Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

(was it YOU ?) 

Cheeky!   

[underdown]

CROC ATTACK



I actually saw this happen, once.

When the culprits had finished off the croc, they started on a poor, helpless sheep; first tearing off its head, then dismembering it over a period of several days before dumping it's mutilated body in the path of an oncoming lawn-mower to be distributed over a large area of grass as fertiliser and turning their attention to a hapless shoe.

And that's TRUE. 

[Katie77]

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
 




Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~

That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fuckin think so.



 
 

[Kerry]

CROC ATTACK

I actually saw this happen, once.

When the culprits had finished off the croc, they started on a poor, helpless sheep; first tearing off its head, then dismembering it over a period of several days before dumping it's mutilated body in the path of an oncoming lawn-mower to be distributed over a large area of grass as fertiliser and turning their attention to a hapless shoe.

And that's TRUE. 

Yetch!     

[Kerry]

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

   Another version of the same fairy tale:

[dot-matrix]

There was a Protestant boys' school alongside a Catholic
boys' school. The boys' toilet in the Protestant school was
blocked up and couldn't be used. So the Principal went to
the Head Brother and asked if the boys could use their
toilet. The Head Brother said, "By all means, you would do
the same for us."

One day, one of the Brothers from the Catholic school was
walking past the toilet when he heard yelling and laughter
coming from the toilet block. He went to investigate and
found the Protestant boys having a competition to see who
could pee the highest up the wall, (as all boys do at some time)

He scolded the boys and told them that Catholic boys would
never behave like that, and he would report the matter to their
Principal.

He went straight to the Head Brother's office and said, "Head
Brother, I just saw a terrible thing. I saw those Protestant boys
in our toilet having a competition to see who could pee the
highest up the wall. I was so disgusted."

The Head Brother was shocked and said, "And what did you do
about it?"
The Brother said, "I was so angry, I hit the roof."

"Well done," said the Head Brother, "we can't have those
Protestant boys beat us."

[dot-matrix]

This is a true story, sent by Sometimes Saintly Nick.

Once, when Winston Churchill was visiting New York
City, he attended a dinner party in his honor hosted by a
famous New York socialite. The meal was served buffet
style and the waiters placed huge platters of one of
Winston's favorite foods, fried chicken, on the buffet,

Unfortunately, Winston was surrounded by a large group of
people who were asking him questions. He saw no way to
escape the group, so he raised his voice and called to the hostess,
"Please save me a chicken breast or two."

Later, while eating his chicken, the hostess chided him : "Sir
Winston, here we do not refer to chicken breasts. We call them
"white meat."

The next day a beautiful corsage was delivered to the home
of the hostess. With it came a card.

"Thank you, Madame, for hosting such a delightful dinner.
Please do me the honor of wearing the corsage on your
white meat". ~ ~ W. Churchill."

[dot-matrix]

The Aussie version of creation...

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbecues.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the
Second Day, God created water ~ foe surfing, swimming and barbecues
on the beach.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the
Third Day, God created the Earth to bring forth plants ~ to provide
malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbecues.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the
Fourth Day, God created animals and crustaceans for chops, steak,
sausages and prawns for barbecues.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the
Fifth day, God created a bloke ~ to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at bbq's.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the
Sixth Day, God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone
to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie.
So God created Mates and God saw that they were good blokes.

God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the
Seventh Day, God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard
the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the
Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and
God saw it was good ~ well almost good.

God saw that the Blokes
were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas ~
clean the house, bear the children, wash and cook and clean the barbie.

God saw that it was nor just good, it was better than that, it was
B****y Good !!

. . . . IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!

[Katie77]

The Aussie version of creation...

 

Oh yes, yes, yes........from an Aussie sheila.......

[underdown]

Oh yes, yes, yes........from an Aussie sheila.......

Oh no, no, no ....... from an Aussie bloke.......

There's a line missing ....