Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

Hi Geri 

Lovely to hear from you. Post away! Everyone is welcome to post their funnies here.

Cheers,

Kerry   

[Kerry]

STRESS

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.







Are you ready to see the photographs of the dolphins?







I was delighted with my own result!







I hope this exercise isn't contributing to elevating your stress levels!






Here are the dolphins!






Won't be long now!






Here they are . . . . . .

[dot-matrix]

Queer Quotes some of these are GREAT...

1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart

2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch

3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
 
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner

5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown

6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater

8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler

9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines

10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families

11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980

12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles

13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977   ignorance is NOT bliss in her case

14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant   stupid stupid woman

15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller

16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter

17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham

18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown

19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel

21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts

22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse

23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton

24. No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. --Author Unknown

25. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain. --Francis Maude

26. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. --Rita Mae Brown

27. 'You could move.' --Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood

[dot-matrix]

This song is to sung to the tune of the Major-General's Song  from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan...all gay men know that tune right  I sang it all the way through and LOVED it!



I Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual
by Justin, of Gay Christian.net

as Justin points out on his site, "Ex-gay" people admit they have what they call ongoing "same gender attraction" (called SGA in the song) but claim they're not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is "being attracted to some one of your own sex.)

I.
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I've no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable

I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I've read 8 books on how to please my wife while I'm caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Chorus:
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!

I wrote a tell-all book about my sordid lifestyle histories
It's been at least a month from my last bathroom break at Mister P's
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual

Chorus:
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!

II.
My father was a weakling and my mother was tyrannical
In lieu of wrestlemania, my interests were botanical
My peer group had a way of undermining my stability
Because I lacked in football any natural ability

Since "gay" and what I felt were in reality antonymous
I took the narrow path to homosexuals anonymous
The counselors determined after listening to my narrative
My brokenness results from having drives that are reparative

Chorus:
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are repar-reparative!

Now, though I hope my obfuscating language doesn't vex you all
I'm told I am a non-gay same-sex tempted homosexual
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual

Chorus:
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!

III.
I'll know I've finally made it when my picture is in Citizen
You'll read my testimony in the Christian mags that it is in
I'll testify to Congress without ever feeling ill-at-ease
When I no longer notice guys with looks like Ryan Phillippe's

When body image means no more and I'm content with tippin' scales
When I've eradicated any ling'ring thoughts of Chippendales
When I can get my ex-gay wife to pick up on my simple hints
And when I father children without need of kitchen implements

Chorus:
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen imple-implements!

For in certain Christian circles, having proof of change is critical
A struggle's not enough when testimonies are political
But still, although I'm dealing with my childhood residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual!

Chorus:
But still, although he's dealing with his childhood residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]

[dot-matrix]

Four older men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

  Ooops 

[dot-matrix]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with asmall sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs thesteps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing a little business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." was her reply

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
 
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY

Busted <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm824JGUS%2526i%253D23%252F23%255F1%255F84%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">[/url]

[Kerry]

I love the "Queer Quotes," Dottie. I've just returned to the office after having lunch with a friend. He gave me a great queer quote from the immortal Bette Davis - "Old-age is no place for sissies." Classic! Love it!   

[dot-matrix]

To Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street

Author Unknown, but with apologies to Dr Seuss

One day I was bored, I had nothing to do,
With nothing to do, you'd be bored. Wouldn't You?
So I sat by my window and feeling so sad,
Thought, "Maybe I'll answer a personal ad"

But nothing delighted me, no little gems
And why doesn't anyone like fats or fems?
So I left my apartment to find someone sweet
And jumped on the subway to Christopher Street

And, once I got down there, I went to a bar.
I don't really drink -- but that's where men are!
I saw guys who were hot, and guys who were not,
I saw guys drinking bourbon, at four bucks a shot

There were men wearing boots and men wearing sandals
Men who were buff and men with love handles
I saw guys wearing suede from their head to their toe
And a couple of queens who had let themselves go!

Then one little jerk just gave me such attitude
That I told this young fellow, "I think that you're rude!
What makes you think that you're such a big deal?"
Then I snapped him three times and I turned on my heel

Out on the street, I looked to and fro
I was looking for love but had nowhere to go
But then from a distance I heard such a roar
Id never heard anything like it before!

Then down the street came the gay pride parade
"With all of these guys I'm just bound to get laid!"
Then a huge cheer thundered up from the crowd
Then the noise of the engines. My God, they were loud!

It was everyone's favorite, the Dykes on the Bikes!!
Then came a new group -- the Bikes on the Dykes!!!
These gals were bigger and these gals were bolder!
They carried their vehicles over their shoulders!

And on top of these bikes that were carried by dykes,
Were men who had recently come from the Spike
They had rings through their noses and rings through their ears
Rings through their toes-es and rings through their rears

But my favorite had only one ring through his ear
And up above that, through his head went a spear!!
And on top of this guy was a man with tattoos
Of animals usually spotted in zoos

He had a tat-two, a tat-three, a tat-four
Had his shoulders been wider he would have had more!
On his chest were his boyfriends from current to ex
They called him the man with the rolodex pecs!

His deltoids were pumped and his lats were so wide
To get down the street he must turn to one side
And next to this guy was a man with great abs
Who works on the weekends all dressed up as Babs

And up on their shoulder were singers in poses
Who sang for us "Everything's Coming Up Roses"
They sang songs that were famous and songs that were rarer
They kicked up their heels just like Chita Rivera!

And they carried these fellows all dressed up as nuns
Who lifted their habits and showed us their buns!
And up on the nuns, at least twelve stories high
Was a mountain of men rising into the sky

First there were "chubbies" the guys who were fat
Balancing "chasers" who like them like that
There were gays from the Bronx, Staten Island and Queens
Gays from the Army and from the Marines

I saw gays from Hawaii and gays from Formosa
I saw gays from Australia and gays who lived closer
And way up in the clouds was an army of Greeks
Who are often drawn naked upon their antiques

There were dozens of daddies, the bottoms and tops
And hundreds of owners of novelty shops
And the daddies wore leather! One guy was a WOW

I even saw one fellow wearing a cow

And speaking of animals, who would have thunk
I saw Horton who sported a ring through his trunk!
And Horton held hands with that nasty Old Grinch
(Well, you'd be mean too if you had only an inch!)

And on top of them all was the Cat in the Hat
Smooching in public with Felix the Cat!!
Then all of a sudden the traffic was backed up
'Cause down on the pavement sat marchers from ACT UP!!!

Then suddenly somebody called out my name
His voice was more macho than Lucy's in Mame
It was Bruno who played on the old football team
I knew him in high school! This guy was my dream!

I told him, "Oh Bruno, I am quite in shock.
In high school I always thought you as jock!"
And Bruno just smiled as he took off his shirt
And he said "Mary, please!" as he dished out the dirt

"You ain't seen nothing. Just wait till you hear!
I'm not the only one from our school who is queer
Remember Al Levy? Remember Bill James?
They're both on my team, cause we're in the Gay Games!

Remember Joe Johnson? He was such a geek!
Take a look at him now. He pumps five days a week!
And Marilyn Solkow, the Homecoming Queen,
Recently married a gal named Eileen"

Now it's hard to remember a word that he said
Cause all I could think of was us two in bed
And just when I thought I had no chance at all
He asked for my number and told me he'd call

A year later we're dating! We're really an item
My friends are all jealous. I know how to sight 'em
And I really love Bruno, so hunky and sweet
And to think that I met him on Christopher Street![/size]

[Kerry]

Absolutely precious, Dottie! Love it! 

[dot-matrix]

my co-worker Kevin found this in his e-mail this morning...

You Know You're Gay When...

You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it.
You know how to get back at just about everyone.
Your pets always have great names.
Nobody expects you to change a tire.
You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
You know how to get a waiter's attention.
You only wear polyester when you mean to.
At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle.
You get to choose your family.
You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.
You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.
You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
You know how to "air kiss".
You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having... and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you've been for two weeks.
You know how to dress strategically.
You know when to move out and move on.
You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.
You know which wine to bring.
Sales clerks don't mess with you.
You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
You've just about defeated the accent you were born with.
You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
You have the latest International Male catalog.
You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.