A personal connection

[Cameron]

I have just realized this and I have been thinking about it all day, so I decided that I will just write about it here.  It is personal, but it also made me find another message of BBM.

I cannot  believe that it took me a month of watching BBM to realize that I had my own sort of platonic version in my life when I was their age.

When I was 20 I got a job a a craft counselor in a summer camp in the mountains (NY that is)  I was going through a lot at that point, I had just broken up with a long time boyfriend and my career and education plans took a sudden detour.

Well at that camp everyone was really rich and snobby, but on the first day I met a girl who was working in the office.  She was 17 but we instantly became best friends.  It started of because of music, (punk and new wave) but we ending up spending all our free time together.  It was never physical, we always talked about boys, but we did spend every minute together possible.  In fact we talked about everything, but my best memory was we would lie on the docks on the lake, and use two headphones and one walkman and just listen to music together for hours. 

I ended up leaving camp early cause well because of about a lot of things, but in September we got together again in the city and for the whole next year we talked for hours on the phone every day and spent every single Saturday together, usually walking around the city.

I moved away after that, and we stayed close for a while but then we just drifted apart.  The last time we got together was about ten years later, we had almost nothing in common except the memories, and I was shocked to find out that the person who I so much time with hanging out in the villiage (Greenwich)  became a right wing republican   .

Anyway I guess the point is when I look back on it, it was like Ennis and Jack, even though there never was anything physical, it was just so intense for that year.

Unfortunately I have been very much like Ennis the past few years, (a loner)  so one of the things BBM has taught me is that I must make connections with people.

But what I am wondering is, is that type of true connection only possible when you are 19 and 20 before the real world really sets in? or is it still possible later?

And it terms of BBM I realized that they do in fact spend the whole time trying to recreate what they had that magical summer.  At first it worked (the reunion) but then it got harder and harder to.  And is that the true sad thing, that this type of intense connection is only possible at 19, and no matter how much you would like to you cannot have it with the same person, or anyone else ever again?

Is that the true problem with Jack and Ennis, they just were never again 19 on the mountain?

I hope that I am wrong, at least in real life and I hope it is possible to have such a friendship no matter how old you are.

I can't believe I wrote this all and I am shy about posting it, but here goes.

[Katie77]

I think we have all felt like that about a long lost friend, and wondered whether to contact them after a long time....thinking that you will run out of things to talk about and the meeting will become a disaster.

And it is sad......we moved back to this town four years ago...it was the town that my husband grew up in, but left when he was 17 to join the navy.....Because he had family here, we still visited every year for the past 38yrs, but now we have been living here for the past four years, my husband has made many attempts to make contact with old friends, with the view of maybe having an ongoing social thing going, but it hasnt worked, and now he has given up.He's gone and met up with some of his mates, had a few hours talking, which was good, but thats all that has happened, no further contact....he was a little disheartened at first, but got over it.

Its hard to say, whether that was the case between Jack and Ennis, I too, hope that it wasnt like that.....I think they just needed to be together, whether they talked about what they were doing or not, they just needed the contact....after all, it was the only time they could really be themselves, so for that fact alone, they had that in common.

I like to think, that they made their own memories, and that was the type of things they talked about when they got together.

[Front-Ranger]

Thanks for telling me about that experience. I hope you never forget it. My feeling is that these things happen when you're young ("We was just colts then," the Virginian said) but also there needs to be a certain place that serves as the crucible.

Another theory is that there is just one person or at most a few persons out there that "complete us" and this is the theory of some including Harville Hendrix who wrote "How to Get the Love You Want" which is a book that influenced me a lot. The theory is that your mother and father influence you as a child and mold you, which makes you the person you are and creates desires/needs to be with a certain other person.

[Jeff Wrangler]

They just were never again 19 on the mountain again?

That is a beautiful way to put it. That's sure enough part of it! And maybe a part of the tragedy is that all those fishin' trips, years on years, they were trying to be 19 on that mountain again, and you just can't go back again. You just can't. 

[Lynne]

Marlb42,

Thank you for sharing that story here.  It sounds like it was intensely personal for you (and therefore risky), so I commend your courage, first and foremost.

But what I am wondering is, is that type of true connection only possible when you are 19 and 20 before the real world really sets in? or is it still possible later?...Is that the true problem with Jack and Ennis, they just were never again 19 on the mountain?

I firmly believe that the connection IS possible at any age, and since becoming a part of BetterMost I've proved it - I've lived it.

IMO, the trouble (oversimplified) is that what we perceive as 'real life' gets in the way as we age.  There are all these obstacles, both real and imagined and exaggerated, that we allow to daunt us.  Our 19-year-old self would never have allowed it!

One of the things that struck me personally about BBM was the discrepancy between my 19-year-old self and myself 20 years later.  For the most part, I didn't like what I saw - how far removed I'd become from the person I'd always envisioned as me.

It goes without saying that 19-year-old J & E had to make do with what they knew and when they lived.  Our lives are freer from these constraints, if we can be brave.  I truly believe that is one lesson we should take from Brokeback Mountain is to refuse to allow ourselves to be victims of societal norms.

-Lynne

[serious crayons]

Unfortunately I have been very much like Ennis the past few years, (a loner)  so one of the things BBM has taught me is that I must make connections with people.

But what I am wondering is, is that type of true connection only possible when you are 19 and 20 before the real world really sets in? or is it still possible later?

Thanks for sharing this story, marlb. My feeling is that those deep cconnections become less common as people grow older, but only because people become busy with other things: careers, families, mortgages, kids, etc. Older people already have some friends, usually, and don't feel as if they're in the market for more. Those connections are more common among 19-year-olds simply because they're more often placed in situations where they and the people around them are looking to make them -- at summer camp, at college, in new jobs, while traveling, etc.

But I think we never lose the desire or ability to make connections. That's confirmed for me by the many stories that I've heard from people who saw BBM, identified with Ennis, decided they didn't want to live with that feeling of alienation, and made an effort to reach out. There have been many happy results.

I truly believe that is one lesson we should take from Brokeback Mountain is to refuse to allow ourselves to be victims of societal norms.

Good way to put it, Lynne. I think we all need to remind ourselves sometimes not to set our own limits based on what we see others doing, but on what is best for us.

[Shakesthecoffecan]

I have given this matter a lot of thought over the years. A few years ago I was asked be an acquaintance if I had many friends and I responded mostly the people I work with, they were the only ones I had time and opportunity to cultivate a friendship with.

The loss of those young adult friendships, man I really mourn those. There is nothing like them in my book. When you had your whole life before you, away from home for the first time and on your own and bonding with folks, it is like they became your family. Then time passes, you find they do become republicans, have families, buy huge houses and deal with issues as alien as you can imagine. My best friend from those days, I only know anything about him now from the Xmess card his wife sends with their kids on the cover. "We are still alive and together and our kids are growing" it says, once a year, and nothing more. Sad. Really sad.

Now I am amazed at the dept of feeling I attach to the friends I make here, meeting them in real time is such a rush, and luckily we do share much in common, besides love for a story and sexual orientation. I have never really involved myself in the chat room, because it is just too hollow for me, reminds me I am not sitting up at 2 am with old friends in front of me sharing the last of the whine and singing.....

And while I am rambling on, I must also say I am amazed at a wonderful friendship I have cultivated with the 82 year old African American receptionist at my company. We have a wonderful thing in common, amazement at one another's stories. I will never be 19 again, and a lot of it is behind me now, but I am thankful I still have the opportunity to live and learn, and love. And the greatest of these is Love.