Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." Odd . . . 

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gent. The tourist asks: "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'"

The old man says: "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks: "Well, who is the owner?"

"Me," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many years ago when come to this country, was stand in line at document centre. Man in front was big blond Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say "Hans Olaffsen."

Then she look at me and go, "What your name?"

"I say 'Sem Ting.'"

[dot-matrix]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.

A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[dot-matrix]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

[dot-matrix]

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Old Friend sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Old Friend: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: " Is this man your owner?" pointing at Old Friend. Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Old Friend: look of disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Old Friend: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Old Friend. Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Old Friend: total look of amazement

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Old Friend: "Sheep Lie."

[dot-matrix]

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

[David In Indy]

     

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."  

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."