OT - What/'who' made you non-homophobic?

[serious crayons]

It's interesting that the question is, "what made you non-homophobic," as if homophobic is the default mode unless some benevolent factor intervenes! This is in no way a criticism of you or your fascinating thread, Jude  -- unfortunately, at least for now, this may well be true.

My parents were liberals in regard to race and religion and class, but I don't remember them ever mentioning homosexuality (for that matter, they rarely mentioned heterosexuality -- despite their progressiveness they generally avoided any word with the letters S-E-X in it). This despite the fact that my dad's sister, with whom he was close, has lived with another woman all her adult life. When it finally dawned on me, in my late teens/early 20s, that she was probably gay, I asked my mom (my parents were long since divorced), who replied that as far as she knew the question had never once come up in my dad's family. Strange. Or maybe not so strange.

To be perfectly honest, as I always try to be here, I'll have to admit that I was homophobic in high school. Not overtly mean to anyone or anything like that, more like shocked by the whole concept. My friends all felt that way, and I was ignorant and impressionable and stupid. In college I became more politically/culturally aware and avidly liberal and that sort of fixed the problem, I guess. And various experiences I've had since then -- gay roommate, friends and coworkers, stories I've written as a journalist about gay events, issues, people, etc. (not to mention the events of the past four months!) -- have only pushed me further in the direction of homophilia.

[Lumière]

Interesting question - I have never asked myself this actually!
My folks are very cool and open (God Bless 'em) and it was a blessing to be brought up with an open mind.
The other reason could also be that I don't wish to be on the receiving end of any kind of discrimination, whether it be based on my gender, race, sexual orientation or creed; so I won't be on the giving end of it either.

The main argument I get from homophobic friends is: "I don't hate gays, just their lifestyle!"  .
I am resigned that I will strangle the next person who utters those words, even though violence is not the answer. 
That's my 3 cents. 

[Lynne]

This is a really good question...clearly I am a work in progress - whittling away at the crap learned in my formative years, as I get to know myself better, to continually refine attitudes as I understand more about myself and the person I want to be in this world.

My parents and extended family-of-origin are both racist and homophobic and xenopobic [extend list as necessary].  And they run the gamut from outspokenly vicious to the more subtle, yet insidious.  Because there are few absolutes, I am compelled to add that they are also the salt-of-the-earth, middle America, good people in many ways.  I cannot even count how many times I've been told I'm "gettin' above my raisin'".  But they also say with pride that I'm one of the first to finish high school and 'graduate college.'  Go figure.   

I think my awakening began when I moved from rural TN to the greater Boston area and married a man of mixed nationality (Price - Greek/American) who was raised partially in Europe (Germany/Greece) and the Northeast US (Connecticut).

Price had a wide variety of friends and was a terrific influence in broadening my view of the world in general.  For instance, at my father-in-law's birthday dinner one year, there were people from Argentia, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Greece, and Great Britain.  There was spirited discussion about the upcoming Clinton/GHWBush election.  And Price and I were the *only* two people in attendance eligible to vote.  Just terrific - and a brave new world for a simple girl from TN.

That general experience was enhanced by actually meeting and working with people with a wide variety of backgrounds whiile in Boston.  I became involved with the GLBT community because of a volunteer job with a suicide prevention outreach program for four years in Boston.

**That's why I harp frequently about 'not one more child' should feel alienated from their family because of questioning their sexual orientation/identity.**

I had some very intensive training, gave talks on the subject, helped with counselling at schools after a suicide was completed and personally taken thousands of calls from suicidal people.  The ones that touched my heart the most were the kids struggling with sexual orientation/identity because SO much of their angst could be mitigated, if not alleviated entirely, by having parents with open hearts and good channels of communication.

[Front-Ranger]

I can really see why u would have an enlightened view of the world, Lynne. Thank you for telling us about this.

When I was younger I ran with a crowd of waiters, theater people, creative people. There were many gays, bisexuals, whatever. Tom Wolfe called it "polymorphously perverse." Whatever you called it, it was a lot of fun! I will never forget Howard...he was my lover, but he was also gay. I'm not sure how it worked, but I was happy!

Then, another significant thing happened when my daughter was about 15. She had a crush on a dashing young man her own age named Will. Only trouble was, Will discovered he was gay. My daughter accepted it with grace and they are now close friends. She accepted it much better than his parents, who we were afraid were going to reject him completely, and we were all set to invite him to move in with us. But finally they came around.

I am evolving in my understanding of others and I have many blind spots, but at least I am open and excited to meet new open minded people and be a part of an enlightened community.

[JennyC]

I asked Jude to repost this thread, think it’s only fair that I share mine too. 

For me to become non-homophobic is a gradual process and I credit this to my liberal and non religious upbringing, as well as personal experience.
 
I grew up in China where homosexuality is really not an issue that generates much discussion since it’s almost invisible in the society.  It’s deeply repressed not because of religion, but because of culture and heritage.  My parents are pretty liberal, and I don’t have any religious upbringing.  I have embraced the principle of fairness and equal rights to everyone early on.  So if you would ask me then whether I believe gay and lesbian should have equal rights as everybody else, I would say yes they should.  But to be honest, that was not an issue that I gave much thoughts at the time, and I really did not understand why people may find the same sex attractive.  So in all fairness, I can not say that I was not homophobic.  Since I didn’t really understand it and it’s considered abnormal behavior by the culture, there came the nature tendency to feel awkward about it. 

I still remember my very first encounter with the underground homosexual world in China.  It was right after I graduated from college and started a new job. I was waiting for a bus at a bus stop, and there was a tiny park next to the bus stop.  I heard people laughing and talking behind the bushes, so I just took a peek to see what was going on.  To my astonishment, there were maybe around 30 to 40 men.  Half of them sat around a fountain like structure, another half was just circling around them.  Some were chasing each other, and a few cross-gender-dressers.  It was such a weird scene for me and I was SHOCKED. 

I got much more exposure to homosexuality when I came to US where it is more visible and has been in hot debate.  I have come to know many gay people through work and other social settings.  Most of them are wonderful, loving and humble person that I like to be friends with.  I have been invited to a gay co-worker’s birthday party and found out me and my girl friend were the only two females at the party for the most part.  I didn’t feel awkward about it.  The food was great and had some really nice conversation with a few guests (well I left before the party got really heated up ).  My friends took me out to lunch later to celebrate my first gay culture shock, only there was no shock to me.  Whether they are gay or straight, I see no difference in how they do their job, how they interact with others and how they treat me.  So to have some people tell others who they should spend their life with because some people’s personal belief, that does not sound logical to me at all.

Another part of the reason that I feel passionate about the gay rights issue is because I share gay people’s struggle against discrimination just because they don’t fit in the norm.  I am straight, but by many other measurements, whether that’s race, culture, or religion, I am a minority here.  Though my difference is more easily identified than a person’s sexuality, I feel at least no one can legitimately reject my rights to share my life with who I want to be, to have that relationship recognized by law, and to have my spouse make decisions for me when I am not capable, etc.  If people discriminate me for whatever reason, they can not say it out loud because they know it’s wrong by the current social standard.  But for gay people, we all know that’s not the case.  Not only some people openly voice their disguise, they also want to pass laws to back them up so that their discrimination can become legitimate. 

I came to accept that we can not have the true fairness and equality for all people on many things, like poverty and suffering, because we live in a world that has many physical constrains.  However, some of the fairness and equality does not cost much to give.  All it takes is just a change of mind.  Confucius once said “己所不欲，勿施于人”(you should not treat people the way you don’t want to be treated).  This is one of the principles I try to live by. If only more and more people do the same, there will be a lot less suffering.

Our beloved movie really helped me understand the attraction and the love shared by these two men. So if I still have the last bit of homophobia, it’s all gone after the movie and after I came to know all the wonderful people here.

Sometimes I think back on what I saw at that bus stop.  I still cannot say that I feel comfortable with what I saw, but I try not to be judgmental.  I feel sympathetic toward the people I saw there.  I am sure that what I saw was their secret life that they didn’t want people close to them to know, and they took a lot of risks by doing that.  Had the society being more tolerant with their sexuality, they would be able to meet each other in normal social settings, and nobody would give a rat’s a** about who they want to be with. 

Sorry, it’s getting too long than I expected  . Thanks for bearing with me.

[FuzzyChanny]

Well, according to my best friend (who is gay and therefore an expert) I AM homophobic...

[amh]

Jude, thanks for re-posting this thread!  It's the first time in months that I got a pang for the old IMDb (not that I don't love it here, but those were special days)!  It's fun to re-read the old posts and people's new ones, too.

I never saw your question until now:

****
Amh625, you say you had very liberal parents and upbringing. What was their reason to put you in a Catholic school? Not that it_s wrong, of course, but I find the combination interesting [I_m probably being offensive, asking this.. sorry, but I don_t know how to phrase it better].
****

No offense at all.  I don't come from a strict Catholic family - my Dad's side is Catholic, and my mom is agnostic.  But we lived within the city limits where the public schools are pretty rough - plus parochial school was somewhat more affordable back then than it is now. 

I don't much embrace any organized religion today, and disagree with many of the Catholic church's policies.  But in a strange way it's still a part of who I am, having been "institutionalized" by it until I went to college, and still having close childhood friends to this day who consider themselves true Catholics.   But if the basic message of the church is that man is good and God loves you and if you're nice to people you'll go to heaven, that's a decent way to live if you ask me.  You know?   

P.S. My three close friends from high school and college who eventually game out as gay were all raised Catholic too!  And one of them feels pretty strongly about his religion, and is angry at the church at the same time because of its policies toward those "like him".  He's real conflicted - as if there's not enough to be conflicted about in life, one has to be conflicted about the way they choose to worship their God, something that should be personal and peaceful.  It's too bad.

[tiawahcowboy]

Speaking of lifestyles . . .  I will post a little parable here based on people's actual experiences. I first heard the word "parable" when listening to Bible stories.

Two young men, Rick and Rob, were room mates after college and they had known each other almost all of their lives.

When at home growing up they had gone to the same church with their families. They had been involved in the very same church activities growing up, in college and after they lived together in a 2-bedroom home.

They had dated the same girls or girls who were friends with each other since they were teenagers. Because of what their churches had taught, they were still virgins sexually.

Both of of them seemed to have experienced the same things spiritually.

After they had lived together for a while, Rob realized that he had just been playing a game about his sexual orientation and he realized that he was not heterosexual nor bisexual. He enjoyed friendships with women but there was no sexual feelings toward them at all. He had even prayed and asked God to change him and he really believed that he had enough faith that it would happen. But, he had an epiphany with God about his sexual orientation and he just realized that he had been created that way and God loved him just the way that he was.

He had done research on what it meant to be gay and Christian and found many testimonies written by guys who had similar religious backgrounds and personal experienced.

So, one day Rob decided that he would tell Rick that he realized that he should just accept his homosexual orientation as normal for himself.

When he told Rick that he was gay, Rick replied, "I don't approve of your lifestyle!"

Rob said, "My lifestyle? Other than the fact that I am not attracted toward women, my lifestyle has always been just like yours. I haven't done anything differently than you have, Rick."

[j.U.d.E.]

Bump..

So much to read! Thank you for posting! I'll read/reply later at home.

Fuzzy?!

~ j U d E

[Sheyne]

Hmm.. I guess the fact that my mother is secretly homophobic (despite her declarations that she's not, she IS) and my brother is - sadly for Ray - deeply and overtly homophobic and the fact that most times I will do ANYTHING do go against the grain, ( ... who, moi??)  I always liked gay company, especially gay guys. They were my boyfriends, without the sex, y'know? We'd "date", go to movies, dinner, clubbing, watch vids at home with popcorn and snuggle under the blankets together. We'd hug, we'd groom each other, point out blokes with a suggestive eyebrow raise, nudge nudge etc. They were also like girlfriends with far more money and far better fashion sense.

A lot of gay people I knew early in my working life here in Brisbane were victims of a society struggling to accept homosexuals: some would come to work with cut lips and black eyes; some would get bitter and defensive and reject the world; some would "act out" and be all "queeny" as though to say "bugger the lot of you, I'm gonna be gay and HOW!" etc.

Mostly, I just view them as people. If we click, we click. If we don't, we don't hang out. Its that simple. And I don't ask them to justify their choices, I just accept them. It seems silly to judge somebody by who they're attracted to, really, doesn't it? 

Oh and I'm also not homophobic cause my first crush in my life was on a woman. You could say its in my blood, or sompin.