Would you have lasted 20 years?

[2robots4u]

This has been a great thread, and I'm glad that I could share your personal lives.  But it's been a while since anyone posted, so let me tell mine, and hopefully we can revive this thread.

Twenty years is a long time, even for the most happiest of partners.  I was on the way to accomplishing the Jack-Ennis thing, but sadly....

I met Tom in a public place in 1972 and invited him to my house.  An intense relationship developed almost immediately, and we saw each other 3-4 night a week for about 2 months.  He was an Air Force Reservist, and prone to often and long trips away from home.  We never committed to each other exclusively, so I could not feel hurt when he came back to town and told of other men he had met; of course, I was doing the same, but I still loved Tom and he said he loved me.  In 1976 he was reassigned to San Antonio, TX; Houston was close enought, so I requested a transfer with my company.  That was a disaster...every time I called to arrange a weekend, he was gone, and when he called me, I was not available.  But in a 3-year period we did manage 4 or 5 visits.  In 1979 he moved to Washington, D.C. and withing 3 months called and asked me to come visit as he would be going to Spain for an indefinite period.  I did, and lived in his house for several months (I got a job so I wasn't sponging).  When he came back, I had already moved to my own apartment, and we saw each other often, when to dinner, dancing at the bars, social gatherings with his friends (mine were never good enough for him).  Finally in 1983 he disappeared.  I knew he had to fly to Spain on an air-evacuation job, but I never heard from him again.  When I called his parents they acted like they didn't know me (I knew they hated me) and would not give any info.  Several weeks later I ran into a very close friend of Tom and he told me there had been a plane crash with no survivors.  I mourned his death as a friend would, not as a lover, moved back to California and went on with my life.  I remember him on certain occasiones, or when my mind wanders back to other times, but never with profound sadness because he was a friend of mine, and I believe he would have wanted it no other way.

As for an answer to the original question...I don't think I could have gone on with it very much longer.  It was a frustrating situation, demanding of time and energy, and in the end, not the satisfaction I would have wanted.  Had he lived, things might have been different, but that's something I could not have know.

[moremojo]

Thanks for sharing your story, 2robots4u. I am sorry about the tragic loss of your friend, and even though you mourn him as a friend more than as a lover, friendships are still valuable relationships. You state that you "believe he would have wanted it no other way"--that makes me think of the line in Annie's story, following Ennis's "Jack, I swear", in which we are told that "Jack never asked him to swear anything, and was not himself the swearing kind" (paraphrasing from memory); this suggests that maybe Jack would not have wished Ennis to mourn profoundly over him, though that is what Ennis ended up doing.

I have a situation with a friend (with whom I shared occasional physical intimacy, though we were never committed lovers), who moved away, had a falling out, and then patched up the friendship, only to find one day that his phone number was disconnected. My friend is bipolar, and had often hinted that he was at high risk for suicide. He is a very special person in my life, but it is also very challenging to relate to him, and sometimes more work than fun. I have considered doing a little detective work of my own to see if I could track him down or find something about him, but I'm afraid of perhaps hearing that he is no longer on this earth. Can I handle hearing that? We lost touch long before Brokeback Mountain came out, and I wonder how he might respond/have responded to this film and story so dear to my heart. There's a little gap in my life-story that his disappearance has caused, and I know it can only be filled by finding out his whereabouts or latest history. But I wait, not sure of my own strength...

Scott

[Momof2]

I was in love with a guy in High School.  My best friend actually liked him but he was not interested.  He wanted to date me.  After much soul searching I agreed.  He was amazing.  Loving, attentive, all of most wonderful qualities.  We had an unbelievable physical attraction also.  We dated on and off for a few years.  Even when we were "with" other people we would meet up.  It was always wonderful.  We graduated and I went off to college.  I did not see him much but man, every time I did that love would just overpower me.  Then out of the blew one day, I saw him at a hospital near where we grew up.  His father was there and was dying of cancer.  I was there with my father-in-law.  This was 11 years after we had graduated.  Man, that connection was still there.  If I were not married I would have tried to rekindle that love.  I could tell it was still there for him.  The wierd thing is that he knows my husband.  My husband knows about our connection and it has never botherd him.  

His daddy died and I went to the funeral.  Not a smart thing to do.  I was already extremely emotional and so was he.  We talked for a long time remembering the good times we had.  He told me that he had loved me unbelievably then and that he thought about me all of the time.  I told him pretty much the same thing.  He said he wished we would have made it work then.  We both realized that we did still love each other but nothing would ever come of it because I was married and love my husband beyond words.

He married a year or so later.  We see them every now and then.  That connection is still there.  He told me he had told her about me and she knew about our love.  When he first saw my little girl, his eyes filled with tears.  My husband just looked at both of us.  It was a little awkward.  When I saw his little girl for the first time, the same reaction.  I could see him in her.  He invited us to eat and him and my husband made plans to get together.  He sees my sister alot and always ask about me and I do the same.  I think it is possible to hold on to something for that long.  My situation is different than J&E but I know that a love can last that long.  The passion is not acted upon of course, but the longing to be with that person is still the same.  I guess that really sounds bad.  Now I am sad.  It is wierd, because I do dream about him alot.  It is not the person he is now, but the person he was when we were 16 and 17.  I guess because that is when our love and passion were so new and strong.  

[Lumière]

Wow, quite some intense stories here guys!

Would I have lasted 20 years?  I don't think so.  I tend to love too intensely.  It tends to consume me heavily and I don't think I could last 20 years in that situation.  I am at a point in my life now, where I am learning to love with detachment (if that makes any sense..)  , learning to love and carry on at the same time .. well, I am working on it. 

Great thread!

[Phillip Dampier]

I suppose part of the answer to this question has to relate to the time, the culture, and one's personal strength.

I can say a lot has changed in this society just since the 1980s when it comes to sexuality issues.  I can't even imagine what it was like in the 1960s and early 1970s.  Plop yourself in the mountain states (where George Bush still has an approval rating greater than 50%) or rural Texas, and living the life of an emotionally open Oprah or wandering up and down a Christopher Street is just not a possibility.

We can feel the "ignorance" of Jack and Ennis throughout the entire film.  Jack doesn't completely understand himself either, but his idea of happiness is what works for him and the rest of the world be damned.  But even he is not going to slap a pink triangle on the back of his truck, that's for certain.

This makes their situation especially hard to translate into 2006 society.  We have many more options available to us today, and there has been a definite trend in society to tell people they do not have to live as "victims" of unhappy circumstances any longer.  So I think most people would have told Ennis to drop dead at least by the time of the post-divorce encounter.  Hell, that's a Made for Lifetime movie waiting to be made - right down to that B list actress  telling the man "we're through!" followed by audiences cheering "you go girl!"

On a practical level, life is short and I would never recommend anyone sit around and wait forever for someone too haunted by circumstance, their own personal demons, or just plain selfishness, to come around.  The very fact one cannot have that person often makes those desires even stronger.  I have, in my own life, told people who just could not meet by minimum requirements for commitment "goodbye."  I will always have the prior memories and good experiences there, but I also knew that there was no way I was going to settle for someone that couldn't even handle the basics.  In my case, navigating through bad experiences helped me learn enough in finding a better experience, and I've been in a relationship that will celebrate 20 years in January.

One big lesson this film did seem to send to those Ennis types out there is that one can't afford to keep missing opportunities.  The time for change is now, and doing nothing can put you on the same path as the characters, leading to a lifetime spent largely apart.  Taking a chance and moving beyond your fears can lead to success.

[Rayn]

Yes, I would have.

[Momof2]

I now know I would have lasted that long.  I had a dream about them last night.  First time I have ever had a dream about them.  I think about them constantly but never dreams.  It seemed so real.  When I woke up I wanted to go back to sleep to be with them again. 

I used to dream about my sister that died alot.  Not so much anymore.  When I do, it is like she is still alive. Even after I wake up, I have to remind myself that she is gone.  Thank God for dreams.   

Their love was so unusual and strong and I think anyone that expreriences just a taste of it would hold on. 

[Noviani]

I would have lasted 20 years, if i felt that he was the love of my life.

off course with endless effort to get the person stay with me permanently like jack did, but i guess more often.

[Kd5000]

No.  I think that person would always occupy a warm and fuzzy place in my heart, but eventually it would just become too unbearable. A few weeks a year wouldn't cut it after 5 years at the most.   I'm not the needy type, but I'd like the person to be there to share the triumphs and tragedies of our lives.

If the question was, do you think it's plausible that Jack and Ennis would still be getting together and have strong feelings for each other over a 20 year time period, I would say most definately.  They were in a unique situation, had forged a relationship as teenagers (well 19 is still a teenager), Jack dreamed that eventually Ennis would give in and Ennis loved Jack to much to ever verbalized "Jack I can't give you what you want, a life together, maybe you should  ..."

[Arad-3]

I believe that it would of been too unbearable for me to last twenty years waiting and waiting .  When I'm in love I need to see them all the time. Time and things around me are out of whack if they are not part of it.   I once had an affair with a married man.  Years back.  It almost killed me when he went home to his wife. The thoughts of him sleeping with her at night kept me up all night long.    The only time I could sleep was when I knew he was out of that bed and out of that house at work.    I know that's pretty sick.  I have paid royally for that mistake believe me.  I still pray 15 years later that God will forgive me for being so selfish.

Bottom line is this. I have grown allot since then.  And I would never go through that again for a million dollars. I still feel a pang in my heart when I hear his name. But life is so short and way too precious to live so many days so unhappy and tortured. You can't buy that time back.   If they are not available at the time you meet them. chances are they wont be at the time you need  them either. So my new motto now is..."either shit or get off the pot!"

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.