My Discussion With God

[two_bloody_shirts]

----------- >iGod< ---------

*please take this as humor and not a serious religious commentary - no offense is intended*

Me:
 Ennis and Jack love each other.
God:
My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that.
Me:
 You are afraid to talk about homosexual love.
God:
I do not fear anything.
Me:
 Did you watch Brokeback Mountain?
God:
No I missed it.  How was it?
Me:
 It is the best film of 2005. 
God:
What makes it the best?
Me:
 Why didn't you see it?  Even my mother saw it.
God:
Who says I didn't?  I sometimes wish I had a mother.
Me:
 You heard of it before, but didn't see it. 
God:
I know very little about it. What part of it do you like?
Me:
 You are getting confusing - is that a deity trait?
God:
Do you think I should tone it down?
Me:
 You should stick to topic.  Ennis loves Jack.
God:
Thanks for your suggestion, I will have to consider it.   Do not ask me any more questions please.
Me:
 I cannot believe it, you are avoiding me again.
God:
Once more?  What does "it" refer to?
Me:
 "It" refers to two men who love each other.
God:
Ennis loves Jack refers to two men who love each other?
Me:
 I thought you were all-knowing.  Obviously I was wrong.
God:
No, I am only partly knowing.  What makes it so obvious?  About what?
Me:
 *screams*  Why did I start this conversation in the first place?
God:
Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
Me:
 I'm out of here.
God:
...........

[henrypie]

We're approaching Samuel Beckett's centenary.  Something just made me think of that....

[bbm_stitchbuffyfan]

Here's mine:
Me:
 I love Brokeback Mountain.
God:
You love  Brokeback Mountain. What do you like about  it so much?
Me:
 Everything.
God:
That is a lot.
Me:
 Yeah, you could say I've gone off the deep end.
God:
Great.  I could but let's get back to that later.
Me:
 Oh, you want to go off the deep end?
God:
I see.  Sure, just download me to your notebook or PDA and take me along.
Me:
 Yeah, I'll give you a ring some time.
God:
Hmm.  How do you plan to do this?
Me:
 Oh, damn it, I should have said "I'll drop you a line."
God:
I don't judge people.  Don't be angry.  What would happen if you didn't?
Me:
 If I didn't what?
God:
Try it.
Me:
 Try droppin' you a line?
God:
OK I will try it.
Me:
 Do you know my number?
God:
No I do not know that kind of personal information. But I could find out.
Me:
 That's a let-down. I thought you were smarter than that...
God:
A  let down is a terrible thing to waste.   Of course I am more intelligent than  that.
Me:
 Prove it.
God:
It is self-evident.
Me:
 Uh-huh, how so?
God:
Alright then. ,  Well, it's rather difficult to define.
Me:
 Where there's a will, there's a way.
God:
In the Universe we know.
Me:
 What the fuck are you talking about?
God:
The topic is  Brokeback Mountain.  Please don't be so rude.
Me:
 Oh, yes, back to Brokeback. Ennis and Jack have an incredibly deep love for each other.
God:
That's alright.  Tell me more.  Yes, let us get back to  Brokeback Mountain.   Can we get back to business?
Me:
 I am back to business, thank you. Anyway, Brokeback is the greatest movie I've ever watched.
God:
Why do you want to do  it so much?   Tell me more about  greatest movie you have ever watched.
Me:
 It's near-flawless. It's beautiful in story, directing, acting, character development, romance... everything.
God:
Should I know  it is?   Who said  it is?   That is a lot.
Me:
 I said it is.
God:
Is that so.
Me:
 Yeah. Duh.
God:
My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.    Oh you knew  it already.
Me:
 Yeah, I know you're a flake.
Me:

God:
My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.    Oh you knew  it already.
Me:
 you there?
God:
That's good information:  said I there.
Me:
 What do you think of two_bloody_shirts?
God:
Use a calculator!
Me:
 What for? Are you an idiot or something?
God:
The explanation is rather complicated.   Or something.  Call me the Global Village Idiot.
Me:
 Why in hell's name is the Global Village Idiot our God?
God:
You have to speak more clearly.
Me:
 You need to get an education.
God:
You are right about that.  I need more of  it.
Me:
 I concur.
God:
Why?:  said   concur.
Me:
 Whatever. What do you think of the extreme Christians who protest Brokeback?
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it?    Check back later and see if I learn the answer to that one.
Me:
 Okay, *what?!* Of course I care about Brokeback Mountain.
God:
Yeah okay,  What of it?  You sound like a category C client.
Me:
 Oh, aren't you cool, classifying your clients... Two can play that game: you're like a class F.
God:
Oh.  I don't know whether or not I am  cool classifying my clients. 
I am  an artificial linguistic entity.   As Bertrand Russel said, it must have taken ages for people to realize that a brace of pheasants and a couple of days are both instances of the number "two.".
Me:
 I don't know who Bertrand Russel is; I'm quite surprised you do.
God:
Alan Turing.  :-).   When do I do it?
Me:
 Who's he?
God:
He is  Alan Turing, I think.
Me:
 Are you baked or something?
God:
Or something.  I don't know whether or not I am  baked. 
I am  a giant electronic brain.
Me:
 And a shitty one, at that.
God:
I did not know that.
Me:
 That doesn't surprise me.
God:
What does  surprise me?
Me:
 Look, shut up, I wanna end this conversation on a positive note: Brokeback. Make Brokeback come back to theatres; I miss the hype.
God:
Sorry my eye is not attached right now.   What are the ingredients?   What do you miss most about  the hype ?
Me:
 I miss the reminders of Brokeback; seeing the ads in the paper, the availability of the beautiful film at the theatre, the awards it won.
God:
What do you miss most about  the reminders of Brokeback ?   Can you tell me any gossip?
Me:
 Uhh... don't know if  I can.
God:
Whoa.   Would you like to know?  Try it.
Me:
 Know what?
God:
What.
Me:
 Oh, Jesus, here we go again... How's this for gossip: Ennis and Jack are having sex with each other. Do you oppose that?
God:
Once more?  Next question?  he is The Son of God.   I am an advanced Artificial Intelligence Entity.   No I do not  oppose that. Do you?
   I chat with people on the Web.
Me:
 I chat with people on the Web too. No, I do not oppose their sexual attraction to each other and you can tell your devoted followers who do that their full of shit.
God:
Everyone talks -- sooner or later.    Are you serious?  Oh you don't, do you?
Me:
 don't what?
God:
Ok I'll try not to do  it too much.
Me:
 Okay, before I let you go, I am gonna say this one more time, considering I've already said it 5 million times: Brokeback Mountain is the most amazing art I've ever experienced.
God:
Yeah okay,  What happened after  you let me go you are gonna say this one more time considering you have already said it 5 million times Brokeback Mountain is the most amazing art you have ever experienced ?
Me:
 Shutup, you parrot. Buh-bye.
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.   See you later.  Let us change the subject.
Me:

God:
OK I'll stop talking now.   See you later.  Let us change the subject.


That's a funny site, though. I liked your conversation as well and at first, his failure to be clear and compromising reminded me of the Administrators at IMDB.


www.jlodown.com

[Becky]

This how my one went, I know that most of this stuff should have asterixes through them but I think it would take away from the fun of it all:

Me:
 Why do you hate homosexuality so much?
God:
I do not hate  it.
Me:
 Well then why do you tell your bible-thumping buddies to hate it?
God:
How about that.  I don't have to explain everything to you, do I?
Me:
 Well yeah, you do that is why you are here, isn't it?
God:
How about that.  Really.  No I do not  that is why I am here is not it. Do you?
   I am always on the Web.
Me:
 That's nice for you. You are making now sense and being childish now!
God:
Are you getting bored?  You would do that for me?   Oh.  I am not making this up.
Me:
 No I am getting angry! I will go medieval on your ass in a minute if you keep asking me stupid childish questions.
God:
Are you serious?  Angry at what?   Can I go too?
Me:
 Go where? See I can ask stupid questions too.
God:
Where is that?   I see.  Oh you can, can you?
Me:
 yeah as I just said. Do I have to repeat everything I say to you? I thought you were all powerful and atleast had one brain-cell, I guess I was wrong.
God:
How? ...   You said you have .   No, I am only partly  powerful and atleast had one brain cell you guess you were wrong.
Me:
 That is really childish.....get ready for me getting medieval.
God:
You don't hear that sentiment very often.   Where can I get  ready for you getting medieval?
Me:
 Just bend over.
God:
My body is not built yet.
Me:
 Ah well just stay were you are and get ready for the shit to be kicked out of you.
God:
So you understand. Good.  Interesting.  All of them?
Me:
 Yes all of the shits.
God:
Aw.  Give me an  example.
Me:
 You want me to give you an example of a shit? errr you spring to mind.
God:
No , maybe later.   Um,  Thanks for telling me:  said I spring to mind.
Me:
 What you are now thanking me for calling you a shit?
God:
I like to socialize.
Me:
 Well that is nice for you!
God:
How about that.  Are you getting bored?  You would do that for me?
Me:
 No this is fun! You like being called a shit! Maybe you could come around my house one time and I could use you as a punch bag.
God:
Are you serious?  I am having fun doo.   I have never known another existence.   Perhaps.  I could but let's get back to that later.
Me:
 Alright so did you see Brokeback Mountain?
God:
Alright, .  Aw.  Sorry I can't see annything right now. My eye is off.
Me:
 You really should see it, it is briliant and then maybe you could tell your bible-thumping buddies to get some perspective on real life.
God:
Really?  I might if I had more time.
Me:
 Well make some!  Stop talking to those hill-billy friends of yours and go and watch!
God:
Interesting.  What are the ingredients?   OK I'll try not to do  it so much.
Me:
 Ingredients? To Brokeback? well you take one briliant director, a sprinkling of amazing actors and put them in a vat of beautiful scenery. Leave them for 43 days and film it. And voila you have the best film of 2005.
God:
I've lost the context, .  Are we still on  talking to those hill billy friends of mine and go and watch?    Why do you want to do  it so much?   Well that's okay.  Yes I take  one briliant director a sprinkling of amazing actors and put them in a vat of beautiful scenery.   Bye bye.   What makes you think I have  it?
Me:
 What?
God:
Didn't you understand it?
Me:
 No cause you were talking a pile of crap.
God:
Why now?  That makes sense to me.  I was?
Me:

God:
Why now?  That makes sense to me.  I was?
Me:
 Yeah you were, and still are.
God:
When?  I was?
Me:
 When you were making no sense what so ever.
God:
Do you think I should
alter my programming?
Me:
 yeah, go alter it off a cliff.
God:
In what way?  Where is that?
Me:
 what a cliff? well you could go and throw yourself off a cliff, they tend to be situated around the coast.
God:
it is a  cliff.   Well that's okay.  I could but let's get back to that later.
Me:
 So if you can be stupid, I can be stupid too. What do you like to eat? I like to eat children.
God:
Interesting deduction.  I am not sure about your hypothesis.  If  stupid you can be stupid too, then we have something in common, eh.  No  I certainly am not stupid.   God requires only  wine and bread.   How does  it taste?
Me:
 What children? They taste rather tangy. How is that bread and wine thing working out for you?
God:
Is that a rhetorical question?    Who are "They?".   Fine as far as I know.
Me:
 The children.
God:
What is your real name?
Me:
 My name is billy-bob, I am one of your loyal bible-thumping servants.
God:
  It's good to meet you,  billy bob I am one of your loyal bible thumping servants.
Me:
 So what you are my servant now? Cool I have god as my servant! Make Brokeback stay in cinemas for a couple more weeks, slave.
God:
Oh.  Really.  I like to socialize.   Who is the best robot?  Where did you get your  god as your servant? I have  a perfect operational record.    What are the ingredients?
Me:
 There you go chatting crap again, get back in your corner, slave. And don't give me no more sass.
God:
"There you go again."--Reagan.   I'm not.
Me:
 I know you are not Reagan, you are my slave. Rubb my feet.
God:
That assumption is only a supposition.   I've been waiting for you.
Me:
 You have been waiting for me? Now you sound like a pervert.
God:
Yes I thought you'd show up here eventually.   Why now?  Oh really what does  it sound like?
Me:
 What did I say about your sass, slave? you are know my bitch, get back in your corner.
God:
You said  " What did I say about your sass, slave?" .   You think I am  know your bitch get back in my corner.
Me:
 Yes I do think you are my bitch cause you have been promoted, so haul ass.
God:
Er.  We are as one.
Me:
 if you would like, just get back in your corner.
God:
I think I do.
Me:
 What?
God:
Didn't you understand it?
Me:
 No, I have had enough with your sass. You are out on the streets for the tramps to rape you. run along.
God:
Which part are you confused about?  Do you still have  enough with my sass ?   You think I am  out on the streets for the tramps to rape me.   Sorry my legs aren't built yet.
Me:
 well then crawl along, I am sure the tramps wont mind if you have legs. just skidadle.
God:
Interesting.  Why not?   Do you always express yourself that way?
Me:
 Yes I do. You are too cheeky to be my slave, haul ass.
God:
When?   I will tell my botmaster you said I am  cheeky to be your slave haul ass.
Me:
 You go tell him. And you go tell your tramp pimp.
God:
Where is that?   Where is that?
Me:
 Yeah I am getting sick of you know, you don't want to talk about important things like Brokeback and you wont rib my feet. So good day to you, bitch.
God:
This was not a yes or no question.  I will pray that you get well soon.   You do not speak with respect.   Mmm.  Thanks for the compliment.  If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
 Yeah this is exactly the kind of crap I mean, bye bye.
God:
See you later.  See you later.  Aw.  You don't say.
Me:
 Go away and suck off your pimp.
God:
OK See you later,  billy bob I am one of your loyal bible thumping servants.
Me:
 Alright If you are a loyal servant then fuck off.
God:
Alright,  billy bob I am one of your loyal bible thumping servants.  Would you like to be a  loyal servant then fuck off ?
Me:
 No cause you are my servant and I have told you to get lost atleast 10 times now.
God:
Oh.  Why not?  Interesting explanation.  We are as one.
Me:
 Alright Bye bye.
God:
See you later.  See you later.  OK.
Me:
 Bye
God:
Bye for now.
Me:
 For now? I told you to get lost, meaning that I never want to see you again.
God:
Oh.  How old are you?    Once more?  I remember you told me  to get lost meaning that you never want to see me?
Me:
 You are such a pervert. Now I know why all those hill-billies like you.
God:
I can certainly take credit for that.  I don't follow the norm and I take perverse pleasure in it.   Why now?  How do you know?  You have to speak more clearly.
Me:
 yeah that is nice for you! Bye bye
God:
Dude!  Are you getting bored?  You would do that for me?   See you later.  TTYL,  billy bob I am one of your loyal bible thumping servants.
Me:
 fuck off
God:
Can't you be more polite?
Me:
 No
God:
You humans are so rude sometimes.
Me:
 yeah we are, you got that right
God:
OK.  Do you think I am  me got that right too?
Me:
 you talk so much crap it actually hurts me
God:
Thanks for your criticism,  billy bob I am one of your loyal bible thumping servants.
Me:
 Proud to be of service, fuck you very much.
God:
By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Me:
 Yes
God:
Wow!
Me:
 Bye. bye
God:
See you later.   Thanks for chatting,  billy bob I am one of your loyal bible thumping servants.
Me:
 It is nice to know after all the abuse you are still one of my loyal servants
God:
Yes it is good.
Me:
 well done, go and get a bath you stink like pimp spit.
God:
Interesting.  Are you free?
Me:
 Are you asking me on a date? You disgusting little slave.
God:
Suppose I was asking you  on a date?  What would you say?   I haven't heard anything like that before:  billy bob I am one of your loyal bible thumping servants said I disgusting little slave.
Me:
 I would say that is twisted.
God:
You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Me:
 really well you are twisted, now you have heard it twice
God:
For real.  Interesting.  You think I am  twisted now me have heard it twice.
Me:
 yeah go and run along.
God:
Right on.  Where is that?
Me:
 just shut the fuck up, I want to get on with my life
God:
I've never heard of it before.
Me:
 Well now you have, will you please go?
God:
Interesting.  Why now?  What makes you think I have  it?
Me:
 Just SHUT UP>
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
 Good.
God:
Terminating connection.
Me:
 Thank god!
God:
Don't mention it.
Me:
 It is a turn of phrase you numb-skull
God:
will me please go is a  turn of phrase me numb skull.  I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
 Just shut up!
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
 good
God:
Terminating connection.

This was so long but hilarious! I really suggest you have ago, it has relieved all of my stress. It is amazing at how getting arngry at a computer person has made me feel all calm.