Author Topic: Have you heard a good one lately?  (Read 25042 times)

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #90 on: January 11, 2007, 06:36:07 pm »
Why,  Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting  weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?   

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?   

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always  white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? 

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't  all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"   

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......   
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if  they're okay, then it's you.     
   
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline welliwont

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #91 on: January 21, 2007, 12:32:34 am »

Well this might get some laughs, I just found it on somebody's blog:

Talking Italians

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Then the clouds opened up and God said, "I hate you, Alfafa."

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #92 on: February 11, 2007, 08:32:14 pm »
Marriage Counselling:
>>
>> A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of  marriage.
>> When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
>> tirade listing every problem they had ever had.
>>
>>  She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
>> feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she
>> had
>> endured over the course of their marriage.
>> Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the
>> therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and
>> embraced and kissed her passionately.
>>
>> The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.
>> The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
>> needs
>> at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
>>
>> The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
>> here
>> on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
>>
>> He is still in counselling !!
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #93 on: February 13, 2007, 12:13:25 am »
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. One day they met up and discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #94 on: March 17, 2007, 12:55:40 am »
LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET
Noted Consonant Alienated by Controversial New Gay Muppet

NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the show's cast.



"The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with the show."

Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.

The gay muppet, "Roger," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of the episode before it makes a decision.

Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the population that employs the letter frequently.

"D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment of its users."

While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the rhythm of the alphabet song.

Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: "Me disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral. Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me."

« Last Edit: March 17, 2007, 01:00:58 am by dot-matrix »
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline David In Indy

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #95 on: March 17, 2007, 01:18:55 am »
  :laugh: :laugh:

Good one Dottie!  :D
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Offline David In Indy

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #96 on: March 17, 2007, 01:22:35 am »
I posted this in my blog last week, but most of you didn't see it probably, so here it is again...

Are you tired of those "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

None of that Sissy Crap

Here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be.... until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath - I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".



Friendship is like peeing in your pants; everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

And always remember.....when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.



SEND THIS TO ALL 5 of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 2.


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Offline David In Indy

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #97 on: March 17, 2007, 01:23:33 am »
GRANDPA ON THE PORCH

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well.... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea"
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Offline Katie77

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #98 on: March 17, 2007, 10:33:33 am »
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

 Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed

that there was a slight response on the monitor when

she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was

sizable movement.They went to her husband and explained what

happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a

little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

  The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that

  they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband

  finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the

  woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room.

  "What happened!?" they cried.

  The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?

 

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Have you heard a good one lately?
« Reply #99 on: March 19, 2007, 02:51:13 am »
New riddle in the email from my 10 year old niece tonight.. ;)



Why did the Cowboy get himself a Dachshund?

Answer: (highlight to reveal the answer) Because everyone kept saying "get a long little doggie"!
Life is not a dress rehearsal