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On Caregiving
Front-Ranger:
There is an article out today on the construction of small auxiliary dwelling units for people's aging parents. In all of these articles, I've never seen mention of the investment of time it takes to have an aging parent living with you.
https://www.nextavenue.org/accessory-dwelling-unit-help-aging-parent/?hide_newsletter=true&utm_source=Next+Avenue+Email+Newsletter&utm_campaign=702e0b9a80-01.08.2019_Tuesday_Newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_056a405b5a-702e0b9a80-165235473&mc_cid=702e0b9a80&mc_eid=a194ac8bb9
I think it's very important that people's eyes are opened to the large amount of time a parent will need. There are the big stuff--medical appointments, monitoring pill taking etc.--and the small stuff--fixing the electronics they've broken, entertaining them, etc. Once a parent is living with or near you, they will expect you to be their chauffeur. The middle of the night stuff and the long hours in a waiting room. On top of that, children, siblings and partners are very adept at fading away when the responsibility of caregiving looms. Out of sight, out of mind. :'(
serious crayons:
Actually there are tons of articles on that topic if you look them up via "caregiving" or "family caregiving" (as opposed to the paid professional kind). It's a big issue in journalism about aging. I'm sure NextAvenue has many and I've written a few myself. Caregivers sacrifice time, financial security and emotional well-being.
In one story I wrote, a woman lived with her mother, who had dementia. Because the mother had lived in a small rural town, the woman felt she couldn't move the mother into the city where she herself lived and worked, so they moved to the outskirts of the metro area. The woman had to quit her job in favor of one where she could work remotely but for half the pay, because her mother couldn't be left alone. But if she put her mother in long-term care so she could get a better job, the mother would have to spend down all of her money to qualify for Medicaid. And because they were living in a home with a reverse mortgage, the woman would have been left homeless (and possibly car-less, because her mother owned the car).
Another woman I talked to for that story called me from a homeless shelter. She had quit her job at a convenience store to care for her mother, and when the mother died the woman got evicted.
Front-Ranger:
--- Quote from: serious crayons on January 10, 2019, 09:53:28 am ---Actually there are tons of articles on that topic if you look them up via "caregiving" or "family caregiving" (as opposed to the paid professional kind). It's a big issue in journalism about aging. I'm sure NextAvenue has many and I've written a few myself. Caregivers sacrifice time, financial security and emotional well-being.
--- End quote ---
Are there enough articles that describe the sacrifice in time and well-being? The examples you cite are primarily economic. Caregiving is so intense and so expensive, that most people would choose "family caregiving" over institutional care. But isn't "family caregiving" misnamed for the most part? The vast majority falls to the one person who is willing to take on the job. Others may mean well, but they think their role extends to a 10-minute phone call on Sunday afternoons.
--- Quote from: serious crayons on January 10, 2019, 09:53:28 am ---In one story I wrote, a woman lived with her mother, who had dementia. Because the mother had lived in a small rural town, the woman felt she couldn't move the mother into the city where she herself lived and worked, so they moved to the outskirts of the metro area. The woman had to quit her job in favor of one where she could work remotely but for half the pay, because her mother couldn't be left alone. But if she put her mother in long-term care so she could get a better job, the mother would have to spend down all of her money to qualify for Medicaid. And because they were living in a home with a reverse mortgage, the woman would have been left homeless (and possibly car-less, because her mother owned the car).
--- End quote ---
Maybe some agency or organization is needed to counsel people who are facing these decisions. Here, it seems to me that the answer would have been to sell the house, move the mother into long-term care in the city near where the daughter was living/working, have the mother transfer ownership of the car to the daughter, spend down her money on the care facility and buying other approved items such as burial services, and apply for Medicaid. Then, the daughter would not have to destroy her life and the mother could get the professional, 24/7 care that she needed.
--- Quote from: serious crayons on January 10, 2019, 09:53:28 am ---Another woman I talked to for that story called me from a homeless shelter. She had quit her job at a convenience store to care for her mother, and when the mother died the woman got evicted.
--- End quote ---
Convenience stores always need personnel. . .am I dense or am I right in thinking the daughter could get another job after the mother's death?
The idea of trying to provide in-home care without family or home health aide support, while "working remotely" is a recipe for disaster. It may make sense economically, but there are other considerations than economics. Too many people, most of them women, are being sacrificed needlessly. In many respects, caring for an ailing parent is more difficult than caring for a newborn.
I wonder if it would be helpful for me or someone to write a play-by-play article on life with your aging parent. 6 am: the parent falls out of bed. Etc.
serious crayons:
--- Quote from: Front-Ranger on January 10, 2019, 02:47:29 pm ---Are there enough articles that describe the sacrifice in time and well-being?
--- End quote ---
Yes. I've written some, a colleague who also writes about caregiving has written some -- and that's just at one medium-size newspaper. One source I've often turned to in caregiving stories is a University of Minnesota department head who puts out a newsletter for caregivers. The AARP has a lot of material. I'm sure NextAvenue has a bunch. There are whole websites about it. If you google it I'm sure you'll find plenty. This could get you started: https://www.google.com/search?q=%22family+caregiving%22&rlz=1C1EOIJ_enUS750US778&oq=%22family+caregiving%22&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i65j0l4.8331j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
I can't remember where now, but recently in a conversation we were noting that some caregivers don't even like the parent they're caring for, but do it anyway. Extremely stressful, either way.
--- Quote ---The examples you cite are primarily economic. Caregiving is so intense and so expensive, that most people would choose "family caregiving" over institutional care. But isn't "family caregiving" misnamed for the most part? The vast majority falls to the one person who is willing to take on the job. Others may mean well, but they think their role extends to a 10-minute phone call on Sunday afternoons.
--- End quote ---
Yes, that often happens. Of course, families vary quite a bit, so in some cases the siblings share. More women do caregiving and when men do caregiving for a parent it often involves paying for a service rather than performing one.
--- Quote ---Maybe some agency or organization is needed to counsel people who are facing these decisions.
--- End quote ---
Yes, there are a bunch. I of course didn't realize that when my mother was ailing.
--- Quote ---Here, it seems to me that the answer would have been to sell the house, move the mother into long-term care in the city near where the daughter was living/working, have the mother transfer ownership of the car to the daughter, spend down her money on the care facility and buying other approved items such as burial services, and apply for Medicaid. Then, the daughter would not have to destroy her life and the mother could get the professional, 24/7 care that she needed.
--- End quote ---
They couldn't sell the house because it was on a reverse mortgage. The car was in question because it wasn't clear whether Medicaid patients get to keep their cars (obviously someone knows the answer, but I didn't dig enough to find). Any gifts of money (and maybe cars?) a Medicaid receiver has given to their family members within the past 5 or 7 years (can't remember which, and it may vary by state) must be returned. So the car situation wasn't clear. The house situation was.
--- Quote ---Convenience stores always need personnel. . .am I dense or am I right in thinking the daughter could get another job after the mother's death?
--- End quote ---
She had little kids. I can't remember all the circumstances but daycare is extremely expensive (though I think poor people can get some help with it).
--- Quote ---I wonder if it would be helpful for me or someone to write a play-by-play article on life with your aging parent. 6 am: the parent falls out of bed. Etc.
--- End quote ---
Sure. There's always interest in that subject.
Front-Ranger:
Actor Rob Lowe has written an article on caregivers in USA Today today:
https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/voices/2019/01/13/rob-lowe-caregivers-social-security-self-care-column/2539450002/?fbclid=IwAR28IaXK_yTLujwBqOemBtzyLrgN6Qge_JOJ-PWB6_xtlflwILoUfpIKXe8#
I started looking at what's been written on this subject and found that there are two articles that have appeared in multiple publications and I didn't find much else beyond that. Both of the articles could be improved by giving specific examples taken from life. For instance, I received a phone call in the middle of the night from mother one time just to chat. It turned out that she was suffering from Sundowners' Syndrome, but it took me a while to find that out.
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