Have you heard a good one lately?

[Pipedream]

A masochist asks a sadist: "Please torture me! Torture me!"
The sadists answers: "No."

 

[welliwont]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

[Katie77]

Did you hear about the gay frog?

Got toad(toe'd) up the arse....


Did you hear about the gay rabbit?

Couldn't get the hare(hair) out of his arse.

[vkm91941]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck, their just guys" he says to himself,  "and I really need a drink."

When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the name of your willy?"  

The cowboy says, "I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."  

The bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you untill you tell me the name of your willy, house rule. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan " Just do It". 

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because "It really Satisfies."  

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX". 

The thirsty cowboy asks "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"  

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One". Then he adds, "Have YOU driven a Ford lately?"    

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY" , Like a Rock". And gives a wink! 

Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender, smiles and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
 
The bartender begins to pull the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look and asks, "Why Secret?" . 

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!"

[Arad-3]

Not intended to offend anybody. Just thought this was cute. It reminds me of my youngest daughter.


 A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to
the stranger sitting next to her and asked,......

"Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"
 




 

[Pipedream]

How can you make a blonde laugh on a monday?

Tell her a joke friday evening!   

[Arad-3]

ok one more blonde joke and Ill stop.(In my twenties I was blonde for seven years myself. I heard them all)

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
 

[vkm91941]

Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."

The priest says, "Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"

Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."

So the priest says, "I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"

Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."

The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"And Paddy responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."

So the priest says, "You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"

As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, "Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"

And Paddy says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."

"How was it?"

Paddy says, "Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"

[vkm91941]

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 13."

[vkm91941]

and one more with no offense meant to anyone...

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"