Our BetterMost Community > Chez Tremblay
It's back.... with a vengeance.
Daniel:
Not that type of "maze of darkness". I suppose I could have said "maze of light", but I was using darkness figuratively as a lack of knowledge. :)
Daniel:
pain pain pain pain blossoms in the core understanding never what is the purpose of life what is the purpose of love do we understand anything in this world I need but what do I need I love but what do I love blue rich deep yearning pain pain pain pain the existence of man is second nature to his pain but death defies us all and life has no meaning or does it and in the depths of pain what meaning can be found for whom does the heart ache it aches for thee pain pain pain pain some inner desire for meaning pain pain pain pain some inner desire for love pain pain pain pain is it agony or is it flame? And in the depths of darkness wane the light eternal springs again what is that light that it should shine eternally upon these eyes of mine the light of inner soul as soul calls out to soul love light awareness truth inner perfection harm to the heart is not harm the heart is invulnerable it cannot be hurt the soul is eternal all else transient pain is false awareness joy is hope awareness springs from unknown caverns water trickles from eyes soul water from soul life from soul salt earth earth and life from soul solid and energy together create love and life fuel souls knowledge is it agony or is it flame? flame of creation light of possibility extension of the self into an obsessive mindset why? to obsess is to know to obsess is to feel to obsess is to experience why? soul mind heart soul mind heart soul mind heart soul mind heart the heart knows but will not say the soul experiences every day the mind is blind and thats all for now.
ednbarby:
Here's another hug from me, dear Daniel. I understand completely what you're going through, because I went through the same thing after seeing Shakespeare in Love. I was absolutely, over the moon, out of my mind, obsessed with Joseph Fiennes. Like you feel, just writing or typing his name was ecstasy. But it was pain, too. I rented everything he had ever done. I ordered his recording of Romeo and Juliet and listened to it every day in my car for two months, I think it was. I could not get enough of his voice. Looking at photos of him was actually painful. I only put ones up in my office in which he was not looking at the camera, because to look into his eyes dead on was agonizing in a way only you can seem to so beautifully describe. I wrote poetry and fanfic about him. Every song I heard reminded me of him. I played "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel ad nauseum, thinking that it was in his eyes I could see the doorway of a thousand churches. And all the while here I was (and still am) what I consider to be a happily married woman. The only thing, I'm terribly sorry to say, that got me over it was time. And a lot of it. Really, more than that, I think I made myself almost hate him with too much familiarity. I beat my own obsession with him into the ground. Sad thing now is I can't watch anything he's done recently and enjoy it on *any* level.
I think knowing that, and starting to feel that exact same pull for Jake that I felt for him, I pulled back as quickly and resolutely as I could so as not to come to practically hate him someday like I have the other. With Joseph Fiennes, I read every bit of information about him I could get my greedy little hands on. I knew about all his conquests, girlfriends, live-in partners, break-ups. All of it. I watched every interview, every documentary (one has actually been made about the Fiennes family because they are all, with one exception (and ironically enough, his name is Jake and he is Joseph's twin), artists and there are six of them. I literally made myself sick of him.
I don't want to miss out on a thing Jake does artistically, and I know I'll be unable to appreciate any of it fully if I become obsessed with him like that. So I don't read anything about him except what's posted here. I don't Google his name or go to iheartjake to swoon over all his beautiful photos, because I know I would if I did. I know I'm no hero for figuring this out, believe me - it comes only from past experience and the great pain I wrought on myself with it.
By the same token, I don't think you should beat yourself up over the way you feel. Just let it ride. I promise you, it will pass. Eventually. In the meantime, he is your muse and you've constructed some heart-wrenchingly beautiful poetic thoughts because of him. As painful as it is, I know it is also ecstasy. You are alive. This is what being fully alive is for you. When it's finally over for you, and I promise it will be, you may very well find you don't look back on this period as being a dark time in your life, but a time of awakening and growth. JF, as I so often referred to him because it was painful to watch his name appear on my screen, showed me that there was something missing in my life. He filled the void of that missing thing for a while. When he couldn't any longer, I was left having to fill it myself. But that wasn't such a terrible thing. I see him as a ministering angel, as Annie would say - as something that cushioned the blow of the pain in my real life for a while until I was strong enough to bear it alone.
newyearsday:
Daniel, I haven't read all of the thread, and will give more attention to this later, but for now I send you a lot of light. Everyone one who reads this, you can help Daniel by visualizing loving, healing white light infusing his body and being. Just put your hugs into that form, and your wishes for him to feel more at peace. Also, Daniel, check your PMs ASAP.
Jenny
Daniel:
--- Quote from: ednbarby on April 13, 2006, 09:09:02 am ---Here's another hug from me, dear Daniel. I understand completely what you're going through, because I went through the same thing after seeing Shakespeare in Love. I was absolutely, over the moon, out of my mind, obsessed with Joseph Fiennes. Like you feel, just writing or typing his name was ecstasy. But it was pain, too. I rented everything he had ever done. I ordered his recording of Romeo and Juliet and listened to it every day in my car for two months, I think it was. I could not get enough of his voice. Looking at photos of him was actually painful. I only put ones up in my office in which he was not looking at the camera, because to look into his eyes dead on was agonizing in a way only you can seem to so beautifully describe. I wrote poetry and fanfic about him. Every song I heard reminded me of him. I played "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel ad nauseum, thinking that it was in his eyes I could see the doorway of a thousand churches. And all the while here I was (and still am) what I consider to be a happily married woman. The only thing, I'm terribly sorry to say, that got me over it was time. And a lot of it. Really, more than that, I think I made myself almost hate him with too much familiarity. I beat my own obsession with him into the ground. Sad thing now is I can't watch anything he's done recently and enjoy it on *any* level.
I think knowing that, and starting to feel that exact same pull for Jake that I felt for him, I pulled back as quickly and resolutely as I could so as not to come to practically hate him someday like I have the other. With Joseph Fiennes, I read every bit of information about him I could get my greedy little hands on. I knew about all his conquests, girlfriends, live-in partners, break-ups. All of it. I watched every interview, every documentary (one has actually been made about the Fiennes family because they are all, with one exception (and ironically enough, his name is Jake and he is Joseph's twin), artists and there are six of them. I literally made myself sick of him.
I don't want to miss out on a thing Jake does artistically, and I know I'll be unable to appreciate any of it fully if I become obsessed with him like that. So I don't read anything about him except what's posted here. I don't Google his name or go to iheartjake to swoon over all his beautiful photos, because I know I would if I did. I know I'm no hero for figuring this out, believe me - it comes only from past experience and the great pain I wrought on myself with it.
By the same token, I don't think you should beat yourself up over the way you feel. Just let it ride. I promise you, it will pass. Eventually. In the meantime, he is your muse and you've constructed some heart-wrenchingly beautiful poetic thoughts because of him. As painful as it is, I know it is also ecstasy. You are alive. This is what being fully alive is for you. When it's finally over for you, and I promise it will be, you may very well find you don't look back on this period as being a dark time in your life, but a time of awakening and growth. JF, as I so often referred to him because it was painful to watch his name appear on my screen, showed me that there was something missing in my life. He filled the void of that missing thing for a while. When he couldn't any longer, I was left having to fill it myself. But that wasn't such a terrible thing. I see him as a ministering angel, as Annie would say - as something that cushioned the blow of the pain in my real life for a while until I was strong enough to bear it alone.
--- End quote ---
Thank you. I'm beginning to think you're right... I admire your strength in your ability to resist the call of Gyllenhaalism. (Wow, that wasn't too bad, but I was writing it as a philosophy, not as a name, so maybe there's a difference.)
But I am wondering why it came back so suddenly and with so much force. I had gotten over it after about a month the last time, and then this happens and I wonder if I have gotten over it at all. It has been 3 months since I saw Brokeback Mountain but I am beginning to think on some subtle level that it really began long before that, with The Day After Tomorrow. Brokeback Mountain just blew it completely out of proportion with anything real in my life, particularly because I admired the film so much, I think. And then of course its easy to remember Donny Darko which my brother made me watch since he's weird and October Sky which my father made me watch since he's an engineer, but I don't think I had such an emotional response to them at the time I watched them. Most of the emotional depth I am experiencing in regards to those films is in hindsight.
Is it something I've done that caused this obsession to come back? Am I somehow at fault? I try not to think about things like that, but it often comes to me that if I hadn't done *such-n-such* I would not be in the agonizing experience that I am right now. Then I reply to myself, "Yes, that's true. But if I hadn't done *such-n-such* I would be a much lesser person right now."
So wait it out.... ride it out. Ain't no reins on this one.
If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it.
Can I stand it? I can try.
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