Can someone help with an astrology question?

[delalluvia]

Hmmm, hard to say.

His lover of 14 years has been gone just over a year?  Correct?  I guess people have different mourning periods, but if someone says they're 'not ready to date yet', sadly, that usually either means exactly that or that means they're not ready to date YOU.

Either way, I don't see this going anywhere you may want it to.  I suggest you don't invest your heart any deeper than 'hanging out' together.

[injest]

actions speak louder than words! come on...don't be cynical! and we don't know when he said that about not being ready to date...if it was in Jan it would be an entirely different thing than if he said it yesterday!!

(Poor Jeff....we are just getting all up in your business!! LOL....just a buncha busy bodies!)

[delalluvia]

(Poor Jeff....we are just getting all up in your business!! LOL....just a buncha busy bodies!)

[embarrassed face]  I know, I know.  But heck, might as well give someone the benefit of our experience, eh?

When I was in mourning for a past relationship - much less a passed away loved one - and I told would-be suitors that I 'wasn't ready to date'.  I really meant it.  No matter how hard they courted or tried to come on to me.  It got to be irritating that they wouldn't take me at my word.

And I've also been told by lovers/bed buddies that they weren't ready to date and I obliged them by not demanding anything more...just to find out a week/month/year later that they had moved in with someone else - while we were still sleeping together. 

[injest]

but he KNOWS this guy...has for 14 years...it could work out...some do and some don't...I would rather vote for giving love a chance than to NOT...sometimes you just have to take the plunge and offer your heart.

you have to make your choice..are you going to be Ennis or are you going to be Jack?

I vote Jack..yes you could get hurt, but you might find something wonderful! Either way at least you will be living your life not just cruising thru...

(Ok promise Jeff I am now retreating back to my cubbyhole..gonna mind my own beeswax!)


Does anyone believe me?? LOL

[vkm91941]

Jeff I am happy for you, and I wish you well with your friend.  Just take it easy, take your time and see what developes if it's meant to be it'll happen and if it's not you'll at least strengthen your friendship and have a good time in the process and who amoung us couldn't use that. 

Take care honey and all the best of luck to you and Chris.

[louisev]

It has been a few months, though, Jeff, since he said he wasn't ready.

I read a good piece of advice by Dan Savage yesterday that seems appropriate here:  it might be worth saying to him, at a relaxing point in one of your hanging out sessions, that you have enjoyed hanging out with him, and that you did enjoy the night you spent together, and you enjoy his company and would like to keep doing it, and would like to sleep with him again when he's ready.  You might also want to tell him that you do want to bear in mind what he had said before about not being ready yet, and if he gets ready, please let you know because you are interested.

[Scott6373]

This is certainly true, the "any number of reasons," I mean. On one occasion, sensibly enough, it was because he had to work Sunday. His home is closer to his job than my place, and he said he just wanted to sleep in his own bed before he had to get up for work. I can't fault him for that--my mind works exactly the same way.

The main thing I'm unsure of is where, exactly, he's coming from, and how to proceed. If he should come to me and say he wants to try dating, I'll go for it--being fully aware that it will require some important compromises and sacrifices. But I'm 48 years old and I'm tired of being alone. I have nothing to lose by trying, and potentially a lot to gain.

There's this ggrwat little book out there called "He's just not that into you", not that I am suggesting that he isn't, but it really opens your eyes, in a very common sense way.  I do agree with you though...you'll never know if you don't ever try.

[nakymaton]

For a different perspective from Dellaluvia's: I remember being very reluctant to get into a relationship with a guy who helped me through a transition time in my life. I dumped him at least once during the first month of our relationship, in fact. But it was more because I felt that I was doing something wrong by being attracted to him.

We've been together for 16 years now.

So maybe Chris is not ready to date. And maybe he doesn't think he should be ready to date. Hard to tell without knowing the guy.

I've got to say, though, that I personally consider guys who help people through transitions to be pretty darn good partners in the long haul.

Couple of rough anniversaries coming up. Hang in there.

And good luck.

That reminds me, too. Another thing he did for me for my birthday: he defragged my hard drive. 

True love. (Said as the partner of a geek. )

[injest]

Jeff,

I don't think it is making excuses but more you are admitting your own worries. I do the same thing...I have a friend that used to email me every morning and IM me for two hours a day. Recently he has stopped emailing me in the morning...just does it occassionally. But he calls me on the phone and sends me postcards....after a while I think our friends become relaxed and know they don't have to keep trying. (for me it makes me happy to think we have reached a point where we trust that we are there for each other...so we can be ourselves...we can say "look I am tired and going to bed talk to you tomorrow" and know that it is ok) But I was so nervous those first couple of weeks wondering and fretting.

Like you said, what do you have to lose? You can see you have a lot to gain.

I agree though that right now is not the time to put any pressure on Chris...give it time...

[delalluvia]

The "not ready to date" comment was made early this year--maybe as early as January, I don't remember for sure. I'm the type of person who tends to take people at their word. I've persisted here because he is such good "husband material," and I expect that if I did as I would normally have done--backed off--by the time he decides he is ready to date, someone else will be at third base, whereas I haven't even come up to the plate.

Reminds me of that 'Seinfeld' episode where the 'perfect' couple broke up.  She beautiful, he gorgeous, both nice and sweet people.

Immediately, their friends around them - the Seinfeld gang included - smelled blood and were homing in on them.  Someone mentioned to Seinfeld about giving the girl some space for her 'mourning period'.  Seinfeld responded that her mourning period was 'a luxury I can't afford'. 

In a sense I've regarded the birthday cake as a curve ball. (How did I end up with all these baseball metaphors?) I still don't know what to make of that. The last person to bake me a cake was my mother, and she's been dead ten years!

Because he appreciated what you represented to him?  I'm not trying to be difficult here, but I found myself being very very kind to a guy I knew wanted me very badly, but who I didn't want at all, after a bad breakup because this guy had swooped in, shored up my devastated ego and made me feel attractive and desired.  He essentially picked me up with I was at my lowest point.

I've never forgotten that.  I've sent him gifts, gone to his parties, never forgotten his birthday, but I also never gave in to date or sleep with him either, even though I knew that is what he dearly wanted.  I didn't want to lead him on.

It's a possibility.

At the same time, to be blunt, not to say crude, we've only slept together once--and I did all the work. He has repeatedly declined additional invitations to stay over. (He lives a good 45 minutes out of the city, I live three blocks from our usual hangout.) I finally directly addressed the issue of whether I was out of line that night (he didn't ask me to stop, though maybe he was just being polite), and he insisted that I wasn't, that he was OK with it, so. ... 

This and the fact that he 'doesn't like to talk on the phone' as much as you do bothers me.

And talk about dumbass mules. Here I am asking whether there is any compatibility between a Taurus and a Virgo? Guess what I just remembered last night? Guess what my late boyfriend was (August 28)? 

 

D'oh!