Author Topic: Have you heard a good one lately?  (Read 25038 times)

vkm91941

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #20 on: August 05, 2006, 03:41:17 am »
 ::) OK what Can I say...my brother is an Espiscopal Priest, my maternal Grandfather was a Pentecostal Preacher who did tent revivals and most of my female friends are "Church Ladies"...so I hear a lot of them...My friend Jaime just sent me this one tonight.


This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands
and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.

Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The preacher,
blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and He said ... "Fuck him"!

Offline Arad-3

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #21 on: August 05, 2006, 02:38:43 pm »
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF

 
Your kids call your sister mom
 
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
 
You let your twelve~year~old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws:
 
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
 
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever die right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
 
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.
 
You go to your family reunion looking for a date
.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
 
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
 
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
 
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
 
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
 
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
 
Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
 
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
 
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos

.If you can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's forehead, and it works.
"
If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.



 
" Save a horse... ride a cowboy "

vkm91941

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #22 on: August 06, 2006, 02:28:00 am »
This one is from my 13 year old...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."

vkm91941

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2006, 02:47:24 am »
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm and continued to sip the Vodka to maintain his confidence. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is NEVER referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Offline Arad-3

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #24 on: August 06, 2006, 03:35:53 pm »
Victoria, that last one really cracked me up!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."


When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

" Save a horse... ride a cowboy "

vkm91941

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #25 on: August 06, 2006, 07:30:12 pm »
Geri, I can't even tell that one without cracking up and it's so much better if you can deliver the list dead serious... lets see if this one strikes your funny bone...

A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #26 on: August 06, 2006, 08:59:48 pm »
Two young brothers, aged 9 and 6 were up in their room, and the oldest brother said to the youngest...."lets start saying swear words, and see what happens".....the younger of the two was quite excited that his older brother was teaching him to swear, and they decided to try it out when their Mum called them down to breakfast.


Mum said to the eldest brother....."and what would you like for breakfast?"...feeling game, he said, "give me some of those damn bloody coco pops"......

He didnt see the Whack coming from his mother to the side of his head, and she yelled at him "get up to your room".....he ran away crying.....

"Now young man" she said to the youngest brother, "and what do YOU want for breakfast"?

Slinking back in his chair he said "Well I sure as hell dont want any FUCKING  coco pops"
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

vkm91941

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #27 on: August 06, 2006, 10:44:20 pm »
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

More ...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Offline acoustic man

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #28 on: August 07, 2006, 02:03:20 pm »
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

"Night after night he'll treat you right baby it's the guitar man"
www.myspace.com/tulliodellaquila

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #29 on: August 07, 2006, 07:27:46 pm »
Love em all Acoustic Man....very funny....

Heres another one....

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary.

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz".

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

The rich man replies,  "Well, if she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive the Mercedes Benz to take it back".

The poor man acknowldges the rich man's answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife for presents....."I got my wife a pair of flip-flops and a dildo".

"Why did you buy her those gifts?"

The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f*** herself".
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection