I miss you on weekends

[RebelWithASmile]

This is your blog and you can definitely ramble as much as you wish! 

You obviously treasure your friendship with this lad.  All the best in developing that relationship, whether you end up a couple or not, as you say.     
I am sure that there are some people on here who will read your story and be able to offer their 2cents simply because they have been there ..
What I can say to you is: remember to take it one day at a time ..  get to know him better and just enjoy his company and friendship ..  then see where that takes you both ..  

I have been taking it pretty slow, but i'm kind of like a kid in a candy shop, wanting more more more!

But theres never enough time.

[wulfar360]

never nuff time, never nuff  jack fking twist brokeback !

[RebelWithASmile]

never nuff time, never nuff  jack fking twist brokeback !

precisly. But idk if i'm Ennis or Jack. I'm a good mix of both.

[wulfar360]

i want to be jack  i think im a little more like him than i used to be but mostly ennis 

[RebelWithASmile]

I would rather be Ennis. I don't know, I have a fascination with sadness, and longing, mainly because i experience both soooooo much.


10/8

It was my older Brother (lets call him Matt, because thats his name )'s birthday. He's 30, and still a user. I had a good conversation with him. We were talking about the New Batman movie that is coming out in 2008, and how Heath Ledger is playing the Joker. I told Matt (without being too obvious) that Heath is good, and that he played in Brokeback Mountain

He responded "Was he one of the f*gs?"

I retorted yes, and he said he wont watch BBM, and i unfortunately, weakingly said 'i don't blame you' I had to keep face, but it didn't feel right. I said that Heath's performance in it is really amazing, and he'll like Heath after seeing it. But i was talking to a wood door.

We took A HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD back to the rent place, and finally got X-men III:The last Stand. I saw it in theaters, though.

Today was just another boring day without Bill, nothing much happened.

I'm currently listening to Surrender by Evanescence.

[RebelWithASmile]

10/9 Columbus Day

I had school, unfortunately


Last night i had made a CD for a friend (a girl) but she wasn't at school today so i gave it to BILL! (my crush) He wanted it, so i was pleased.

I was really scared, because in between some classes i usually get to see him, but i didn't today. I thought he had went home sick, so i panicked.

At lunch, he told me to sit next to him again! I gave him lunch money as usual, and i asked him to gaurd my food. We talked A LOT today. he even read a part from this book that he thought i would like to hear. I've never heard him read before  it was sweet.

He went to help some kids carry in some heavy band equipment. I just watched in Awe....

As usual, when a man in uniform walks by, Bill salutes him, as he is really respectful, and he longs to join the military.

I think he's gay

I was shaking madly when i asked him if he wanted the CD (its a Evanescence CD, their new one entitled 'The Open Door') i'm glad he said yes.

He consoled me when i told him i might break up with my girl friend. He understands that well....

After school, when i gave the CD to him, we were walking to our buses together, and he would normally spew out something quickly, then gallop ahead, and run to his bus...today he walked with me the whole way   and i remembered saying 'seeya' because i'm used to him leaving so early, and he retorted 'i'm not going nowhere' and i almost cried. I'm very happy at the moment. I gave him a poem, as we like that stuff. This is the poem...

                                                     Twisted Symphony

                                                         My god, do you watch the fire dancing
                                                         Or soothe the invalid women panting?
                                                        Why art thou weak?
                                                        And yet this is my Twisted Symphony

                                                        A clock strikes twelve
                                                        and someone dies
                                                        they all die
                                                        And yet this is my twisted lullabye
                                                               
                                                        I want to make you sleep
                                                        rest within the clutches of an angel
                                                        I am no angel
                                                        I am my own catalyst
                                                        No one else has seen through these eyes
                                                        while I chant my twisted lullabye
                                                               
                                                       The rancid smell of change
                                                       disgusts me
                                                       No, there will be no harmony
                                                       only my twisted symphony

tell me what you think?

I was called a F*G on the net for no reasons. Oh well

[wulfar360]

who called you  that?  the internet is full of hate because  people can say stuff they normally woudnlt have the balls to 


its cool you and bill are hitting it  off  thats awsome really


i usually  salute a  man in uniform to but  they cant see it ! gah that sounded bad?

[RebelWithASmile]

who called you  that?  the internet is full of hate because  people can say stuff they normally woudnlt have the balls to 


its cool you and bill are hitting it  off  thats awsome really


i usually  salute a  man in uniform to but  they cant see it ! gah that sounded bad?

A guy on youtube.com commented on one of my brokeback music videos, and he said it was disgusting that they kissed so agressively. He asked why they did, and i PMEd telling him thanks for commenting on my video, and i told him why Ennis/Jack kissed so deadly. Well, he responded back "fuck you fag" and he misspelled 'fuck.' LMAO! I PMed him back and said 'anytime, but you wont be around to see it as i'm getting you banned. Learn how to spell.' hehe.

At a wrestling site, a guy i got into a very nasty fight with a while back PMed me out of nowhere and attacked me. He was same old, same old....

10/10 Early release day.

Bill told me he thinks i will be the next Edgar Allen Poe. LOL, but it was nice to say. In the morn he gave me a poem of his own, which was really good. Better than 'twisted symphony.' I told him he should be proud of it, and i forced him to take it back from me (he was going to let me have it)

It was a quick day, too quick. I didn't have enough time to talk to him that much.

Bill, next semester, wont have lunch with me......


I asked all our friends, and the way he lifted his hand slowly, melancholically to feed my inquiry. I looked away and i almost cried. I was very lachyrmose. I was shaking in my next class, and i don't know why god always does this shit to me. Sorry for the language, but its not right, it ALWAYS happens to me. And then i'll be alone.
He's the only one i can talk to about....... well, me.

[Shakesthecoffecan]

Man, you should keep his poems, hell, that was a nice jesture.

[RebelWithASmile]

Man, you should keep his poems, hell, that was a nice jesture.

I was going to, and i hope i didn't seem rude giving it back. It was good, too good to not be shown by its author IMO.

I was going to keep it for later nostalgia i know i'll be having.

i wrote another poem, this one is...interesting

Bittersweet

I’m useless
A soul is not to hurt this much
I give up, I let you win
You are spineless
Purging a tortured being
Like myself
I’m crying
I’ve wasted enough on the moment

I waste some, you do too
Its something we both need to get through
I see the light, it doesn’t exist
I see your pain, it’s my bliss
But it doesn’t exist
Its wasted emotions

I’m crestfallen
Tears fallen
Love is hate
Mouth agate
Love is steel
Cold to peel
Rapid lashes
Leave thy ashes
I am lost
And yet found
While I’m near the ground
Hate me not this day
For I am your lies
Hear my cries
Burn yourself
You forsaken pagan
For only a forest will grow
Once it falls
Hear my calls
I love you not
My blood clot
Killing me deadly

Why must you hurt me so?
For I am bittersweet     

 

Bill is my Brokeback Mountain and inspiration