Chapter 33, Ennis introspection:
And what of Ennis’s sudden liaison with Ellery? Was this a weekend fling, which he would drive away from at Sunday closing time, with a wave and a slap on the ass? He felt a sharp pain travel through his gut, half pain, half longing. Could he even do that? He remembered what it was like, that first time, after that rarefied flight he and Jack made through the clouds on the top of that mountain, thrown together and then clinging without letting go, until the day they brought the sheep down, turned, and drove off. That pain which had never truly left, but grew less when Jack was back in his arms, then grew keen and sharp when they drove off in separate directions once again… all those years. Is that what this is gonna be? He thought, with a twinge of despair. What if I can’t bear to drive off an leave this one?
He felt, by alterations, a wild joy and corresponding despair. He pulled Ellery closer, the boneless relaxation of sleep made his light body resistless to the fierce embrace, and did not let go. He couldn’t let go. He needed this… this man, this contact, this pleasure – like a drowning man needs air. But how could he say so? When would the moment come when those grey eyes would fix coldly on his and say “well, so long Ennis, been fun.” Was it Ellery’s words he feared – or his own? Was he doomed to drive off in his truck, and let this one out of his sights too? Was he going to repeat the whole sordid, gut-wrenching history of self denial all over again? Had he changed at all, really?
He held tight to the sleeping body that had suddenly become a precious touchstone for him, a talisman, and sucked a deep lungful of Ellery’s Cuban cigar, feeling the sweetish aroma flood through him. He would never think of Ellery again without associating him with this unique aroma, alluring, sweet and yet underlyingly, deeply pungent – contradictions wrapped into one being, just as Ennis was paradoxically happy and grief-laden, all in the same moment.
L