult, but as my therapist told me taking the difficult choice and overcoming the fear should get easier over time. Meanwhile it's best to just constantly remind ourselves that we are worthwhile until we start to believe it for ourselves. I'm not sure if any of this applies to you, and forgive me if I've overstepped my boundaries, but your honesty inspired me to be honest too. I hope things continue to get better for you. "I Survived" is a great epitaph to have.
TheravadaAskesis
--- End quote ---
You and I have a lot in common. I couldn't have expressed better how fear and isolationism can sabotage our chances of a better life. Stop being a Tourist. Sign In. This a really great place to just be yourself.
peace~
br. patrick
Clyde-B:
--- Quote from: TheravadaAskesis on July 02, 2007, 11:21:21 pm --- Meanwhile it's best to just constantly remind ourselves that we are worthwhile until we start to believe it for ourselves.
--- End quote ---
I remember this. Wanting proof that I was worthwhile. Wanting to be loved as proof that I was lovable, that I should be loved. How does anyone prove that?
And then I discovered I was asking the wrong question.
The question I was askiing was: "How do I believe I'm worthwhile." "How do I believe in myself?"
The real question was "Why had I stopped believing it?"
I could vaguely remember a time when I did believe. And then people had started saying things and I began to doubt. All these years I had complained about the terrible things said and done. And it suddenly hit me. The problem wasn't what they had said. It wasn't what they had done. The problem was that I had believed them. They were older. They were wiser. They must know.
With their own problems and battles to get what they wanted out of life, I had been suckered into believing them over believing in myself. They had enlisted me as my own enemy.
Who is right about you? Who are you going to give the power to make that decision?
Clyde-B:
--- Quote from: merr7242 on July 03, 2007, 05:45:36 pm ---Clyde, boy can I identify with that. I think my self-esteem was so vulnerable to negativity, that the least little thing tipped me over the line. I'm too sensitive - I began to believe that I wasn't worthy. It all started when I was a kid, but as I got older I pulled myself out of the hole I'd been in out of my sheer will. I think back when I was "on top of the world" and wonder how I got there and what took me back down there. It took only one person and one word. Thanks for that image. That helps so much Clyde. How much do I owe you for the therapy session?
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Merr.
If it helped you, I'm very glad.
Seeing the power of my own fear and realizing that I was actually letting other people define who I was to me, was such a big epiphany, that I share it whenever I thnk it might help.
Artiste:
BM still tears me up!!
Guess because life is hard??
Even for gays in Canada and the USA??
Or??
Hugs!!
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