Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
Turning a corner
BBMGrandma:
WOW....I seem to have turned a corner today in my search for "WHY" I had such a really productive session today with my therapist. We sort of hopped from spot to spot like a couple of bunny rabbits in a field. We touched on <or it seems so anyway> on every painful and hurtful spot lurking inside me. Every time something HIT....I felt physical pain...nausea. It was SUCH a delightful feeling though....felt soo freeing. It that crazy....or what? Anyway....I had taken a bunch of 'stuff' that I had copied into her office this morning. I still didn't think she was "GETTING IT" <as far as our movie/boys go> I started bawling...SHE started bawling...and she just said...."I DO get it and thank GOD you get it too....." Then everything hit...at once!! Lost Loves...misgivings....regrets....painful darkness...answers...more questions....crying...aloneness...fear...!! I must confess I STILL don't have ALL the answers....far from it!! But thanks to ALL of you for your insight....thoughts....care....concern...plus MY digging into myself....I'm climbing higher on "our Mountain" each day.
Much Love....Nancy
iristarr:
I've also been talking with my therapist about the BBM-effect for a few weeks now. That's ALL we talk about, since the movie has taken residence in my heart. In the beginning (about six weeks ago now) I was trying to answer the questions about WHY I was being so affected, and they seemed to be various. At first, of course, it was the sadness for loss of a love, but with subsequent viewings it seemed a much vaster grief -- the loss of life-dreams and broken hopes, sadness over choices made or not made, sense of not accomplishing what I was meant to be on this earth for, loss of a spiritual connection. Deep, deep anguish, many many tears. And one point I felt like I was crying for all the pain in the world. When I found myself weeping in the very beginning when Jake and Ennis begin up the mountain with the sheep, knowing they are ascending into paradise and all the pain that awaits them in their lives, . . . . I'm crying as I try to write this.
Anyway, it sure isn't quitting me. C. (my therapist) encourages me entirely to just flow along with this, as long as it flows, paying attention (it's about all I do pay attention to these days) and enjoying the journey. And I do. My photos of "the boys" smile back at me, the CD pulls at my heart, I feel more alive and juicy than I have in many years (I'm another old woman, 75). A Jake-like figure appeared in my dream a few days ago and asked me (in the dream), "have you seen Brokeback Mountain?" and my heart leapt up and I said "yes, yes, do you want to talk about it?" because there is nothing I would rather do these days than that.
I look forward to our "conversations" via this board.
juneaux:
I prorbaly should confess that my "therapists" are the members of this site. The topics that are shared have given incredible insights and helped me realize harsh realities about the world.
Feel free to send me a bill for the counsleing services you all have provided me. ;)
Thanks,
J.
Lynne:
And I thought that finding the others on this board meant I didn't need therapy :-)
It is interesting how much this movie seems to evoke the various stages of grief. I don't know much about them from a psychology POV, but I know that I have personally moved from devastation and loss initally (6 weeks ago) through a lot of analysis and searching, and now I am at an acceptance of sorts. I slept better a couple of nights ago than I have in years. I went to sleep with the soundtrack playing and awoke with such an overwhelming sense of well-being. My first waking thought was that I was being held, wrapped securely in those shirts. Obsessed? If so, I hope it never passes.
iristarr:
Going through my first-of-month bills this morning, I discovered I never even balanced my bank statement last month! WO! -- it got buried on my desk while I neglected everything by Brokeback Mountain and its repercussions. I did finally get my laundry put away the other day :D
Some thoughts that went through my head since my last post:
I keep thinking about BBM and about the "closeting" of gay people, and how closeted and hidden even we straights can be, so often hiding our truest selves in efforts to please others: parents, teachers, religious (and other) authority figures, society's proscriptions and prohibitions. I think women, at least women of my generation, may be particularly so affected, sometimes so much we don't even know ourselves quite who we are, or what we actually want out of life. We can get frozen into rules that never quite fit us, but we compromise and bury and deny and hide until it can be said that we have actually LOST sight of our SELVES, our unique interiority, and we learn to be ashamed and afraid of our own desires and passions, sexual and otherwise, which we need to love and honor and respect. And yet we so often don't, and we've been rendered strangers to our own spirits in some ways. Some of the deep sadness that BBM evokes in us may be, I think, linked to this, and the love lost may just be our own.
Just personal rambling, my own Brokoholic thoughts. I'd sure like to hear what others think of this. Peace, Iris
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