Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding

1. On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.

2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.

3. It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.

4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it's all carbs.

5. It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.

6. During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.

7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.

8. The father of the Bottom pays for everything!

[dot-matrix]

Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer 1962

WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y

WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y

WEEK FIVE
Fresh fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astroglide

WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco

[dot-matrix]

A tall man is in the mens room using the facilities. A short guy, about knee high, comes in and pulls up a stool, and starts taking a pee too. The tall guy keeps looking over his shoulder. The little guy says, "What the hell are you looking at?" and the tall guy replies, "Well, for you being such a short little guy, you have an awfully big pecker on you!"

"Well," says the short guy, "Of course I do. I am a leprechaun, and I can have anything I wish for!"

"A leprechaun, you say? Does that mean you can give me any thing I wish for?!" asks the tall man.

"Well, yes, but I am a gay leprechaun, so I'll want a favor in return," says the short guy.

After thinking, the tall guy says, "Alright then. I want a million dollars, a brand new mansion, and 2 brand new Porsches!"

"Fine!" says the short guy, "its all yours! But first I want you to pull your pants down, bend over and grab your ankles!"

So, the guy does it, and the short guy climbs back up on the stool, and really gives it to him! The guy is just moaning. The short guy says, "So tell me, What is your name?" The tall guy moans, and stomping his feet, he says, "My name is Bruce....."

"Bruce? How old are you?" asks the short guy.

Stomping his feet even harder, he moans, "I'm 32!"

The short guy says, "Bruce? You're 32 and you still believe in Leprechauns?!"

[dot-matrix]

last one for tonight 

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.

"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.

"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."

[David In Indy]

  

Come on Kerry! Get in on this! Dottie is on a roll! 

[David In Indy]

[Kerry]

I love your super posts, Dottie!    Don't stop!   

9 Things I Hate About People!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, pal. Where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3.  When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say, "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?" No, loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, numnut?

[Kerry]

Have you ever wondered what those gorgeous super stars look like first thing in the morning? They look like this:

Cameron Diaz


Eva Longoria


Jenifer Lopez


Jessica Simpson


Kate Moss


Modonna


Paris Hilton

Now that's what I call funny!         

[Kerry]

This may be a little off-topic, though some people will find it funny. Others will find it cute. Personally, I find it somewhat scary. I wouldn't want one of these in the house while I take my afternoon nap. I might wake up with my throat ripped out!

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/03/070321-toygers-photos.html

[Arad-3]

Wow Kerry,  those cats sure do look like little tigers. I think they are quite beautiful although I don't know if I would want one. I think I would be afraid of it too!

It's really funny how plain these major super stars really are without their makeup artist around!  Jennifer Lopez looks like my next door neighbor .. Although after seeing that pic I think the neighbor is better looking.  Cameron Diaz is very plain.   I know a guy who lives in LA and he has been in the same restaurant with her.  He had his little dog with him all dressed up in an outfit and she came over to his table to see the dog. He said she was wearing a baseball hat and no makeup and he hardly recognized her cause she looked very plain.   But he said she was as nice as anybody he has ever met.  I guess she has a little dog that she likes to dress up too. And asked him where he gets his doggy outfits.   Paris Hilton, well, I think she is ugly anyways.  Spoiled  rotten ugly.

Really enjoying yours and Dots posts here. I have to go on the web and find some funny things to post!  I've really been slacking here!