Author Topic: Kerry's Komedy Klub  (Read 1190514 times)

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #360 on: May 11, 2007, 08:19:25 am »
A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?"

The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw *anything!* Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens-"

Suddenly the incredulous cowboy asks, "*Chickens?!*"


 :laugh:       :laugh:       :laugh:       :laugh:       :laugh:       :laugh:

Absolutely hilarious, Dottie! One of your best! I'm laughing out loud here in Sydney, Australia!  :laugh: 

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Offline David In Indy

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #361 on: May 11, 2007, 02:20:42 pm »

I'm not exactly sure if this is funny or not. "Uranus" always makes me laugh; even in a serious, scientific treatise !  :laugh:



I think just about everyone finds it funny, Kerry. Once when a lady was charting my horoscope, she told me "Mars is in Uranus".
 :laugh:  :laugh:

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #362 on: May 12, 2007, 12:31:32 am »
For as long as any one could remember this one old Indian named all the children in the villiage.  So one day a young brave walks up to the old man and asks him;  "Old man how do you name all these children?  How do you come up with the names for so many?   The old man replys:  "Young brave I name these children as the great spirt shows me, If I see snow gently falling I say to that child you shall be called Snow Gently Falling, and if I see a Hawk that flys above I say to that young one you shall be called Hawk That Soars above.  Then the old man looks at the young brave and says, "And you Two Dogs Fucking why do you ask?"
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #363 on: May 12, 2007, 12:36:36 am »
A lady's car broke down in the desert, to her relief an Indian rode past and ask if she’d like a ride to town. He helped her up on the horse, and said hold on. She put her arms around his waist and off they went. Frequently, on the way, the Indian let out a loud Yeeee Haaaww!

When they got to town he dropped her off at the garage, as he rode away he let out another Yeeee Haaaww!

The lady asked the mechanic:   "What’s with the Indian and Yeee Haaaawww?

Mechanic replied, "dunno, what’d you do?"

"Nothing"  she said  "just put my arms around him and held on to the saddle horn."

"Lady"   :o  said the mechanic, "Indians don’t use saddles."  ::)
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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #364 on: May 12, 2007, 12:40:43 am »
COWBOY WISDOM

1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

3. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

5. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

6. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

7. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

8. Don't squat with your spurs on.

9. Always drink upstream from the herd.

10. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #365 on: May 12, 2007, 09:31:12 am »

I think just about everyone finds it funny, Kerry. Once when a lady was charting my horoscope, she told me "Mars is in Uranus".
 :laugh:  :laugh:

Half your luck!  :laugh:   :laugh:   :laugh:
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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #366 on: May 12, 2007, 11:56:08 pm »

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."
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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #367 on: May 13, 2007, 12:05:11 am »

Two gay lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins.

The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," he said.

He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"

The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #368 on: May 13, 2007, 03:49:40 am »

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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #369 on: May 13, 2007, 03:52:53 am »

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
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