Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

Billy repied, 'Oh, that's easy. Don't mess with my old man when he's been drinking.'

       

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Questions posted on NZ Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kiwi birds in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Wellington - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland , Wellington , Christchurch and Queenstown ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. New - Zea -l and is that island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city . Come naked..

__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: - New-zea- la is that quaint little country , which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Auckland city , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in NZ who can Dispense spider serum. ( USA )
A: poisonous spiders live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All NZ spiders are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets . You should find some for yourself when you get here. Especially the ones with white tails .
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ , but I forget its name. It's a kind animal and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Auckland where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in NZ in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Wellington *... Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[dot-matrix]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited

[Dagi]

Questions posted on NZ Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kiwi birds in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Wellington - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland , Wellington , Christchurch and Queenstown ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. New - Zea -l and is that island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city . Come naked..

__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: - New-zea- la is that quaint little country , which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Auckland city , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in NZ who can Dispense spider serum. ( USA )
A: poisonous spiders live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All NZ spiders are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets . You should find some for yourself when you get here. Especially the ones with white tails .
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ , but I forget its name. It's a kind animal and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Auckland where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in NZ in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Wellington *... Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

this is hysterical, I almost wet my pants. I´m going to send it to my newzealandish friend. 

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

Yeah.....Ive often said, "if I go to heaven, I will be lonely"......

[underdown]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to  prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London lawyer says, "What for?"
 
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye  still didn ae  come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If you can't, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh** out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[underdown]

this is hysterical, I almost wet my pants. I´m going to send it to my newzealandish friend. 

Me too.

 


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Ummmm ... where is New Zealand