I have no idea what phase I'm in. I've been here a lot since it happened, but haven't posted much. I've been hungry to read anything I can find about him and watch every video, but have not been able to bring myself to read any of the magazines I've bought with articles on him (and I NEVER buy magazines) or watch any of his movies. Now that this board is getting quieter, I sort of feel like I'm being forced into the next phase, but I don't know what that is. 
It's weird. I didn't cry. I don't cry. I don't know why. It’s probably a control-thing. But I feel anger. I have no right, but it's there. I don't understand why it had to happen. I hate hate the fact that he'll never get old; that there will be no new movies; that we won't see more of his genius. I'm not pondering my words, because he was way up there at the top of his class. I have been trying to figuring out which other actor of his generation we could say the same about. Honestly, I can't think of any. As much as I think Jake was the perfect match in BBM and how much we have seen Jake grow in the characters he's been portraying since BBM (Jarhead comes to mind), I think there was something even more exceptional and incomparable with Heath. I cannot point it out exactly - charisma, profoundness, fearlessness, uniqueness - I don't know, because there are actors out there who are excellent too. It must have to do with his 'intenseness', an aura.. I don't know how to put it differently, but I think we will have to wait a while before we come across another actor as exceptional as Heath.
So much from a silly, adoring fan.. The thing is, I'm feeling anger, because I think it could have been prevented. Well, maybe not. I'm clueless, I don't know. I didn't know him. I feel angry because it all stopped. So suddenly. I’m angry because he'll become an icon (even more of an icon than he already was) and it's not what he wanted I think. But I don't know. I'd rather have him grow old than become an icon, because that's what the order of things should have been. Heath growing old and seeing his daughter grow up.
I'm in the anger-phase, obviously. But it mixes with denial and probably bargaining. Possibly even jealousy, because I would love to be as talented and intelligent as he was. There are moments when I think of Heath and tell myself, hey, what am I even bothered? He is a guy I have never met, never talked too and never would have. I adored him through the screen and on pictures. Why is this bugging me so much? I can't tell. Around me, nobody seems bothered by actors and films and stories as much as I am. I feel isolated and silly sometimes and hide the fact that I fancy an actor or that I am overwhelmed by a movie or series. Then I tell myself, maybe I'm just stupid because that's a teenager-thing. Or is it? None of the people I know (except you guys here of course) seem to be into films and actors as much as I am. I try to shut up about it, because it feels as if everyone around me grew up, whereas I'm stuck. I've been watching tv a lot ever since I was a child. I don't think it was to escape the real world or anything, because I usually liked watching 'serious'/'realistic' stuff (still do).
Aaaaaaanyway, what I want to say, is that it's the senselessness of it all that makes me angry at this point. And the fact that Heath will be 28 forever and that he's gone and that nobody on earth will ever talk to him again and that we will never hear or see new things from him and that he's been reduced to ashes so quickly....
It's all gone way too fast..
Right now I can't watch him in a movie or video clip. I can look at pictures of him, but those where he looks at the camera and right into your eyes, are painful. I know I'm totally exaggerating and I'm usually much more quiet about things like these, but I need a place to get rid of this. .. I bought tons of magazines (well, it seems like tons, because I like others here don't buy magazines) the other week, with articles about Heath's death. I looked at some of the pictures but read almost none of what was written (some of these magazines are probably the worst kind - I wouldn't know). I taped news accounts and YouTube clips and tributes without watching them ever again (sometimes not even once). It will be for later. For when the acceptance phase arrives, I suppose.
I'm just glad BM exists and it was the first place I turned to in the evening of January 22nd. However, it seems already far too quiet here. But people grieve differently. I have to accept that. I’m sorry for this long self-indulgent ramble, but that’s where I’m at right now. My post here was supposed to be a very short one. I know that there will come a moment, one day, where all the grieving vanishes suddenly and where this is just something that happened. I’m not looking forward to this day, but it will bring closure. Maybe.
j. U.
d. E.
