Author Topic: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games  (Read 11886 times)

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #40 on: December 17, 2006, 02:22:18 am »
LIFE LESSONS FROM A SNOWMAN
 


* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

* Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

* Wearing white is always appropriate.

* Winter is the best of the four seasons.

* It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

* There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

* The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

* It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

* We're all made up of mostly water.

* You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

* Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

* Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

* It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

* It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

* Always put your best foot forward.

* There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.




Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #41 on: December 17, 2006, 02:49:28 am »
Santa Stats  



There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #42 on: December 17, 2006, 02:53:44 am »
I understand we have quite a few medical personel as members here, you should all enjoy this one.  From Kindred Jester: Patty Wooten RN
                   
Case Report: 
Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's  Syndrome

Source:   North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1997
 Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past. He has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies).

Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any
relatives.


Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80 vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights. He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through the day, and worsened by stress. He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence. Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses
profound unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-image problems stemming from his obesity. The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if
not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are "naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.


Treatment and Counseling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".

Conclusions:
Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms, should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere depend on effective management of these syndromes.


Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline David In Indy

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #43 on: December 17, 2006, 03:53:33 am »
Santa Stats  



There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

Yeah, I posted something about this in another thread Dottie. It's pretty funny.   :D


http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php?topic=6862.0

Thanks again for posting these!  :D
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #44 on: December 18, 2006, 02:25:14 pm »
Santa's Reindeer.


According to the Alaska Department of Fish andGame, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,from Rudolph to Blitzen........had to be a girl. We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline David In Indy

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #45 on: December 18, 2006, 09:19:54 pm »
Santa's Reindeer.


According to the Alaska Department of Fish andGame, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,from Rudolph to Blitzen........had to be a girl. We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.


LOL

Well, women and a few gay men probably.

Not me though. I get lost in parking lots.
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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #46 on: December 18, 2006, 10:59:54 pm »
Oh David  :laugh:  You never fail to make me smile! Let's see if I can return the favor;

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.


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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #47 on: December 24, 2006, 03:23:03 am »
Dog lover that I am this one really appeals to me

CHRISTMAS DOG
By Shel Silverstein

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.
       
What's that now---footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard---
And a big sack for robbin' the house?

I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.

Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've guarded the tree.

Life is not a dress rehearsal

Dre

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Dottie Xmas
« Reply #48 on: December 24, 2006, 07:16:05 pm »
When we think of BBM Xmas we think of You >> Dottie!!  That Dawg Xmas story is fun.  :laugh:

Season's
Greetings

 

Offline Ellemeno

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Re: Holiday Puzzlers, Jokes and Games
« Reply #49 on: December 27, 2006, 06:11:59 pm »
The Heroes of Christmas

?twas the night before Christmas and all through Wyoming
Ennis del Mar was driving, although it was snowing.
The foreman had called, said, ?We need you here now.?
He hadn?t known that the streets weren?t plowed.

But the jolly old elf was desperate that night
And needed del Mar to help him take flight.
The reindeer were birthing, the wrong time of year
To be short of stock with Christmas so near.

The girls were nestled, all snug in their beds
As Ennis had kissed the tops of their heads.
Alma had grimaced over his leaving.
?Why you?? she had protested, not quite believing.

??cause I know my trade when it comes to the stock
That Santa Claus needs to keep up with the clock.?
So Ennis drove on with a devil-may-care
Attitude in his driving, intent on being there.

Far off in Childress, a blue-shirted man
Had just settled down to eat beans from a can
The memory of which brought a tear to his eye
As he thought of old Brokeback, with three years gone by

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
He jumped off the couch to see what was the matter.
An ancient blue truck had pulled up to his house
And out sprang his Ennis. ?Are you a man, or a mouse?

There?s an old man in red needs our help right away.
We must leave this minute, I?ll brook no delay.?
Jack?s jaw hung open, ?cause he was too stunned
To say much of anything, ?cept, ?Gotta go, hon!?

So northward they drove to the aid of St. Nick
Through the snow falling faster, now several feet thick.
To the stables they raced once the place was in sight
There Mrs. Claus stood, her face pale with fright.

?Thank goodness you?re here. We?re all in a tizzy.
The fawning?s been keeping the elves far too busy
To take time away to finish the toys
And load up the sleigh, so hurry in, boys.?

They found Mr. Kringle inside the first stall
Leaning back, looking tired, his head on the wall.
?We?ll take it from here, sir. I?ve brought Jack Twist
And several Basque herders, who?ll make sure none are missed.

They?re the best in the biz when it comes to the care
Of small frightened creatures who run here and there.?
?But how will the sleigh fly without my reindeer?
There?s no other animal with as keen of an ear.?

But Ennis was ready for this question, too.
He waved to his truck. ?Do you think this?ll do??
The Basques were unloading his trailer behind
And out stepped Cigar Butt, with his gait so fine.

This surprising occurrence made Santa Claus smile.
?Ennis, my son, you drove many miles
To save Christmas Eve for the kids of the world.?
He cleared his throat, then a parchment unfurled

And, standing up tall, he beamed as he read
From the crispy new paper. ?Hear this,? he said.
?I declare Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist to be
The heroes of Christmas. Signed, Joe Aguirre.?

They gaped at the red-suited man in the room
As he took off his mask. No glower of doom
On that face so familiar, the one they had hated.
They now knew the truth, unanticipated.

Gawwwwwllllyyyyy, Barbara!  Wow.  Wow.  Wow.  Hug.  :)