Oh I am just so glad to know I am not alone.Matt my middle son is now starting to question me.He keeps asking what is it about Heath that I am so obsessed with and I can't give him any coherent,logical answer.Then he asked ME something very odd, He asked me how I would be if something happened to him.I sort of brushed it over and thought a part of me would die,lost forever.
Two years ago my daughter developed lumps in her armpit.We went to the doctor who gave us a prescription in case it was infected glands.Long story short they did not go.It was at this point that he said he wanted her seen by an oncologist at the children's hospital in St. Petersburg.My heart beat so loudly I don't know how got out of the surgery and home.
We laughed it off with her, though god knows how we managed. Later that night my husband and I just fell apart.It is the first time I have ever seen my stiff upper lip husband cry.
We had a break booked with a friend of mine so decided that I would still go with her and the 2 younger ones as planned. My oldest was staying at home with my husband to do some boys stuff.
I stayed as normal as possible,but my husband who is normally a rock,I cannot tell you how unemotional he normally is,just rang me crying every night.
We got home after the week away,and the next day were at the hospital.The first oncologist who examined her found more lumps in her groin and told us she wanted the head of dept to examine her. I ran out of the room and was violently ill. Regained my composure and went back in.All the time trying to joke with my daughter.My husband could not speak.
They were so concerned about her they did the full scan that day, and took biopsies.We had to wait 24 hours for the results which was incredibly quick, but seemed like an eternity.
The hospital were amazing and the head man himself rang with the all clear.
The reason I am telling you all this is I think that incident,followed by my husband being robbed at gunpoint plus all the trouble with my oldest son,has taken its toll.I could never let go about my daughter as I did not want her to know how terribly serious it could have been.I spent the whole week on holiday with her,laughing and joking.Ditto with my husband, we had to pretend for the kids sake that he was never in any real danger.But he was, he had a gun to his head as he was marched from one end of the store to the other.
I think what happened with Heath, maybe has allowed me to let go and grieve for everything that has happened to us.I wonder if that is why, it has hit so hard.I have held onto so much for so long and now I can finally let go.That does not take anything away from Heath,quite the reverse.It is yet another horrendous incident, in what has been for me a pretty lousy 12 months.
Also as silly as it seems I am angry with him, for depriving us of so many extraordinary roles that he still had left.For depriving us of that wonderful smile, and almost childish, awkwardness when being interviewed.
For having that beautiful song written for his daughter,happy ever after in your eyes.In the song it says "couldn't' t leave you to go to heaven, I carry you in my smile,for the first time my true reflection I see, happy ever after in your eyes"
Well he did leaves us all, to go to heaven.Part of me is so sad and part is so angry,what a mess. O.K got that off my chest.
As always I find what I need here at Bettermost, friends and sympathetic ears, which give me back some semblance of normality.I can't help but feel that if we here ran the world it would be a much better place, where tolerance and genuine understanding, would be the premise, not hate and the rule of the dollar king!!!!!