On Caregiving

[brianr]

My sister has just emailed me, the husband of her friend passed away at 12.30pm today so the ordeal is over.

[Jeff Wrangler]

I'm glad to hear your mother was better yesterday.

[Front-Ranger]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, brian. It really helps put things in perspective. I was starting to think maybe I was doing something wrong by visiting Mom so much. Now I think I'm on the right path.

[serious crayons]

I agree, of course. And even though I have friends whom I'm sure would be willing to help, they have their own lives with their own issues. Who knows what might be going on with them when I might need help? (That might sound selfish, but that's sort of my point; you hate to ask/impose.)

You belong to a church, though. A church community can really step up at times when a member needs help.

[serious crayons]

Where your grandmother was, did they have a staff person to sit with each resident to help them eat? That could be a very expensive proposition! If I didn't come over to help my mom, somebody would probably help her with a few bites as they were going past, but she would pretty much be on her own. I've watched others at the table struggling, some who have hand injuries but were still trying to eat by themselves. Occasionally, I've arrived late and a staff person has cut up her meat for her, but she has to spear it and put it in her mouth herself.

I interviewed a woman who opened a new kind of assisted living center after watching what happened to her mother. Her mother kept being put in confined lonely "memory care" areas, she'd get enraged and act out, then get kicked out of the center. Finally she wound up someplace where they basically kept her drugged and drooling, completely out of it. Determined that others shouldn't suffer the same fate, this woman, Judy, spent years studying and talking to people and raising money. She quit her business job and opened a home where staffers were trained to spend time with residents, talk to them, treat them like regular people. Staffers brought their children and pets to work. It went so well in terms of residents' happiness and life satisfaction that Judy opened a second house. She planned to have four in all. But the business model just didn't work. Judy lost the homes and her life savings. The place was bought by a company that said they'd maintain her vision but Judy thinks they have not. The economics of it don't work.

[CellarDweller]

When my grandmother was in the facility, I believed she was always better off when my mother was there.  Not because the place was bad, in fact, it was a great place, but because the staff had their limits, and I know my grandmother got better care from my mom, who was able to focus on her 100% when she visited.

And when she visited, she always made sure it was during one meal time, so she could eat with her mother, and she could help feed her and get more food into her.

[Jeff Wrangler]

And when she visited, she always made sure it was during one meal time, so she could eat with her mother, and she could help feed her and get more food into her.

When both my grandparents were still living and capable, my dad and I were able to join them in their retirement community for Thanksgiving dinner one year. Same deal when my mother was in the hospital over one Thanksgiving.

[Front-Ranger]

Believe it or not, I'm heading off to bed. It's 8:23 in the evening. Exhausted, trying to care for my mom.

[CellarDweller]

When both my grandparents were still living and capable, my dad and I were able to join them in their retirement community for Thanksgiving dinner one year. Same deal when my mother was in the hospital over one Thanksgiving.

Ah, ok.  Whenever my mother visited, she was allowed to sit with her mom in the eating area (not sure what they called it) and they would give mom a plate of whatever they were serving for lunch.

[Jeff Wrangler]

When both my grandparents were still living and capable, my dad and I were able to join them in their retirement community for Thanksgiving dinner one year. Same deal when my mother was in the hospital over one Thanksgiving.

Ah, ok.  Whenever my mother visited, she was allowed to sit with her mom in the eating area (not sure what they called it) and they would give mom a plate of whatever they were serving for lunch.

Of course we had to pay for that dinner with my grandparents. Mennonites can be pretty tight-fisted.