Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

This old man in his eighties got up and was
putting on his coat.

His wife says,"Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of
those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on
her coat.

He said," Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that
rusty old thing,  I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

[dot-matrix]

How many Bettermostians does it take to change a lightbulb?


1 to change the light bulb.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and to start it all over again

[dot-matrix]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground, after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and put her head in her hands and said, "Oh God ...... you missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

[David In Indy]

[dot-matrix]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......



A r e --- m y --- t e s t --- r e s u l t s --- b a c k?

[dot-matrix]

The Confession    


Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."


The priest asks, "Is that you, Tom Shaughnessy?"


"Yes, Father, it is.


"And, who was the woman you were with?"


"I'm sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."



Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy , and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tom walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

[dot-matrix]

Mental Health Hotline       


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

[David In Indy]

    

[Kerry]

How many times do I have to tell you, sweetheart, there's no such thing as an undetectable toupee?!  

However, this one comes pretty close!  

[Kerry]

I absolutely adore this pic. It reminds me of Jack & Ennis somehow.    Jack on the right and Ennis on the left.