Author Topic: Another viewing, and a revelation  (Read 7036 times)

Offline Kelda

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • BetterMost Moderator
  • The BetterMost 10,000 Post Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 14,683
  • Zorbing....
    • Keldas Facebook Page!
Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #50 on: October 31, 2006, 11:16:31 am »
Thanks Kelda.  I do agree about depression.  It is unfortunately not a choice.  I was depressed for a very long time.  I saw it as a weakness and asking for help as an even bigger weakness.  I finally admitted that I could not handle everything on my own and did get help.  It has made a tremendous difference in my life and the lives that I affect.  I think that sometimes negative things from someones past affect them and they do not even realize it.  Our past shapes our future in good and bad ways.  You just have to take the good and forget the past.  I do agree that sometimes it is hard. 

hope

Glad that you got help and realised that its okay to have this 'weakness' but that you musttry to do something about it to combat it.  ;D
http://www.idbrass.com

Please use the following links when shopping online -It will help us raise money without costing you a penny.

http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/idb

http://idb.easysearch.org.uk/

Offline ednbarby

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • BetterMost 1000+ Posts Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,586
Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #51 on: October 31, 2006, 11:51:19 am »
I'm right there with you, Hope.  Of my two brothers and me, I'm the one who seems to have emerged the most successful in all areas of life.  My eldest brother never went to college even though my Dad offered to pay for it (he was too bitter about my Dad's role or lack thereof in all our suffering), and he struggled through menial jobs for many years before he finally got to a point where he could afford to go to school at night and get ahead in life.  And he did do that all on his own, but with great hardships along the way.  And he still is embittered against my father and has made a lot of important decisions in his life, like staying in a *horrible* mentally-abusive marriage for years because he so didn't want to be like him and leave his wife and kids to fend for themselves, because of his feelings about his father.  The other brother dropped out of high school at 16 and has been in and out of construction and factory jobs all his life.  He is a raging alcoholic and sex addict, and he also smokes and eats to excess.  He has been married and divorced twice and is engaged to number three.  As successful as I have been and as much as I thought I put the ugliness of my childhood behind me, I obviously didn't put it far enough behind me to not have it affect my marriage.  Had I continued to opt not to tell my husband about it, we would very likely be separated right now with the future of our small child hanging in the balance.

Yes, what makes siblings from the same household react to what they all experienced so differently?  Part of it, I guess, is that no two of us can experience it exactly the same way.  And our genetic and chemical makeup, I think, determines how resilient (or not) we'll be.  We're each unique in exactly how we experience our environments, physically and emotionally, even if we share the same overall one.

I do think we can raise our children to be more optimistic than not, though.  I think we can do that by letting them fail and by not sugar-coating it to falsely build their self-esteem but instead showing them how they can fix it, or if it's not fixable, or how they can do something different that they *are* good at.  And by not over-reacting ourselves when we make a mistake or when some little thing goes wrong.  Even though I think our chemical makeup largely determines how we'll view the world and react to it, I still think we can help shape our childrens' view to be more positive than not just by showing them we have that view ourselves.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2006, 12:28:40 pm by ednbarby »
No more beans!

Offline Momof2

  • Sr. Ranch Hand
  • ***
  • Posts: 117
  • BLISS
Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #52 on: October 31, 2006, 02:44:48 pm »
I agree totally.  I did not tell my husband about my past for along time.  Once I finally did, I think it really did help.  Now he understands alot more.  My children know I did not have a good life growing up but they see me now.  My sister gets mad at me about the way I handle things with my kids.  I want them to understand that they can do anything they want but that they have to work on it.  My sisters oldest daughter is just like her and her youngest is just like me.  My youngest niece tells me all the time that she is glad she is like me and not like her mother.

My children are like little old souls.  To me they have wisdom beyond their years.  I tend to be more patient with my children because I can remember my mother screaming at me about everything.  My children know that I love them more than the breath I breathe and that I will always be here for them. 

I do tell my sister to grow up and get over it.  The sad thing is, she never will.  I do not think she could survive without all of the drama. 

If you can't fix it, you got to stand it.  That is my moto.  Life is not always fun and games.  It takes hard work. 
I wish I knew how to quit you.

Offline ednbarby

  • BetterMost Supporter!
  • BetterMost 1000+ Posts Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,586
Re: Another viewing, and a revelation
« Reply #53 on: October 31, 2006, 04:12:43 pm »
I do tell my sister to grow up and get over it.  The sad thing is, she never will.  I do not think she could survive without all of the drama.

Yep.  Sounds precisely like the kind of person I call a professional victim.  Everything is about them, and everything is someone else's fault.  Must be convenient to not have to take personal responsibility for anything.  Funny - my oldest niece is just like me (and my oldest brother/her father) and her younger sister is just like my middle brother.  They haven't had the most glorious childhood, either.  Their mother is positively psychotic and should probably be institutionalized.  Fortunately my brother has been a wonderful father to them - wanting so badly not to repeat the failings of his father, he's probably overindulged them a little.  Not with possessions and stuff like that - he's had to struggle to have enough money just to survive at times.  But with no discipline whatsoever.  My oldest niece has always been an old soul and an adult way before her time, so she's been able to discipline herself well enough that she doesn't require anyone else's.  My youngest niece is quite a different story.  Luckily she's talented athletically and musically, so all her after-school activities keep her out of trouble most of the time.  But she's a drama queen extraordinaire, and nothing she does wrong is ever her fault.  Again, it's so interesting how two people from the same household and so close in age in their case (they're 11 months apart) can have such vastly different views of the world.

There are a lot of people out there who really thrive on crisis.  When they don't have a legitimate one, they create one.  I've always been just the opposite.  I always felt like the sky was falling when I was a child and I lived in a state of constant panic that I hated.  So I've sought out calm situations.  Like an Ennis, people who are overtly emotional kind of freak me out to the point that I probably appear cold and unfeeling to the ones who don't know me well.  Ed is just the same way, so I've always been very comfortable with him.  We laugh all the time, but we don't do much (or any) crying.  Or yelling.  Or slamming doors.  I guess a good crisis makes that other kind of person feel alive - they somehow need the boost of the stress it creates.  I generally prefer not to feel like I'm coming right of out my skin.
No more beans!