Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

Our lost innocence.

[underdown]

The human bomb !!

[underdown]

Aaaaaagh 

Must get to bed !!!

CYALL

[dot-matrix]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the
local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a
very high class neighbourhood..... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no
restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after
all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings
and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply
cannot do that here, you know. "

"I'm very sorry, officer, " replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find
a public restroom. "

"Ah, yes, " said the bobby... "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall
to a gate, which he opens. "In there, " points the Bobbie. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want. " The fellow
enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary,
fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call
'English Hospitality'? "

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy. "

[underdown]

  funny, we don't call it the Hokey Pokey here in the UK ... it's The Okey Cokey!

 ..... ohhhhhhhhhhh, Okey Cokey Cokey
 ..... ohhhhhhhhhhh, Okey Cokey Cokey
 ..... ohhhhhhhhhhh, Okey Cokey Cokey
 ..... Knees bent arms stretched ra ra ra!

Susie

Blimey, must be a riot in those pubs by closing time! 

(Must think of a pub joke .... 'cept, I don't go to pubs !!)

[Kerry]

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

               

[dot-matrix]

A large well- established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they
were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his
axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. He took one look at
the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take
your axe and cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," he said.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get
the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what
they call it now !!"

[dot-matrix]

Bush's Tragedy 

One day President Bush visited an elementary school. All the
kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to
talk to them and asked them to define the word 'tragedy'.

"Well," one girl replied, If my Mummy ran over my dog, Rover,
That would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie.
That would be an accident. Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said,
"I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off a cliff and killed
everyone."
The President shook his head and said, "No, son. That would
be a great loss. Doesn't anyone know a good example of a
tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if
you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile
and blown to smithereens, most people would think that was
a tragedy !"

"Very good," he said, "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would
not be a great loss !!"

[dot-matrix]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock are sitting in the pub discussing
Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the
reception, the rings, the minister, even my stag night."

Archie nod approvingly.

"Heavens, I 've even bought a kilt to be married in, " says Jock.
"A kilt ?" exclaims Archie. That's braw, you'll look pure smart
in that. And what's the tartan?" Archie enquires.

"Och," says Jock. "I'd imagine she'll be in white !!" 

[dot-matrix]

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5. and 6.

If you are paranoid delusional . . . . . . .