For those of you who remember my momentary relapse with a particular obsession from the original PT board, and my supposed defeat of that obsession, it has returned.... more strongly than ever.
I'm not certain what I'm supposed to do. I mean, this is rediculous. I can't live out the rest of my life pining excessively for a person who will probably never even realize that I exist. I was told by a spiritual advisor to share my feelings with my friends, and you all are probably the closest resemblance to that that I have right now. I have shared more with you than I have anyone else and I am extremely grateful for your already great support and loving kindnesses.
So anyway, here goes. I am going to share my feelings, completely, irrevocably, without holding back anything, so that you all might understand me and hopefully offer healing words of advice. The traditional words of wisdom of the Beatles "Let it be." isn't exactly working right now, and I have done everything that was originally suggested: maintained a physically active lifestyle, eaten more fruits and vegetables, staying away from artificial foods with preservatives and sweeteners, and while this has helped me feel physically better, I am emotionally, mentally, and spiritually reeling.
Anyway, here are my feelings, and they are all centered on a particular person (whom I do not even know personally but feel like I do for some reason).
This is probably going to get a little poetic, but please don't consider the words as poetry, I'm trying to say something here.
If you could enter my being, the first thing that you would become aware of would be an intensely beautiful, ecstatic pain in the chest region. It feels almost like your lungs have collapsed so that every breath you breathe in is like a little piece of heaven. Breathing out is excessively painful in a sickening way.
From time to time, tingling courses down the arms and legs, shooting to the toes and fingertips. This tingling is not painful, but somewhere on the border of ecstatic and uncomfortable.
Now, that is the normal state of affairs, without any particular thinking or course of emotional expectation. You can imagine the experiences and feelings I go through when I think about a particular person: Jake Gyllenhaal. Even typing his name causes my body to melt. It is an indefinable experience, but it is as though every muscle in the body relaxes but remains at a state of high alertness. This experience generates a body-length ache that is eased sometimes by walking and moving about, but ultimately such movement is floating in a cloud of pain.
So, generally, a burning, tingling, ache defines my daily existance. Focusing upon the cause of these sensations: his image, his voice enhances the experience 100-fold. The pain becomes sharp and stabbing. And believe me when I tell you that I have no interest in being stabbed in the heart, because I think I know what it will feel like (at least in the few seconds before it stops working completely). The experience of euphoric ecstasy is also enhanced 100-fold. So I stand here, thinking about a particular person, breathing in heaven and breathing out hell.
The sad thing is, there is a part of me that is enjoying this experience. There is also a part of me that seems to think this experience is abnormal, unnecessary, and unwanted. For one thing, the experience of pain is keeping me from many things I want to do, despite how enjoyable it is.
And so the mind creates the object of obsession. Hallucinations, dreams, nightmares, false memories all centering upon you-know-who. Pretense of being with him eases a great deal of the pain and pressure within the chest. Seeing his image physically allows somewhat normal breathing though the pain is still present.
In other words, I'm a complete mess, and I probably need help. I'm loathe to seek psychiatric assistance because I do not like the drugs they give me. They numb the mind and only partially work on the pain. And besides, ultimately, I think the pain has meaning. There is something going on within the self that is trying to resolve, and I want very much for that resolution to occur.
