Here's my masks piece, if anyone's interested. Might as well publish it here. I realize, reading it now, it was a bit too long, dense and complicated. In order to get the humorous nuances you'd have to read fairly carefully and who does that these days? I should have kept each section no longer than 5-6 sentences.
I think you have to have an agent to submit to the actual Shouts & Murmurs, but they have a Daily Shouts feature online that I thought I might have a shot at.
Note: The ?s throughout the piece are supposed to be ' or " or --. I copied and pasted this from a pdf, but I'm not sure why they appeared that way. I'm just going to leave them because I think it's easy enough to read despite them.
The future of face masks
We?re all on edge these days, with our entire future basically a giant question mark. When can we hug our loved ones? When will our formerly thriving industries come back to life? When will we feel safe setting foot outside our homes? And most of all, when can we stop wearing these stupid masks?
For answers, we asked historians from the future, whose 20/20 hindsight produces data more precise than even Dr. Fauci?s. Turns out the answer depends on what point in the future the historians themselves occupy. Here are their replies:
2100: An Era
The masking era?more of a phase, really?began in the ?20s as protection against the Great Pandemic. The earliest iterations were cloth face coverings, often homemade by DIYers who owned ?sewing machines? (antique appliances long since replaced by clothing stores). Soon, nearly 99% of the population wore masks at all times, especially after the anti-masking portion of the population sharply declined. Even after doctors developed a treatment for SARS-CoV-2, many members of the Interrupted Generation continued wearing masks for the rest of their lives. One unfortunate long-term effect seen among those who had lived through the pandemic was a stubborn delusion, resistant to therapy, that a new virus could emerge at any time.
2200: A Fad
Generation New Normal had worn masks since infancy and grown up accustomed to seeing them on everyone including characters onscreen (except in historical settings, which relied on CGI to render the lower half of characters? faces). Thus, Normals considered masks an essential element of public presentation, as powdered wigs were in the 18th century. Designers continually introduced fresh styles until one year, at the spring shows, an audacious newcomer sent models down the runway fully unmasked. After a collective gasp, the fashion community embraced the naked-face look. Cosmetic companies brought back lipstick. Soon masking seemed outdated and dowdy. Today masks are rarely seen outside museums. Although recently there have been signs of the style?s resurgence in certain parts of the world.
2500: A Beginning
Few people practiced masking before the early 21st century, but masks became standard apparel around the time of the First Great Pandemic. For many years, masks were simple pieces of fabric with stretchy loops. They covered only the lower part of the face, as it was then widely believed that the nose and mouth were the only orifices through which airborne viruses could enter or exit the body. Over the ensuing waves of pandemics, masks became increasingly sophisticated?more effective, more comfortable and frankly cooler looking?eventually becoming the sleek gear we wear today. Our rugged ancestors managed to endure years of rudimentary masks lacking even the most standard features such as wireless transporters, the TelePathi? app and air conditioning.
3000: A Discovery
In the third millennium, individual homo sapien organisms (HSOs) began wrapping bits of cloth around their own mouthparts, a behavior scientists believe was a response to a series of assaults by lethal viruses. The HSOs? attempt to shield themselves with fabric suggests they may have been better at reasoning, communicating and using tools than previously thought. However, the fabric pieces were not infallible, and viruses continued attacking throughout those years, substantially reducing the HSO population. But eventually HSOs, which some scientists believe were measurably more intelligent than viruses, developed a chemical that eradicated their microscopic adversaries. Without a natural predator, invasive swarms of HSOs spread across the earth?s land masses, upsetting local ecosystems and putting other organisms at risk. Finally scientists developed a new treatment that effectively wiped out HSOs. Today, only a few specimens remain, cryogenically preserved for research purposes in a secret government laboratory in an area once called New Mexico.
40,000 BCII: A Mystery
?Did you see these old papers with pictures of people wearing weird coverings on their faces?? one says. ?What?s up with that??
?No idea,? says the other, sweeping a paint-dipped twig across the wall to depict the curve of a running beast?s haunch.
?Think they were trying to hide their identities??
?Why bother? They?d still recognize each other by smell.?
?Oh, right,? the one nods. ?Some kind of ritual, perhaps??
?Sure, maybe, whatever,? says the other. ?Now, would you please throw those old papers on the fire already? The cave is getting chilly.?
Topic: In the New Yorker... (Read 2393144 times)