This discussion reminds me of an experience I had once in a sensitivity training group that everybody in my workplace was required to attend.
We were all encouraged to discuss our personal experiences. So one guy told about how every day his job required him to stop in at another department and talk to these guys who, not realizing he was gay, were always making homophobic jokes. The guy said it always made him uncomfortable, of course, and he never knew how to react -- he didn't really relish facing whatever conflicts might arise from saying something, but he felt awful remaining silent, also.
Then one of the sensitivity facilitators, an African-American woman who, frankly, was pretty overbearing and obnoxious, more or less cut him off. "Well, see now, as a black woman I don't have the advantage of being able to hide my identity!" she said. "I just have to face whatever people might say about me and blah blah blah ..." and so on in that vein. And I thought, "Really? You think that's a big advantage, huh?" Because, of course, one thing she does have going for her is that most people -- not all, of course, but most -- will try not to say anything racist, even if they are racist, when she's around.
There are arguments to be made on either side, I guess. But it always made me mad that someone who was supposed to be teaching "sensitivity" could be so insensitive.
Let me quickly say that I am not telling this story to imply that either of you is being insensitive. Not at all! Just that the issues are complex either way. I bet it's no picnic being subjected to prejudice of any kind.