Author Topic: Have you heard a good one lately?  (Read 25036 times)

Offline Katie77

  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *******
  • Posts: 7,999
  • Love is a force of Nature
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #40 on: August 11, 2006, 06:17:00 pm »
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of 1st Grade students and brought a bowl of "Lifesaver" lollies into the classroom to try the children out.

As she handed out each coloured lifesaver, the children began to say:

"Red????cherry"
"Yelow???lemon"
"Green???lime"
"Orange????organge".

Finally , the teacher gave each of them a honey Lifesaver.  After eating the honey Lifesavers, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," she said, "I'll give you all a clue.....its what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl then looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're arseholes!"
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline Arad-3

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • BetterMost 1000+ Posts Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,650
  • " Save a horse ... ride a cowboy "
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #41 on: August 12, 2006, 06:50:51 pm »
Good one Katie!!! :laugh:

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you." ;D

" Save a horse... ride a cowboy "

vkm91941

  • Guest
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #42 on: August 15, 2006, 12:28:22 am »
40 Short Lawyer Jokes

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.

Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A. There was an empty seat.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.

Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

vkm91941

  • Guest
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #43 on: August 15, 2006, 12:42:07 am »
Why Older Chicks Rule


by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes". 



This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's..and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!       

 


  Andy Rooney says:



As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:


A woman ove r 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?"  She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.  Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it's like to be unappreciated.  A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.  A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.  Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.


Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.  They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.  This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.  They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!  You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you.  Now 80% of women are against marriage,   W hy?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.


vkm91941

  • Guest
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #44 on: August 15, 2006, 12:47:02 am »
Free Porn.... scroll down unless you are easily offended.  ;)


























Hey what do you expect, it's free!  ::)

Offline Katie77

  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *******
  • Posts: 7,999
  • Love is a force of Nature
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #45 on: August 16, 2006, 08:14:53 pm »
Keep em coming......

Now heres one, maybe written by Ennis........


Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, and  grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was sleet mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing a gale.  I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into the bed.

There i cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

vkm91941

  • Guest
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #46 on: August 17, 2006, 12:53:22 am »

vkm91941

  • Guest
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #47 on: August 18, 2006, 02:23:49 am »
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"

Offline Katie77

  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *******
  • Posts: 7,999
  • Love is a force of Nature
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #48 on: August 21, 2006, 08:11:20 am »
I was having trouble with my computer.  So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.  Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.  He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him.  "So what was wrong?

He replied "It was an ID ten  T error."

I didnt want to appear studpid, but nonetheless inquired,  "An ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.  "Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No" I replied.

"Write it down", he said,  "and I think you will figure it out."

So I wrote down    I D 1 0 T.

I used to like Harold.
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

vkm91941

  • Guest
Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #49 on: August 27, 2006, 01:56:57 am »
Well Katie as you can see Harold got his...