Author Topic: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?  (Read 11085 times)

Offline Penthesilea

  • Town Administration
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 14,478
Re: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2012, 05:16:41 am »
I voted Yes, but she should say nothing specific about their relationship, if possible.

A funeral is not the place to confront anyone, out anyone or behave in any way that might add to the grief of close family or friends. That's just cruel, regardless of what the grieving family did, or did not.


I was in a somewhat similar situation at my father's funeral. My parents had been divorced for long years, yet had become friends over the last years of my father's life. But they also still had big differences, there was a reason why they were divorced.
Imagine my surprise when, at my fathers funeral, the sermonizer (not sure about the word, he was no clergy) announced to the whole community that my parents had planned to marry again! I knew for sure that this was a plain and simple lie on my mother's side.

I let it slide and was happy nobody asked me for details. I just let them believe whatever they did. A funeral is not the place for such things. (Much) later, when family members asked me if that was true in a one on one talk, I told them it wasn't true, but let be, let be. So through the grapevine the family knows what's what, and who does it hurt when some old collegues, neighbours and other acquaintances believe they were about to marry?

I know the situation is not the same as in the Prudence letter, but the principal is the same. And you do not disturb a funeral, period.

Offline Shakesthecoffecan

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *******
  • Posts: 9,564
  • Those were the days, Alberta 2007.
Re: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2012, 01:24:05 pm »
I like that word Sermonizer, I am going to use it from now own. Thank kew.  ;D
"It was only you in my life, and it will always be only you, Jack, I swear."

Offline ifyoucantfixit

  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *******
  • Posts: 8,049
Re: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2012, 01:37:06 pm »


   Well I realize I have come rather late to this article.  However I am a very big pragmatist.  I believe that the thing that works best is the
proper thing to do in most cases.  The truth should have been known all along.  He told his parents, about being gay.  However they were
unable for whatever reason to accept his truth.  They obviously wanted him to be straight even though they knew the truth.  He lived his
life knowing that he was not what they wanted him to be.  He accepted their unacceptance.  He knew how they felt about it full well, I am
sure.  He probably would not care any more what they thought of him.  He wanted them to accept him alive.  He is no longer alive, so it is
a moot point. 
   The young woman should go to the funeral, knowing the misunderstanding and just let it go.  She does no one any good for the long term
by outing the whole affair at the funeral.  It will only make him seem an object of contention.  He should not be made an object of gossip and
snickers by the company in attendance.  Let be, let be...  She could say something in the way of "I am going to miss him tremendously, if asked."



     Beautiful mind

Offline Penthesilea

  • Town Administration
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 14,478
Re: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2012, 01:39:52 pm »
I like that word Sermonizer, I am going to use it from now own. Thank kew.  ;D

Lol, my dictionary offered it. I knew it sounded strange, why I put the qualifier to it. :laugh:

I meant someone who does the same as a priest/preacher during a funeral, only without the religious stuff. Someone who talks to the family before, learns about the deceased and then holds the speeches and conducts the ceremony.
How do you call that in English?

Offline southendmd

  • Town Administration
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 15,468
  • well, I won't
Re: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2012, 01:45:24 pm »
Maybe "eulogist"? Or "facilitator".

Offline Jeff Wrangler

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 27,294
  • "He somebody you cowboy'd with?"
Re: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?
« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2012, 02:17:29 pm »
Maybe "eulogist"? Or "facilitator".

I guess if he delivers a talk about the deceased, he would be a eulogist.
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline delalluvia

  • BetterMost 5000+ Posts Club
  • *******
  • Posts: 8,289
  • "Truth is an iron bride"
Re: Should a gay man's fake fiancée attend his funeral?
« Reply #16 on: October 20, 2012, 11:43:26 pm »
I voted

Yes, but she should say nothing specific about their relationship, if possible.

If the woman was the gay man's friend, she should go to his funeral.

I voted the way I did because I went to a wedding with a gay friend.  The wedding of his ex-lover to a woman.  My friend was his best man.

I was welcomed warmly by the groom's family.  They just knew that I would be 'good' for my friend.  It finally dawned on me that like their future daughter-in-law, they had pleasant ideas that I had also 'turned around' my gay friend.

I just smiled and didn't enlighten them about our relationship.  I let them make their own conclusions.

I'd do the same at a funeral.  It's not my place to correct anyone.