Author Topic: I miss you on weekends  (Read 88387 times)

Offline RebelWithASmile

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #130 on: February 25, 2007, 08:13:05 pm »
oh god




This past 2 weeks have been....kinda bad.


So on Friday (Feb. 16th) Bill came over and he spent the night. We ordered some pizzas and we had some fun. It was a pretty good sleepover. We stayed up all night, and he left the next morning. Naturally, i was crestfallen when he left...

Well, he called later that day and we were chatting. I asked him if he wanted to come to the movies with me and my mom. I tried to help him fix his computer via cell phone. Well, his mom's girlfriend, Jackie, came home and she is known as being very, very bitchy (pardon my language).

Bill didn't hang up the cell phone when Jackie started yelling at him


She was pushing him, and she was yelling uncontrollably. She yelled "Do you want me to kill you?" And i was shaking....i was getting so upset, because she was yelling at him for no reason. It was horrible. After the fight, he told me "welcome to my life." I made sure he remembered that my house is opened for him anytime.

I told my mom about Jackie, and she called Bill's mom and threatened to call children services. Bill's mom cried to my mom on the phone, and when i got to talk to her, i started to cry. I couldn't keep my head straight.

Bill called me later, and he didn't sound like himself. It was like some messed up paradox. He was making excuses for Jackie, and using her bad childhood as an excuse for her bitching (she is 46!).

He said that the highlight of his life is talking to me

At this time....I'm worried that mine and Bill's friendship is being torn apart, but he says that it's not.

So he comes to the movies with us, and Jackie calls his cell phone....


He sucks up to her, and my mom goes nuts. I have to tell my mom to calm down. My mom knows what's going on, and she knows a**holes.

He spends the night again. He asks if I'm mad at him...I say yes. And i told him why. He was making excuses for Jackie.

The night doesn't go so well.

He tells me to hold in there.

I called him the next day (MONDAY)

I told him i'm just very over protective of my friends.

He kind of understood.

Next day at school, he told me I freaked him out when i was all 'emotional.'
I wrote a poem called LIAR about it :laugh:

He didn't get to go to Kelly's party...and that depressed me.

So...we both signed up for our school's Cow Pie Eating Contest

But, Friday (23rd) they picked random people to participate at an assembly, and we weren't picked.

I couldn't find him afterwards.

Yesterday (Saturday, 24th) he called. He said his mom insisted that he should spend the night. My mom complains. She doesn't trust him anymore..because of his dealings with Jackie...

We had fun. I picked on him a lot. I would put him in a headlock, and i even picked him up like a baby. We had some fun....

But we did argue a tad...I put my hand on his shoulder, and he asked if i was 'hitting on him.' I was caught off guard. I 'joked' and said yes. We got into a very awkward little thing. I put him in headlock, and i said "I love you like a brother....." and i think he took it wrongly. I embarrassed myself, and i told him i didn't mean to grope on him, i was just trying to show compassion. He said it was okay, and that i didn't do anything wrong.

he is such a good guy, but i felt very bad about going too far.

We've decided that we are going to get an apartment together after high school (well, kind of anyway). We want to make a movie/band/video game together. I hope i didn't ruin anything with my over-display of affection....

When he left (about an hour ago) today (25th, Oscar night) he was apathetic. He was glad to leave.
"He was very afraid of being hurt. He was afraid of opening up in case it was turned around and used against him."


Heaven holds a sense of wonder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0VVoScBd4k

Offline Shakesthecoffecan

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #131 on: February 26, 2007, 04:36:22 pm »
Friend, I try to be very conservative and careful in my advice, but I think the time has come. You and Bill need to talk. You have come out to your mother, and your cousin, perhaps it is time he knows who you are too.

Do this from a position of confidence. You have your self respect, your self esteem, and regardless of how it goes, you will have that to fall back on. Based on what you have told us, it does not seem like Bill will reject you.

Now I am not saying tell him about your feelings for him, you can work on that later. What is important at this point is not that you two have feelings for one another, but that you are as complete and whole and open a person as you can be at this point. Be proud of who you are. Your friends here are.
"It was only you in my life, and it will always be only you, Jack, I swear."

Offline Lumičre

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #132 on: February 26, 2007, 04:57:04 pm »
Now I am not saying tell him about your feelings for him, you can work on that later. What is important at this point is not that you two have feelings for one another, but that you are as complete and whole and open a person as you can be at this point. Be proud of who you are. Your friends here are.

Good words Truman!  I second every word.

Phoenix - I am sure that you know that nobody here thinks there is something wrong with you.  We are all here to support you in whatever little way we can.  Sharing this very important part of yourself with Bill will be very eye-opening for you, no matter how it turns out.  It is defintely a very crucial step to take.  And like Truman said .. you don't have to tell him everything at once.  Baby steps, you'll get there .. and know that you have nothing to be ashamed of.  :)


Offline Br. Patrick

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #133 on: February 27, 2007, 05:59:05 pm »
thank you all for commenting.

Phoenix,
Wow, does your story ever take me back.  You are in some ways way luckier than I was.   It was 1969-70 and all the gay guys in high school would congregate around this large loving girl.  She was my ‘official’ girlfriend.   She even bought me a class ring so “I could give it to her”.   She would protect us from Bullies!   Debbie was wonderful and I love her still.  We said nothing publicly of our Orientation.  I had what I thought was a platonic relationship with a fellow freshman named Terry.  I was pretty sure Terry was gay so I came out to him.  (The first person I came out to was the high school counselor (his first year out of school – oh  boy, was I glad I had someone who was “supposed” to understand.)  But, I would only tell Terry about this incredible love, lust, & infatuation with a guy in an upper grade named Scott Schroeder.  When he came down the hall I would literally have to RUN to a side wall to steady myself.  My knees became like rubber.  My only way of connecting with Scott was sharing cigarettes with him in the washrooms.  Usually there were a few others, but one day it was just him and I smoking.  I was in Heaven!  He took a long drag, exhaled and told me to keep the cig.  Well Keep it I did – for a long, long time!  Anyway, I felt comfortable enough with Terry to tell him all about my feelings for Scott Schroeder.  And how I would use psychedelic paint to write his name over and over for a poster in my bedroom which would light up under black-light.  Then we were sophomores and right after I got my drivers license, I drove Debbie, my girlfriend, and Terry to our small farm and parked in a field to talk.  One thing led to another and pretty soon Debbie was wandering ,out of it, in our field while Terry poured out his love for ME and how he felt for ME the same way that I felt for Scott Schroeder.  I didn’t want to hurt Terry’s feelings and some futile attempts at fellatio happened.  Then Debbie came back crying as she had figured the whole thing out.  My memory clouds at just what happened next but the important part is that we all stayed really close all through high school.  Once upon a time there was my ‘First Love’ and I will never forget it or regret it!  (in my heart of Hearts I keep hearing it is time to talk to Bill)...

peace :)
br. patrick
« Last Edit: February 27, 2007, 06:22:40 pm by Br. Patrick »
Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rugged old road
In a world that may say that we're wrong.

...Cause I know - A love that will never grow old.

Gustavo Santaolalla & Bernie Taupin

Offline RebelWithASmile

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #134 on: March 03, 2007, 09:27:15 pm »
Thank you all.

I hate talking to my mom about it.

I can't tell Bill YET, though. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to 'risk it all,' even if he would except me. I've came to the conclusion that i'll tell him way before we graduate (which was my original plan). But right now, i just want to soak in him every time he comes over (he isn't over this weekend, surprisingly) It's been 2 weeks since his and Jackie's fight.


Thanks for the very interesting story Patrick. I love the word 'fellatio' and yes I know what it is.

This poem is about him...but it's weird,

Withstanding

Passionate lips of melancholy
Splintered with years of
Beat downs and bereavements

Eyes filled with tears
But they never come
They are Overdue

You are so strong
Fighting to sleep
And to keep peace in
A powder keg
No, you never cry
But your eyes are
Never dry

When will the dove come?
She's long overdue
When will the hope come?
You need her to get through
Who will hold the peace
Other than you?

Something always breaks
Usually Its your heart,
Crumpling in pieces
Shattering on the floor
Till it is no more

You are your own shadow
Hiding behind the one
Everyone sees
Crying inside
And weak at the knees
Pleading for a hand
Screaming for someone
To understand you
As you stand

Not as who they want
But as who you are
Beautiful and up to par
No matter how they beat
You this day
You'll get up and
Walk through the glass
And fire
And fear
Of not having anyone
Who loves you near

But just look for the north star
And you'll see
A place to rest
A place to sleep
"He was very afraid of being hurt. He was afraid of opening up in case it was turned around and used against him."


Heaven holds a sense of wonder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0VVoScBd4k

Offline RebelWithASmile

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #135 on: March 09, 2007, 08:40:17 pm »
PLEASE listen to this song. I'm going to make a BBM music video with it (sometime down the road) It's amazingly sad.

Sarah McLachlan - I Love You (LIVE)






3/9/07

Me and WILLIAM(  :D  ) auditioned today for a play! My monologue was from Rebel Without a Cause. The 'You're Tearing me apart' scene  ;)


Then me and Bill had to read lines together (from the play). I embarrassed myself by reading the script horribly. Yeesh...


He called his mom at work to see if he could spend the night.....Jackie answered the phone and REFUSED to let him talk to his own fucking mother............


So he asked Jackie if he could spend the night and of course she/it said no. I say 'it' because she's a transvestite. I told Bill to ask his mom when he got a chance, since Jackie has no real say....

Me and mother took Bill home. he led us the way, but me and mother already knew the way, because yesterday, we did a little spying, by driving over to his house ::) Just to see.

We sent a letter to Bill's father (who's in jail) to see if he could help the situation when he gets out (March 21, i think).


Please, someone reply!
"He was very afraid of being hurt. He was afraid of opening up in case it was turned around and used against him."


Heaven holds a sense of wonder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0VVoScBd4k

Offline Lumičre

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #136 on: March 09, 2007, 10:08:14 pm »
Hiya friend!

Good to hear from you.
I been meaning to drop by and comment on your last poem, Withstanding, but didn't get around to it.
Simply put, it is beautiful and haunting, like alot of the poetry you write.
Like I tell ya every time, keep it up! :)


Bill's home situation sounds complicated, what with his mother's girlfriend's attitude towards him!
Here's to hoping something gives, for his sake.
Also, let us know if you both get into the play!  ;)


~M


Offline Shakesthecoffecan

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #137 on: March 10, 2007, 03:42:39 pm »
Beautiful song, I love Sarah Mclachlan, and she is so beautiful too. I thinks she does that song "The Arms of an Angel". I wonder where that CD is.....

Good luck with the audition! I hope you and WILLIAM!!!!! get parts. I think you all are lucky to have one another, from your descriptions it sounds like you are the bright spots in one anothers lives.
"It was only you in my life, and it will always be only you, Jack, I swear."

Offline Andrew

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #138 on: March 11, 2007, 09:37:07 pm »
Phoenix,
You are such an artist, I know making those videos and poems is going to keep you sane however things are blowing in your crazy life full of feelings. 

I really like that poem and the last one you posted, I have memorized parts of them and have been thinking about melodic lines that would go naturally with the words.  Some day you are going to write a hit song!

I also really like the video in your sig line, with the Coldplay song.  You have put the images and the words together so well.  You just know that film and where to go to find what you want in it.

I know you can turn the Sarah McLachlan song into something special if you want - something I would like better than that video of her singing it!  She is trying to be interesting for the camera but the arm movements just don't look natural or sincere to me.  You'll do much better with images from the film!

It's good to hear you're getting your mom as an ally.  With Bill coming over to your house more and the situation with his family getting more obvious, it helps to know that you are not the only one outside his family who knows how hard it is for him.  Situations like that really need to be watched.  It's important for Bill to know that he can tell you anything, he doesn't have to cover up for Jackie.  She may just seem like an embarrassment to him, and if that means she is not doing anything to his self-esteem by carrying on the way she does, that's good.  But sometimes a person like that can turn into an abuser, and if it happens it just can't be allowed to go on, people can get hurt. 

Keep us posted here and keep those great lyrics coming!





« Last Edit: March 18, 2007, 10:11:17 pm by Andrew »

Offline RebelWithASmile

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Re: I miss you on weekends
« Reply #139 on: March 18, 2007, 09:26:19 pm »
thanks Andrew


I have to say, i'm going to watch that gay soap opera on youtube that everyone is dying over.


First, last week was testing, so it was a bad week. Bill didn't get a part in the play, but i did. I got Dr. Purgon in 'The Imaginary Invalid'

I felt bad that he didn't get a part, but someone just dropped out, so he might still have a chance.

Mrs. Day, my Teen Issue's teacher, is Bill's neighbor, and i told her (confidentially) about Jackie, and etc. I think she has a right to know as their neighbor (just in case). Mrs. Day said Jackie is a great neighbor to have :o

3/18 Sunday


Bill spent the ENTIRE weekend at my house! I was so happy! My mom just picked us up after school was out. I had to witness Bill 'flirting' with a girl he likes a lot.

First thing that happens when we get to my house is me and my mom get into a fight >:(

My sister called and told us to babysit her son for the weekend because she 'made plans with her new boyfriend for St. Patrick's day.' I was very angry. Bill and I had planned on him spending the weekend at my house for about two weeks!
And Chance, my nephew, is a very big burden and i didn't want him to interrupt mine and Bill's time. I know that sounds selfish, but i was just so disheartened.

My mom was attacking me with personal attack after personal attack. We were arguing RIGHT IN FRONT OF BILL, and i got uncomfortable. Of course, mom played it off as my fault. She has been doing so since i came out to her. She even used Bill's family against me! I got really pissed, and really embarrassed. It ended when Bill said 'can you guys do this when I'm not here?'

My mom, later that night, came downstairs and acted all 'independent woman.' She called me a dumbass for no reason, and i just gave her a very serious look and said 'why are you doing this to me?' She answered by grimacing and bitching some more. She was a horrible mother this entire weekend.

Bill, yesterday at sometime, turned to me (we were sitting at the computer) and said 'I Love You-not like that" and then he gave me a hug and said i was 'his best friend.' Liar. He was just saying it because i was making him a CD, but he seemed serious.  :D ??? :'( :-\

Last night...lets just say we had a discussion about something guys do when alone ::) if i could be so bold in saying so :laugh:

I asked him (today) if he was happy (in general). He said yes, then said why, and one of his answers was 'and I'm at the house of a good friend of mine, Phoenix"

We watched a couple horror movies.

Mom was pissed because Bill ate all of our chicken noodle soup, and that he spent TWO nights, instead of one. She embarrassed me, and she kept on asking stupid questions like 'why are you acting this way?' What she doesn't understand is that i'm in severe Limerence, and that she was embarrassing me in front of my crush. I confronted her about it today, and she got all bitchy, and we got into another fight. She said that she regretted moving to this town and that Bill is using me. Bill always says he's sorry and that he's very thankful for the stuff i do for him. I truly do not think he is taking advantage. Yeah, he has selfish problems, but I put those to a stop right away.

Thank god we couldn't get Keli on the phone, because she was going to come over to my house, and the three of us were going to walk to the cemetery. I'm glad she was avoiding the calls.

I really don't know if this was a good or bad weekend.
"He was very afraid of being hurt. He was afraid of opening up in case it was turned around and used against him."


Heaven holds a sense of wonder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0VVoScBd4k