Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Mrs. Smith : Doctor, please can you help me ? I've had twelve
children and I'm pregnant again and I don't want any more kids
after this one. I desperately need a hearing aid.

Doctor : A hearing aid ? What do you want a hearing aid for ?
Surely you want some birth control pills or some form of
contraception ?

Mrs. Smith : No Doctor, I definitely want a hearing aid. You see,
my husband gets drunk every Friday night and comes into
bed and says to me, "Do you want to go to sleep or what ?"

Me, being a bit deaf, I always say "What ?"

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

tsk, tsk, tsk  but when you're right you're right!    hehehe

[dot-matrix]

God called Adam aside one day and said,

“I’ve been pondering the best way to expand on the species of man,
I think procreation is the way to go so before creating a mate for you I
thought I’d give you some options.

How would you like a mate who would slways do as she was
asked to with loving good grace, prepare delicious meals for
you, keep your home in immaculate condition, bear you sons
and daughters and bring them up as offspring that you would
be proud of, and at the same time be always willing to satisfy
your male needs.”


“Wow God,” said Adam “that sounds really great, how much would a mate like that cost?”


“Well,” said God, “that’s one thing about her, she would be expensive, probably an arm and a leg.”


“Gee God” said Adam, “what could I get for a rib?”

[dot-matrix]

John died and went to Heaven.

When he got to the Pearly Gates,Saint Peter told him that new rules
 were in effect due to advances in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must
answer three questions:


1. What two days of the week begin with “T”?

2. How many seconds in a year?

3. What is God’s first name?



John thought for a few minutes and answered:


1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and
Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard.


Saint Peter said, OK, I’ll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though
it’s not the answer I expected. Technically you are correct,
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God’s
first name is Andy or Howard?”

John responded, “Well. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd & so on."

“OK then I give,” said Saint Peter. “But what about God’s first name?”

John said, “Well from the song….Andy walks with me, Andy talks

with me, Andy tells me I am his own…..And then from the prayer….

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….”

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

[Kerry]

tsk, tsk, tsk  but when you're right you're right!    hehehe

Haha! There are a couple of ways of interpreting this cartoon. One can either accept the most obvious message as presented or, alternatively, choose to look deeper. You will notice that the woman on the left is a crucifix-wearing Christian. The chap on the right is also a Christian - he wears the symbol of Christ on his tee-shirt. Therefore, if one accepts that he is a Christian, his "You're half right," response could be interpreted to mean, "Yes, it is true that Jerry Falwell went to Heaven, but he is not really dead because he lives for ever in Paradise with his Lord." The interpretation is up to you haha!     

[Shasta542]

The Recipe

A man is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn, Bob, you're hung!" Ted exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Ted asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow four inches! You should try it."

Ted agrees, and the two say good-bye.

A few months later, the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Ted how his situation is.

Ted replied, "I did what you said, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it Ted, Crisco is shortening!"

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe.

[dot-matrix]

Dumb Horse


A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,

"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"

[dot-matrix]

Catholic School picnic

At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."