Author Topic: Have you heard a good one lately?  (Read 25037 times)

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #30 on: August 07, 2006, 07:42:46 pm »
heres another one.....

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.  He sits down and places the bag on the counter.  The bartender walks up and asks "whats in the bag"?

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches high, and sets him on the counter.  He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.  He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.  The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Motzart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.  This time he pulls out a magic lamp.  He hands it to the bartender and says "Here, rub it".

So the brtender rubs the lamp and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish....just one".

The bartender gets real excited.  Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks".

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck,, then another soon follows it.  Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming.

The bartender turnes to the man and says "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.  I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

"Tell me about it" says the man,  "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #31 on: August 08, 2006, 07:28:50 pm »
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.  There is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her - "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn" says the little old lady - "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some, Thanks for the warning".

"Well not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh No" says the little old lady.  "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there is a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds.  So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say "$20 or off it comes".

"Hey, not a bad idea" laughs the cop.  "OK, good luck.  By the way, what's int the other bag?"

"Well," says the little lady - "Not all of them pay".
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #32 on: August 08, 2006, 07:35:40 pm »
Hospital News...............

A woman called a local hospital.......

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302".

"I'll connect you with the nursing station...."

"3A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

I'd like to know the condition fo Sarah Finkel in room 302".

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records...Mrs . Finkel is doing very weill. In fact she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be aken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, thats fantastic....thats wonderful news ".

The nurse said, "Fom your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend".

"Neither, I AM Sarah Finkel in 302........Nobody here tells me shit."
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline BB Stacker

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2006, 01:34:45 pm »
 Incredible story about an elephant's memory
 
 UPI July 3, 2006
 
 A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
 While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull
 elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
 
 The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
 carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's  foot.
 There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
 
 As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with
 His hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
 foot.
 
 The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on
 its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood
  frozen --
 thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
 
 Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.  The
 man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
 
 Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his
 teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
 creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the
 rail.
 The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot  off
 the
 ground,
 then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while
 staring at
 the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same
 elephant.
 
 After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at  him.
 
 The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and  made his
 way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and  stared
 back
 in wonder.
 
 Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around  one of
 the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the  railing,
 killing him.
 
 Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Offline Arad-3

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #34 on: August 09, 2006, 04:50:56 pm »
lol...these jokes are so funny. That elephant story really had me going! :laugh: :laugh:
" Save a horse... ride a cowboy "

Offline Sheriff Roland

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2006, 05:40:06 pm »
The following is an actual transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off  the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. (note: You don't think I'd make this up, do ya? hunh?!?)

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE - FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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vkm91941

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #36 on: August 09, 2006, 11:22:32 pm »

vkm91941

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #37 on: August 09, 2006, 11:22:57 pm »
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Offline Arad-3

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #38 on: August 11, 2006, 01:18:47 pm »
Now that was funny Vicky! :laugh:




A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"


 
" Save a horse... ride a cowboy "

Offline BB Stacker

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #39 on: August 11, 2006, 03:00:27 pm »
How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.